THINK/BOW

Pinkerton: Greetings my fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press! Allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will be a household word. I am doctor Milo T. Pinkreton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius - a group best known as the COG!

All: COG!!

Pinkerton: Quite. And YOU, ladies and gentlemen, can count yourself LUCKY, for I'm going to admit something I've never admitted publicly before. I have failed! Yes, colleagues, I admit I have failed to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. BUT! The important thing to note is that the failure was NOT MY FAULT! It was caused by bad luck particles, which I have discovered to be the cause of most of the problems in this very city! Observe.

A SLIDE SHOW OF PICTURES IS DISPLAYED - THE SAINTS LOSING, KATRINA, PINKERTON GETTING KILLED, ETC.

Pinkerton: As you can readily see, all these problems have been caused by bad luck, which I have deduced is promulgated by tiny particles of bad fortune, which I have dubbed Pinkyon Particles.

I conjecture that these particles could be the cause of most of the major havoc in history - including the Black Plague!

All: The what?!

Pinkerton: Now then, we were speaking of Pinkyon Particles - the particle that promotes bad luck. I have detected a particular prominence of these particles right HERE in the New Orleans area! Makes sense, doesn't it!? In fact, bad luck due to Pinkyon Particles probably afflicts just about anyone born in the south.

Pinkerton: Now then, as I refuse to LEAVE the South, let alone the New Orleans area, we must do something about these bad luck particles, or as I call them Pinkyon Particles! Would it not be wonderful to MANIPULATE these particles, so as to turn the fates of fortune in our direction, or make life more, shall we say, INTERESTING to someone else? Therefore, gentlemen, I have commissioned a new invention that can either vacuum up these Pinkyon Particles, or shoot them forth. Lab Girl, bring me the LUCK GUN.

Lab Girl brings him the gun.

Pinkerton: Behold the Consortium of Genius's newest triumph. Tonight, Friday the 13th, shall be the turning point of our fortunes. Now then, Lab Girl, kindly aim the Luck Gun at ME and prepare to fire. Oh, wait, I'd better put on a blindfold... wouldn't want to be blinded.

all: Blinded?

Pinkerton: Yes, blinded by Science!

Rachnid: But Dr. Pinkerton, don't you think we should test out this thing on some guinea pig first?!

Pinkerton: Ahhh, quite right, Dr. Rachnid. Dr. Z, please bring me some suitable member of the audience. Excellent. Now then sir, are you in decent health? Yes? Excellent. Lab Girl, give me the Luck Gun.

Pinkerton aims the luck gun at the guy and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.

Dr. Z: Nothing happened.

Pinkerton: Ahhh, silly me. Here, take this. Don't worry, it's only a Placebo.

During the song, Lab Girl leaves the stage and a tall guy in a hockey mask comes out and brutally abducts the volunteer from the stage. Lab Girl comes back.

Pinkerton: Now then, you see, he's completely cured! Errrr... Lab Girl, what happened to our volunteer?

Lab Girl: I dunno, Dr. Pinkerton, he must have gotten scared and left or something.

Pinkerton: Well I haven't got all night to test this thing! Let's try something different. Filbert!

Filbert: Reporting for duty Dr. Pinkerton. Hahahaha, I said "duty"!

Pinkerton: Silence Filbert! Now then, what's that thing you're carrying?

Filbert: It's my Dungeons and Dragons character sheet! I'm starting a campaign right now, wanna play? Here look at this character sheet! It's my new ranger paladin. Here, I've got these dice, let me roll your percentage. Ohhh, that's not looking very good at all.

Pinkerton: Well, your luck is bound to improve with a shot of this!

Pinkerton aims the gun and fires.

Filbert: I feel lucky already! Oh yes, the dice are with me tonight.

Pinkerton: In the future, that young man will go on to become a legend. Let me tell you how.

Pinkerton: You see, Filbert? And your luck can be REVERSED as well just by turning this dial.

Pinkerton turns the dial back on the gun and fires at Filbert.

Lab Girl: Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Pinkerton: That's strange, the results are usually fairly expedient. Hmmmm. Dr. A Rachnid, would you kindly fill some time whilst I examine this firearm for bugs? Now you just stand right there Filbert while I fix this and DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE till I'm back.

As soon as Pinkerton turns his back, Jason abducts him from the stage.

Rachnid: BUGS?! Bugs are MY specialty! In fact, I have a great little dance to show everybody...

Pinkerton: Now then, the gun is fixed. Oh COG-DAMMIT, where has that idiot gone to?

Lab Girl: Oh, Filbert? He told me that he was hungry and went for I Scream.

Dr. Z: Wait Dr. Pinkerton, that's not what happened...

Pinkerton: Oh, then that's perfectly understandable. Who can resist the cold, drippy sugary allure of I Scream?

Rachnid: Dr. Pinkerton, I really think something odd is going on here...

Lab Girl: Don't be silly, Dr. Z, NOTHING odd is going on here!

Rachnid: Yes, it's YOU isn't it? Dr. Pinkerton, ask Lab Girl what she was just doing.

Pinkerton: OK, very well. Alright Lab Girl, spill the beans. What's your game?

EVERYONE DIES or SATURDAY NIGHT

Pinkerton: Well that proves it. She's been so preoccupied with murderous thoughts, there's no way she had the time to do anything untoward.

Everybody protests Pinkerton's theory.

Pinkerton: Silence! This arguing is doing nothing to advance my agenda, which is testing out this device. Always remember the salient question: why do we do it?

ALL: Because we're scientists.

Pinkerton: OK, now for the final test... before I deploy this wonderful new weapon against the enemies of the C.O.G....

All: COG!!!

Pinkerton: ... we must test it out on a suitable test subject. Lab Girl, kindly select somebody suitable from our erstwhile audience for LoBoToMization! First, we'll just use the Luck Gun on them, thereby purifying the brain of Pinkyon Particles. Excellent.

At the end of the song, Lab Girl departs the stage then Jason comes out and abducts the brain donor.

Pinkerton: Where is my test subject?

All: I don't know!

Pinkerton: This is intolerable! This entire evening has ranked as some of the worst luck I've ever experienced. Wait, that's it! I'm in possession of the means of altering my bad fortune! I shall use the gun on myself. COG-dammit, the barrel's too long... here Lab Girl, aim the Luck Gun at me, and whatever you do, make sure the pointer is set on GOOD. Like this. Got it? Good. Now then, must remember to put on the blindfold... excellent. OK, Lab Girl, fire when ready!

Lab Girl motions (shhhhh!) to the audience then switches the pointer to 'BAD LUCK' and pulls the trigger. Pinkerton convulses and then settles down.

Pinkerton: Wow, I feel great! It's fantastic to finally be rid of all the bad luck that has plagued me all these years. I feel like I'm ready to take on the world! Ready to...

While Pinkerton is ranting Jason comes out and abducts him.

Rachnid: What a surprise! I never would have anticipated that.

Z: Yeah, nothing like this has ever happened before!

Rachnid: I guess it’s us that are lucky.

Z: And it is I that am funky!