COG-TOR WHO? Rev. 6/22/13
Open on 'Doctor Who' type titles.
Music consists of a COG performance of the theme song
Pull out from screen to reveal Pinkerton standing there watching TV. He pauses with the remote.
Pinkerton: Citizens of planet Earth, the following information is of vital importance to the future of you all. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. BUT FOR ONCE, that is of secondary interest!
Now then. I am proud to remind you that I am A Doctor... my doctorate of course being in Applied EVIL Sciences. But there are thousands of other doctors in this world, and I am rapidly losing patience with the ongoing operation of eliminating all of them.
<holds up picture of Matt Smith>
See this guy? This fellow has had the audacity to stake his claim for the last 4 years, not just to being A doctor, but being THE DOCTOR... the definite article, you might say! The most important Doctor in the universe! But fortunately for his continued EXISTANCE, he has recently wised up and QUIT, and everybody is now sqabbling over WHO will be next to bear this honor.
That is where I, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, am enthusiastically ready to make this important announcement! Utilizing my incredible command of SCIENCE, I have peered into the future and declare myself to be the ONLY person qualified for the role. Look at this!
Several clips are shown, with Pinkerton substituted in for The Doctor. Every time the Doctor has to make a decision, we cut to Pinkerton saying "blow them up!" and then cackling.
Pinkerton: You see how much BETTER that would be? Why, I shall be the most EVIL Doctor in all of Time and Space! Bwahahahahhaa! Unless, that is... unless one of you DARES to challenge me for the title? - and if you are so unwise, you have a limited TIME in which to do so - Saturday, June 29th at the Jefferson Orleans North in Metairie, Louisiana! Who is foolish enough to take up my challenge?! Oh and before you answer... I have some new allies who you should meet!
Daleks: WE SUPPORT DR. PINKERTON'S PLAN. ALL OTHER HU MANS WILL BE EXTERMINARTED! EXTERMINATED!!!
Pinkerton: So... any takers? See you June 29th in Metairie, Louisiana, fools! Bwahahahahahahahaha
Pinkerton: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press - allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius - a group best known as the COG!
Pinkerton: Indeed, and welcome to NOLA Time Fest's inaugural Sonic Screwdriver Sock Hop! We'll be playing some great music for you all, and therefore I command you all to stop thinking and DANCE!
DANCE OR DIE
Pinkerton: Remy, has your team succeeded in breaking into that police box yet?
Remy: Sorry boss, but I'm having a hard time getting near it, what with Dr. Z's funk and all...
Dr. Z: We're gonna take a little break now, but we'll be back in a while, so don't nobody go nowhere.
- SHORT BREAK -
Pinkerton: Greetings again, fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, time lords, time ladies, and those of you in the cheap seats. When I say Doctor, you say...
Pinkerton: Yes, the Doctor is why we are here, and it is no coincidence that I am the foremost Doctor in this room. Butonce I am granted access to the TARDIS, I shall be the foremost Doctor in the whole stinking Universe! WHO can stop me?
Remy: Well, I certainly don't see any other Doctors challenging you for the role.
Pinkerton: Not like last night!
Pinkerton: Tonight, there will be no fight, for I am always right! And believe me when I say that EVIL shall win this time. How many of you are on the side of GOOD? Well too bad, for I am going to re-educate you all.
EVIL IS FUN
Pinkerton: Yes, I will be the most EVIL Doctor Who you have ever met!
Pinkerton: Silence! And the most stylish - just look at my outfit... SO much better than any of those other fools! Who needs a bow tie when you're wearing a Lab Coat! None of these other so-called 'doctors' has ever worn a Lab Coat, but I predict that EVERYONE will be wearing them in the future. Remy, care to tell them what I'm refering to?
Pinkerton: Excellent work, Remy! Now then... have you idiots succeeded in breaking into that TARDIS yet?
Dr. Z: Negative. Perhaps if you asked permission from the BBC?
Pinkerton: How dare they resist! They will learn to bow to my might soon enough, for...
Pinkerton: Is there anybody here that will NOT bow to me? Anyone who wants to challenge me for the title of 'Doctor'? If so, show yourself!
<Paul steps forward, guarded by UNIT soldiers>
Paul: Well, I challenge you! I personally think the Doctor should be a force for GOOD, not evil... and by the way I have the Tardis key you're looking for!
<thunder and lightning, and a voice booms out:>
Time Lord: The challenge has been joined. We, the Time Lords of Gallifrey, have been monitoring this event, and are even now carefully considering the outcome. Anyone who would take the name of Doctor must pass certain tests to prove themselves worthy.
Pinkerton: Tests? Like WHAT?
Time Lord: First you must demonstrate the mastery of Time, by precise navigation of your time vehicles. We shall start by commanding you to travel back to the 10th Century, and retrieve an artifact from that era. On your mark... get set... go.
Pinkerton and Paul duck into the TIME DOOR and TARDIS. The TIME DOOR and the TARDIS flash their lights, appropriate sounds are heard, then the lights come back to normal.
Time Lord: What have you brought from the 10th Century, Dr… what was your name again?
Paul: Well, I've got these gold coins, a flask of mead, and this arrow from the 10th Century.
Pinkerton: Oh yeah? That's nothing! I've got the legendary Mallet of Metal!
Time Lord: Well done, Dr... what did you say your name was? Those are indeed genuine artifacts from Wessex Castle, at the time of the First Crusade. But Dr. Pinkerton, I believe you have overreached... that Mallet you hold is not from the 10th Century or even from Earth; it's actually an alien weapon from the realm of Asgard. So you lose, Dr. Pinkerton! Oh, and by the way, you might have also brought back the Black Plague.
All: The black plague?
Pinkerton: Alright, fair is fair... I didn't know the rules of the contest. Tell you what; I'll race you back to 1955. First one to bring back a genuine 1955 artifact wins! And.... go!
<the Time Door and TARDIS flash and roar, and Pinkerton and Paul emerge>
Paul: Here's a genuine microphone from 1955. Look at that chrome finish!
Pinkerton: Well, I've got something better... look at this Members Only jacket! I got this from some fool at a school dance in 1955.
Remy: Uhh, boss... I think you might have messed up again...
BACK IN TIME
Dr. Z: Enough of this sappy slow dancing... let's play something that really cooks!
JOHNNY B GOODE
Time Lord: We now come to the question of regeneration. If you were to die, what would you prefer to look like if you regenerated?
Pinkerton: Me? Die?! Preposterous.
Remy: Hey boss, EVERYONE dies eventually, you know
Pinkerton: Next question please Mr. Time Lord ... I'm getting a little tired of these charades!
Time Lord: Very well. There is more to being The Doctor than just mastery of time travel - he must also be ready and able to deal with danger. What would you do if faced by ... vicious haemovores?
Paul: Oh, I know this one... you have to maintain a psychic barrier to block their...
Pinkerton: WRONG. Ha! Haemovores? All you need to deal with them is a bucket full of blood! Just listen to this old vampirate anthem...
Sybil: Let me inspect that bucket if you don't mind...
Pinkerton: You don't have what it takes to be called 'Doctor'. What if you encountered zombies?
Paul: Oh, you must mean the Gelth. Well if we just had some gas lanterns then we could...
Pinkerton: WRONG AGAIN! Ha! I have my own recipe for dealing with zombies... we'll have a barbecue!
Time Lord: Dr. Pinkerton... you have done well up to this point. You must now prove your precise control over time travel by traveling back to the time of the ancient Vikings, and picking up a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a gallon of Milk.
Time Lord: Well done, Pinkerton. So well done, that now I'm going to give you the task of going back and getting my dry cleaning... I'm down to my last clean ceremonial cowl!
Pinkerton: I've got a better idea! Do you have a fix on the location of Gallifrey, colleagues?
Colleagues: Sure thing, boss.
Pinkerton: While everybody has been distracted by this stupid contest, my colleagues have found the location of the Eye of Harmony... how would you like it if I unleashed a supermassive black hole on this entire galactic sector?
SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE
Pinkerton: Bwahahahahhaa!!! While you were all distracted, my ultimate plan has converged… do you see this? THIS is the last known tape of the Dalek Masterplan… and this is a magnet! Yes, I’m going to erase this irreplaceable tape if you don’t give me that TARDIS key!
Time Lord: Stop! Do you realize what you’re doing? You’ll unravel the entire causal nexus!
Drumbot: Wow boss, you've gone completely mad!
Pinkerton: I'll just take that TARDIS key now, if you don't mind. And to ensure you don't give us any resistance, I'm going to put you in the Sonic Mind Probe!
Paul: No! Not the Mind Probe.
Remy: Wait boss, let me assist. Here, hold the end of this scarf.
<Pinkerton is handed the middle of the scarf. Remy chases Paul in a circle around Pinkerton, effectively wrapping him up in the long scarf. The two of them knock Pinkerton into the Sonic Mind Probe, just in time to be lobotomized!>
Time Lord: Congratulations Dr. … what did you say your name was? It looks like the universe will be safe after all, thanks to you.
Paul: And thank you to Remy Dee for helping me to apprehend this dangerous criminal!
Remy: Don't mention it! And now, as for YOU, Dr. Pinkerton... oh Rabbid Woman, are you ready?!
<Rabbid Woman appears onstage and drags off a protesting Pinkerton>
Rabbid Woman: Certainly!
<Rabbid Woman throws Pinkerton into the TARDIS. Paul locks the door.>
Remy: Only one thing left to do! Drumbot, what do you think, sweetie?
Pinkerton in TARDIS interior, looking around admiringly. Suddenly he stops.
Pinkerton: Oh, hello! Thank you for helping me out with all that...
Dalek: YOU ARE THE DOC TOR.
Pinkerton: <removing scarf> Oh, no... remember, I'm just A 'doctor'... still Dr. Pinkerton
CU on Dalek head
Dalek: THE DOCTOR IS THE ENEMY OF THE DALEKS. THEREFORE YOU WILL BE EXERMINATED.
Pinkerton: No, no wait, your lot forgot all about that at the end of 'Asylum of the Daleks, right?'
CU on Dalek head
Dalek: Wrong! EX TER MIN ATE!!!
CU on Dalek gun
Extermination effect on Pinkerton. The End
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