CRINGE WITH FEAR AS YOU ATTEMPT TO GRASP OUR MASTERY OF INVENTION!
|
DRUMBOT
Invented: November 2, 1996
Combining cutting-edge robotics with the emulated brain of the Consortium's own Dr. Procyon Lotor, the cyborg known as drumbot is a revolution in percussion generation animation technology. Drumbot was created by Dr.'s Pinkerton and Lotor as a engineering/band/art project in their senior year at Malign Mastermind University. Once his life support system was jump-started with a patch cord from a spare amplifier, drumbot went operational, and has proven to be the most reliable and quite possibly the most popular member of the C.O.G.!
Specs:
> Titanium-animation ink alloy construction
> Capable of 500BPM
> Can almost out-drum Neil Peart
> Can almost out-snark Crow T. Robot
> More obnoxious than any human drummer
From 1996 to the Present Drumbot has provided beats, rhythms, paradiddles, put-downs and percussion for the Consortium of Genius!
In 1998 Drumbot was given his distinctive blue metal plating, having endured the previous year as a crude monochrome pen and ink drawing.
In 2001 Drumbot was given a rudimentary speech circuit. Inspired by the film '2001: A Space Odyssey', he subsequently attempted to sabotage the C.O.G.'s computer systems and kill us all. Installation of an 'emotion chip' temporarily reigned in his plans.
In 2003 Drumbot figured out how to disguise his appearance as cyberspace overlord 'Maximillian Terabyte' and take control of the entire band, putting Dr. Pinkerton on trial for crimes against machinery. His plan was thwarted when he stole our instruments and attempted to go solo with an all-star robot backing band.
In 2005 Drumbot carried out a torrid monthlong affair with an unidentifiable groupie before inadvertantly finding out she was lying about being a robot.
In 2008 Drumbot attempted to hijack several lectures by lying that he had been outfitted with a bomb that would go off if he stopped drumming for more than 1 minute. Drumbot was punished afterwards and threatened that if he ever attempted anything like that again, we'd replace him with Animal, whom I understand has been looking for work since the Electric Mayhem broke up.
|
THE C.O.G. AIRCAR
Invented: April 20, 2001
What appears to be a heavily modified early 90's Nissan truck is in fact our primary mode of transportation (except for drumbot, who prefers to get around by emailing himself.) The vehicle remains relatively airworthy, despite a decided dearth of good aircar mechanics in the early 21st century. Rumors that we merely went forward 40 years into the future using THE TIME DOOR, then purchased the vehicle at a used-flying-car lot for $500 are COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED!!!
The vehicle sports a main rocket engine taking up most of the back of the truck, capable of 78,000 pounds-force (350 kN) thrust. At the touch of a button, the C.O.G. Aircar can be configured for land, air, or underwater travel. Cruising airspeed of the C.O.G. Aircar is 400MPH, and top airspeed is 600MPH. The cabin is pressurized and capable of attaining low earth orbit, takes off and lands vertically, can hover in midair, and is generally driven by Dr. Rachnid or Drumbot. (Dr. Z is usually not permitted to drive it out of fear of his driving habits.) The C.O.G. Aircar is equipped with radar, sonar, televideo link back to the lab, a dimensional stabilizer, a downward-aimed matter disintegration beam, and a rear-firing plasma torpedo. It is powered by Plutonium fuel.
Specs:
> Cuising airspeed: 400MPH
> Top airspeed: 600MPH
> Main engine: 350kN thrust
> Lift engines: 98kN thrust
> Mileage: 2,800 MPPr (miles per Plutonium rod)
> Ceiling: unlimited
Normally the C.O.G. Aircar is stored in a large hanger in the left quadrant of the Secret Lab. It is lifted to the roof of the Secret Lab on a large hydraulically supported platform, situated below a hatchway that closes and locks automatically.
In 2002 the Consortium of Genius first used the Aircar to travel to the dimensional gate beneath Stonehenge in Wales, England. The Aircar was subsequently attacked by the monument's demon gatekeeper and would have been destroyed without Z's well-timed torpedo blast to the creature.
In 2005 the Aircar was used to transport the C.O.G. to Southport Hall, in an attempt to wipe out the band Egg Yolk Jubilee and broadcast their worldwide hypno-message. In the process of landing, the vehicle's disintegrator beam was used on a nearby parked motorcycle.
In 2006 Pinkerton intended to use the Aircar as an escape vehicle in the event the Earth was destroyed by his ley-line experiment. (Unfortunately, he didn't make it to the Aircar in time and was stomped by a giant purple dinosaur.)
In 2007 the Aircar was used to transport the C.O.G. to Fat City, where they hoped to take on the band Fatter Than Albert, who had flown the coop by their arrival.
In 2008 Dr.'s Rachnid and Z used the Aircar to abduct a human test subject name Rik Slave, for a brain draining 'movie-sign' experiment.
|
|
|
THE TIME DOOR
Invented: June 29, 1996
The Time Door may LOOK like a simple door with some circuit boards bolted on it, but it's NOT!! It's actually a sophisticated device that
allows the C.O.G. to travel through time!! It just LOOKS like a door because we're CLEVER!! That's why WE'RE the scientific geniuses and
YOU'RE NOT!! But I digress. THE TIME DOOR uses the principle of focused wave harmonics to open a passage to another point in time, allowing us to retrieve living specimens that otherwise would have been long dead and therefore useless to the C.O.G., or permitting travel to long-ago eras in order to distort the course of human history! Although THE TIME DOOR has been plagued by malfunctions in its operational history, it remains a valuable tool.
And besides, the circuit boards are WELDED on. Idiot!
Specs:
> Range: +/- 10,000,000 years
> Speed: 1200 years/hour
> Accuracy: are you kidding?
From 1996 to 1999 the Time Door was used for live temporal research, generally involving the 10th Century and the 30th Century. The Time Door displayed a generally very annoying tendancy to retrieve the SAME annoying specimens each time it was used. Subsequently we placed a moratorium on its use regarding the 10th and 30th Centuries. It was also upgraded with better EMI shielding.
In 2001 the Time Door was taken by a highly inebriated Dr. A Pentatonic back to the year 1987 to Damien Storm's Heavy Metal Ice Cream Shop. After some confusion and a strange encounter with a demon, we were able to retrieve the invention and Dr. A Pentatonic, and hoped it would not happen again. Unfortunately we underestimated the limits of Dr. Pentatonic's inebriation!
In 2003 the Time Door was temporarily lost at some unknown point in the far future, having been taken on another inebriated joyride by Dr. A. Pentatonic. Dr. A Pentatonic eventually sobered up enough to press the 'RETURN' sequence, 5 years later. Dr. Pentatonic was subsequently sent on a dangerious assignment to Stonehenge, and the Time Door was stored in a sealed room.
In 2008 the room was unsealed and the Time Door reactivated in a scheme to rewrite rock history by abducting a hooligan from the future and substituting him for Elvis Presley in the year 1958. The plan simultaneously succeeded and failed, and the Time Door was returned to its bay, again without adequate security. Suspiciously, Nurse Trixie was observed taking notes during the operation of the invention...
In 2009 the Time Door was stolen by Nurse Trixie DeHavilland in an attempt to return to 1921 and assasinate Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton I. Historical photographs from intervening eras reveal that Nurse Trixie was unable to accurately pilot the invention.
In 2010 the Time Door unexpectedly reappeared in its berth without Nurse Trixie. Her whereabouts are presently unknown.
|
THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE
Invented: May 13, 1997
Many of the Consortium's inventions are designed to work at close range, on a limited number of subjects at a time. THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE
was invented to correct that oversight. Using focused wavelength resonance, THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE has proven capable of destroying anything
from obnoxious weather satellites to obnoxious home planets of obnoxious media stars. When hooked up to a visual display device, such as a
monitor or the C.O.G's Visorscope, THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE can also be used as a remote scanner with a virtually unlimited range, which gives the C.O.G.
the ultimate advanced warning and espionage system... for instance, look at your computer! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You call THAT bucket of bolts a COMPUTER?!?!? You'd be better off with an abacus!!
Specs:
> Normal range: 100,000 miles
> Range when operated by Filbert: 100 lightyears (haven't figured this out yet)
> Effective power: 100,000 watts
> Effective power when operated by Filbert: 100,000 gigaton blast
From 1997 to the Present the Radio Terrorscope has been used to broadcast lecture material at and from whatever venue we happen to be assaulting.
In 1997 we attempted to use the Radio Terrorscope to hold hostage the Super-Doppler 6000 weather satellite. The attempt failed due to a badly timed phone call from an annoying telemarketer, who was subsequently tracked down and killed!
In 1998 we attempted to use the Radio Terrorscope to destroy an annoying planet called 'Spice World'. We succeeded! (Heard anything about the 'Spice Girls' recently? No? Well, you can thank us! Bwahahahahaha!!!!)
In 1999 Filbert Snodgrass attempted to broadcast party waves from the Radio Terrorscope and instead succeeded in destroying the planet Gargleplex V. The Radio Terrorscope was subsequently fitted with a special lock designed to prevent Filbert from powering it up; this move was partially successful
In 2000 the Terrorscope was used to break Microsoft Corporation into a zillion pieces, frustrating our normally EVIL intentions.
In 2004 we hooked the Terrorscope to WWL-TV's broadcast transmitter, in an attempt to boost our signal. We failed to broadcast our demands to the city, but DID succeed in liberating anchor Eric Paulsen's BRAIN, which he somehow has not missed.
In 2005 we hooked the Terrorscope to Pinkerton's new invention, the Hypnotronic Helmet, in an attempt to hypnotize the entire population of the Earth. Unfortunately the device overloaded the helmet somehow, causing theremo-molecular cranial amplification overload - a most painful experience! Brain-shrapnel everywhere. Yuck! Since then, use of the device has been confined to lower power stage broadcasts...
|
|
|
THE WORLD'S LARGEST GUITAR
Invented: September 13, 1998
THE WORLD'S LARGEST GUITAR is... well... a misnomer, because the guitar was too large to be constructed on Earth. For this reason and the current cost of rental storage, the guitar was assembled by robot worker drones in orbit. Originally intended to be played through the hitherto unfinished VLA, or Very Large Amplifier array, the guitar was inadvertantly damaged in late 1998 in a collision with a large, heavy metal alien spacecraft from the planet Fender.
At the time of the collision, the LARGEST GUITAR had partial life support capabilities. It is 100 yards long and features a docking port, a tremolo bridge, maneuvering thrusters, and what was to be a superlaser based on the much smaller guitars carried by the C.O.G. When completed, a laser beam from each of the guitar's strings would have fired up the neck and converged into one superlaser blast capable of destroying a small city. The guitar-shaped construction is designed to deflect any suspicion by military powers of its capability, with the thought that it will be disregarded as some kind of student art project. The station is armored by dense metal and capable of withstanding small impacts with satellites and other debris. In the intervening decade, the damage was mitigated, the station was retuned, and currently it sits in parking orbit ready to function as an off-world getaway for the C.O.G.
Specs:
> Length: 100 yards
> Tuning: E, B, G, D, A, E (A=27.5Hz)
> Tremolo designed by Dr. Floyd Rose
> Pickups: Double stacked humbucker design, 100kW output (each)
> Cost of new strings: More than YOU make in a month
In 1998 Dr. Wissenschaft unveiled what would have been his crowning scientific achievement... the huge space station replica of his own personal six-stringed instrument of destruction. Unfortunately no tuner existed at the time large enough to complete the project.
|
THE SONIC MIND PROBE
Invented: June 29, 1996
My greatest invention, the Sonic Mind Probe has been instrumental in the C.O.G.'s assembly of the greatest collection of brains in the history of mankind! This little beauty fires high frequency energy right through the temporal lobe, past the medulla oblongata where it creates a pressure on the zygomatic arch, simultaneously lubricating the victi... errr, patient's opposite ear canal to cleanly discharge the brain into a catch basin on the left side fo the device. Interestingly enough, most subjects don't even realize their brain is missing until they get home and can't find their keys!
Specs:
> Power required: 200.3W
> Carrier frequency: 14.6 Khz
> Largest brain diameter: 6"
> Average brain diameter: 5"
> Brains extracted to date: 104
> Extraction rate: 5,000 neurons/sec
From 1996 to the Present the Consortium of Genius has confiscated brains far and wide, simultaneously detailing a lower-cost alternative that can be employed in the privacy of one's own home!
|
|
|
THE MEZMORONIC RAY
Invented: May 13, 1997
THE MEZMORONIC RAY was conceived and built specifically to deal with some of the more, er, violent and uncooperative attendees at certain
C.O.G. lectures in the past. When fired at a person (or an opening act), it releases a
preprogrammed set of precisely modulated waveforms, along with a blinding flash of light, which temporarily scrambles many of the higher
functions of the brain. This renders the target... um... victim... uh... SUBJECT docile and easily controlled... manipulated... oh, to heck
with it. It works out like this: after we shoot them with the ray, we can then lead them around, sheep-like, and perform experiments on
them!! BOOHOOHAHAHAHAHAHAMAHOY!!!
Specs:
> Power required: 101.8W
> Carrier frequency: 5005 Hz
> Range: 10M
> Idiots mezmerized: 109
From 1997 to the Present the Consortium of Genius has utilized this invention to quell unruly idiots at lectures far and wide...
|
THE HYPNOTRONIC HELMET
Invented: May 7, 2005
This helmet was constructed to focus brainwaves into a feed-forward amplifcation loop, amplifying the will of the wearer. For short range willpower-imposing experiments, the helmet contains a small dish antenna, but for much larger CROWD CONTROL applications, the helmet can be hooked to the Radio Terrorscope (see above) and juiced up with up to 100x more voltage. 100,000 x base level voltage would theoretically be enough to control almost every person on the planet, but is currently NOT RECOMMENDED.
Specs:
> Power required: 108,381.8W (before implosion)
> Carrier frequency: 5009 Hz
> Range: 1M (without boost)
> Idiots mezmerized: 6,692,030,277
In 2005 Dr. Pinkerton almost succeeded in hypnotizing every human on Earth to Bow to the C.O.G., but unfortunately was subjected to too much amplification for his neurons to handle at once. The head-splattering results were a bit of a letdown, but led directly to the use of a forcefield to counter the cranial pressure (see below)
In 2010 Dr. Pinkerton utilized the Hypnotronic Helmet in a hypno-battle against his own grandfather, who was attempting a long-distance takeover of the C.O.G. from his base in Antarctica and he would have succeeded too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!
|
|
|
THE GREEN SLIME
Invented: December 5, 1997
THE GREEN SLIME is a toxin that the C.O.G. developed some time ago to compete with Ebola and other popular viruses... however, during
testing, the virus proved to be not QUITE as toxic as hoped. Interestingly enough, many of our test subjects reported that THE GREEN SLIME had a crisp, clean, refreshing taste before lapsing into their comas. Seizing on this opportunity, we at the C.O.G. are happy to report that soon, in limited test markets, THE GREEN SLIME will be available in 6-packs, 12- and 24-can cases, and 2-liter bottles. Side effects include dizziness, vomiting, death, and
high pitched singing. Currently we're working on the 'singing...'
In 1998 the Consortium of Genius tried marketing 'Green Slime' as a beverage, but were unfortunately beaten by Pepsi-Corp.'s 'Josta' urban cola. We may try again utilizing an 'energy drink' approach, as this substance is also highly radioactive...
|
THE DETH LAZER
Invented: November 11, 2000
The DETH LAZER is one of the most powerful lazers in the world, although this fact is difficult to appreciate, given the thin, dim, meager looking beam emitted by the DETH LAZER. But don't let that fool you - the DETH LAZER could bore a hole through a 30' block of solid titanium if the titanium block was left sitting there long enough! (20-30 years) Unfortunately, most of the time, the owner of the titanium block returns after half an hour or so... but I digress! Mark my word, if a person were to stand in the path of the DETH LAZER, the beam would literally BORE THAT PERSON TO DETH! And DETH is not a comfortable condition to be in, mark my word!
In 2000 the Consortium of Genius tried to use the Deth Lazer in a series of small-time music store heists, but were blocked by Filbert's unwitting ineptitude in changing the device's batteries.
In 2000 the Consortium of Genius attempted to burn a CD of their new album by hand-focusing the lazer on a blank disc. Fortunately, CD-burners came down in price quickly afterwards, negating this extremely cumbersome process.
In 2001 Dr. Pinkerton used the device to threaten the family of a happy couple who had unwittingly booked the C.O.G. to perform at their wedding!
In 2006 the Consortium of Genius used a series of Deth-Lazers to split open the Earth at its ley-line intersections. The entire world proceeded to crack asunder, unleashing an enormous cuddly demon! Fortunately for most of the idiots on the planet, American Idol was on, so they missed the entire event. Morons!
|
|
|
CRANIAL FORCEFIELD ENHANCED HYPNOTRONIC AMPLIFIER
Invented: March 7, 2008
This device was my attempt to rectify the failure of my Hypnotronic Helmet a couple years prior by applying a negatively amplified force shield around my own cranium, deriving safe, almost limitless power from Lab Girl's new fusion reactor. The results were messy and headache-inducing... in fact, I really would prefer not to spend any more time thinking about this invention.
In 2008 Dr. Pinkerton attempted to once again mezmerize the entire globe using a combination of psychotronic video and fusion power, and probably would have succeeded had it not been for Dr. Momus A. Morgus's quick thinking in disconnecting the protective power field, leading to another brain-splosion. Yuck!
|
THE LUCK GUN
Invented: June 9, 2009
My discovery of minute particles of bad luck, which I immediately dubbed Pinkyon Particles, finally explained the apparent 'bad karma' of the City of New Orleans. Who but I could conceive of utilizing the power of these particles against my enemies, against the city, nay, the very WORLD?!
CLICK HERE to see this amazing weapon in action!
In 2009 Dr. Pinkerton constructed a gun with the power to attract or repel large quantities of luck influencing particles. Unfortunately, the gun ended up in the hands of a less than trustworthy lab assistant, leading to a messy, mass-murderous end yet again...
|
|
|
DR. PINKERTON'S HAIR FORMULA FOR SCIENTISTS
Invented: June 6, 2004
Certainly the most hair-aising invention ever conceived by the Consortium of Genius, Dr. Pinkerton's Hair Formula for Scientists
exists to help the follically challenged scientist deal with the sudden, dramatic loss of hair that often accompanies higher learning.
CLICK HERE to find out whether Dr. Pinkerton's Hair Formula for Scientists is right for YOU!
In 2003 Dr. Pinkerton began marketing this strange substance under the guise of some sort of 'club' in an attempt to inflict his follicle-induced misery upon the world. Fortunately for the world, not many people have fallen for the ruse... yet!
|
THE PROCTOLOPOD
Discovered: December 2000
WHAT IS THIS?!?? This is not the work of the C.O.G. - this is obviously alien technology - probably those loathsome greys again, always trying to meddle with my plans... well, I'll have NONE of that in MY laboratory! Take that disgusting artifact away at ONCE, Dr. Z, before I incinerate it myself!!! I mean it this time!
|
|
BEWARE!!!
These inventions are employed separately or together at
any given lecture to drive our malign melodic message right through
your meager minds!!!
