C.O.G. vs. C.O.G. - rev. 8/8/11

Consortium of Genius vs. Champions of Goodness by Lewis D'Aubin, Barbie Cure, & Chris Enyart

rev. 8/8/11 Ver 'E'

Bombastic music bed as impressive looking titles come flying at the screen and stick there: C.O.G.: Champions of Goodness

background: a large vaulted building with 'Chamber of Goodliness' written across its arched entrance

Narrator: Assembled within the Chamber of Goodliness are five of the greatest heroes the world has ever known!

The characters are shown as they are announced, doing mighty things & such

Narrator: Wondera!

Champions offscreen: WonDERA.

Narrator: Sorry – Wondera! Helga the Heroic! Rabbid Woman and Elastic Lass! Aided by the amazing technology invented by Cyber Siren, they toil to save the world from the combined evil of the Consortium of Genius - Dr. McLummox! Dr. Z! Dr. Ivan Stroganoff! Max D Struction! Professor Chronotis! And their twisted lunatic leader, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III! Aided and abetted by their servile super-robot, Drumbot, these evil minded mad scientists fight a neverending battle from their Secret Lab across the street, to destroy all which is good and…

Pinkerton: Turn that trash off, drumbot! Twisted lunatic? Paltry description if I ever heard one! I am none other than the greatest evil genius in the WORLD! And when the world is MINE, I'll teach them to choose their adjectives more carefully, for…


Pinkerton: Yes, the entire world will bow to me before the night is through!

Drumbot: Only if its 'Free shot night' and your shrine is in the john.

Pinkerton: Silence Drumbot. The only sound I want to hear from you is rhythmic percussion.

Max: But what about the Champions of Goodness?

Pinkerton: Of course, Max, we'll deal with them… as soon as we have the new weapon in hand. Speak of which, Dr. Z, do you have any idea WHEN the last component of our new toy is scheduled to arrive?

(Remy rings the doorbell)

Pinkerton: Password?

Remy: Antidisestablishmentarianism! (Max lets her in, Remy blocks the door with one of the boxes.)

Remy: Hi! I'm Remy! I'm here with the parts you ordered from me?

Pinkerton: Hi! I don't care! Just put them over there and be on your way.

Remy: Actually, Dr. P – May I call you Dr. P? – I was hoping I could get a job with the Consortium of Genius. I hear you need a cybertechnician.

Pinkerton: What makes you think we have a position open?

Remy: The ad on Craigslist.

Pinkerton: What?! Who put an ad on Craigslist? (Drumbot whistles innocently) Drumbot! What did I tell you about inviting people to the lab! (Goes over to argue with Drumbot)

(The two of them are off arguing while a light shines on Remy; she pulls out a communicator)

Remy: I'm in.

Wondera: No, you're on thin ice, Cyber Siren. Don't screw this mission up, or you're out!

Remy: Me, out! You couldn't even download your cute kitty cat videos from the internet without me. I've…

Wondera: Quiet, Cyber Siren - you're tech support, not a superhero. Now that you're in, I'm sending Stuporman over to apprehend Pinkterton!

Remy: (Rolls eyes) Fine, how soon can he get here?

Stuporman bursts in the still open door accompanied by a fanfare of music. Remy quickly unpackes a laser from the box she was delivering.

All: Stuperman!

Max: The lab is impregnable! How could he get in?

Chronotis: Possibly through the open door you forgot to close.

Mc Lummox: I'm not with them I'm just here for a guitar lesson.

Stroganoff: You could use one

Stuporman: Quiet! Your reign of terror is over, villains! Now young lady, why don't you step back and allow me to take over.

Remy takes a step back and backs into something and the death laser goes off killing Stuporman – who is blasted back out of the door.

Mc Lummox: She killed Stuporman, just like that.

Remy: (Shaken) It was an accident!

Chronotis: Excellent shot young lady, you seem to have hit him in his only weak spot.

Z: I say we indoctrinate her into the C.O.G. immediately.

Remy: Really?!

Pinkerton: Indoctrinate her into the Consortium of Genius? Are you mad? She isn't even a scientist!

Remy grabs a lab coat from the rack and puts it on.

Max: How about now.

Pinkerton: Well, yes I suppose that does change things a bit!


Pinkerton: Yes, you certainly look and sound somewhat scientific. But looks aren't everything! What are your credentials?

Remy: Mechanical engineering, specifically in robotics.

Pinkerton: Robotics, eh? Why don't you come over here and see if you can get Drumbot to behave.

Drumbot: Me? Behave? I have an IQ of four hundred thousand and the only thing I get to do is bang on a drum all day.… (Locks eyes with Remy) I… (Love theme from Romeo and Juliet plays)

Pinkerton: Stroganoff! Wait until we're finished talking to practice your Tchaikovsky!

Drumbot: Wow! You can tinker with me any day, baby! Can we keep her Dr. Pinkerton?

Dr Z: Indeed, I can always use another member in my harem!

Mc Lummox: Another member? I thought you were still looking for the first one.

Dr Z: infidel, I will show you!


Dr Z: Oh yes! You would be a lovely addition in my pleasure palace!

Remy: (Pulls out a weapon) And you'd be a lovely addition in a cemetery!

Dr Z: When are we going to have a girl over to the lab who isn't armed to the teeth.

Pinkerton: Dr. Z get over here! I don't want you bringing in a sexual harassment lawsuit… again!

(Dr. Z and Pinkerton walk over to the other side of the stage to argue, just as Remy's communicator rings.)

Remy: Cyber Siren here.

Wondera: Where is Stuporman? I've lost communications with him.

Remy: Wondera… Stuporman is dead.

Wondera: Stuporman is DEAD? Evidently this Consortium of Idiots is more dangerous that we thought! I'm going to send Elastic Lass down there to retrieve you, as you are clearly over your head.

Remy: Why don't you just let me kill Pinkerton?

Wondera: Kill Pinkerton? I've told you before - heroes don't kill! We might level a city block apprehending, but we do not kill. Got that? Now, stay out of trouble until Elastic Lass arrives, and MAYBE you'll still have a job after this. Wondera out!

Pinkerton: (Comes back over) My apologies for the conduct of my colleague, Remy – he tends to do that, you know; don't worry, you learn to ignore it after a time or someone will wind up getting killed. Anyway, as it happens, you arrived on a good night to potentially start working.

Remy: Gee, Dr. P, what are we going to do tonight?

Pinkerton: The same thing we do every night, Remy – try to take over the world!

Remy: Well, I have to ask – why even attempt world domination? How could it possibly be worth the trouble? Why do you do it?

Pinkerton: I'll tell you.


Elastic Lass: Haha! Nice job leaving the door open, Siren!

Chronotis: Still!

Max: I'd better call a locksmith.

Remy: (Stage whisper) Knock it off! I'm still undercover! (Regular voice) Elastic Lass! Oh no!

Elastic Lass: Oh yes! And I'm not going to be as flexible with you, Pinkerton! I'll make your punishment stretch out as long as I do! (She and Pinkerton spar)

Stroganoff: Get her!

Chronotis: How? Elastic Lass is virtually indestructible.

Remy: Not true! She can't handle extreme cold.

Stroganoff: How do you know that? Never mind, lure her over here! (he motions toward the Cryonic Chamber and opens the front door)

Elastic Lass has a hand around Pinkerton's neck, and is trying to strangle him with it; Pinkerton's trying to back away but finds he can't break free, as her arm merely stretches.

Elastic Lass: Looks like the long arm of justice has finally caught up with you! Now I will destroy your precious lab, and your little drummer too!

Remy: (In a sudden rush of anger) What?! NO!!!

Remy pushes Elastic Lass from behind and she elastically springs into the Cryonic Chamber. Ivan slams the Chamber's door and Remy pulls the lever. The machine churns and when Ivan opens the door, the solid frozen body of Elastic Lass hits the floor.

Drumbot: Gosh! Thank you, Remy! You're quite a woman! (Chronotis sweeps the bits of Elastic Lass offstage)

Pinkerton: You killed a person to save a robot… I like that! Excellent work, Remy!

Remy: I gotta say… This whole killing people thing… It's… fun!

Pinkerton: Well, my new protégé, you'll find lots of things we do in the lab to be fun.


Drumbot: Wow Remy! I can think of all kinds of ways to have fun with you! Hire her already, Dr. Pinkerton!

Pinkerton: Not just yet! I know you excel with robots, but I need to know how you fare with other areas of science. For example, I'm going to give this pill to an unsuspecting person (Gives it to audience member, and proceeds with medication test)


(Molecule test)


Pinkerton: Yes, you're doing very well, Remy! I think we may have a spot for you in the C.O.G. as of yet!

Stroganoff: (Suspiciously) Yes. It's nice to have someone who's not a spy around here.

Remy: Actually, there's something you all should know. The Champions of Goodness are trying to infiltrate the lab. They've already sent Stuporman and Elastic Lass… Which means that they'll probably send Helga the Heroic next. (All gasp)

Stroganoff: Wait, how do you know this?

Remy: I, uh, I hacked into their communications.

Chronotis: Helga? Isn't she the viking warrior armed with the legendary Mallet of Metal?


Pinkerton: Let me explain, F13.


Dr. Z: Do you know if Helga the Horrible has any weaknesses?

Remy: I only have a hunch. But I definitely know where she gets her power from – Calcium!


Helga: (Arrives singing the last lines of Milk) Did I hear someone singing the praises of "Milk"? Oh you shouldn't have. I'll feel slightly bad about DESTROYING YOU ALL!!! (Runs toward Pinkerton with the Mallet and knocks him down)

Pinkerton: F13! Attack! (F13 lumbers toward her, but their eyes meet, and the theme from Romeo and Juliet plays again)

Chronotis: You can't be serious.

F13: Wooomaaan!

Pinkerton: COG-Dammit! F13 was our only hope! (As he's speaking, Remy disguised as the Angel of Death shows up and scares Helga into a state of shock. Experiment F13 grabs for her but only gets the Mallet and Dr. Z pushes her into the Cryonic Chamber and pulls the lever.)

F13: (cradling the mallet) Woooman! Nooo...

Pinkerton: Death! What are you doing here… again?

Remy: (Takes off the Angel of Death disguise as the others dispose of what's left of Helga) It's only me, Dr. P! I remembered hearing that Helga fears only Death since she had a run in with a Valkyrie. Figured it was worth a shot!

Pinkerton: Excellent analysis, Remy! Of course, you know what I say to the Angel of Death?!


Remy: I must say, this is all kind of growing on me. I had no idea homicide would be so… enticing. Makes me feel more alive somehow…


Pinkerton: You are indeed right, apprentice! Everyone will die eventually. Some sooner than others! Case in point, it's time I showed you what those parts you delivered were for: my new invention, The Wireless Universal Remote Detonator! (the screen shows the Taj Mahal). In less than an hour, will shall test it out on the Taj Mahal! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Dr. Z: But you said I could have that building after we took over the world…

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, must I continually remind you, some things are more important than others. For instance, I am more important than YOU. And furthermore...

(while Pinkerton is lecturing Z, Remy's communicator rings, and she runs to the side of the stage)

Remy: Cyber Siren here.

Wondera: Siren! The Champions of Goodness are dropping like Falcons during a Saints game! It seems that the Consortium of Genius is a far bigger threat than we realized. I'm sending Rabbid Woman to get you out of there! Wondera out!

Remy: Oh crap.

Drumbot: Are you okay, my sweet little angel of death?

Remy: Not really. I just, um, just deduced that there are two members left in the Champions of Goodness. They'll probably send Rabbid Woman next.

Drumbot: What's so bad about Rabbid Woman?

Pinkerton: You haven't heard the legends?


Pinkerton: If Rabbid Woman shows up, we're done for! Bolt the doors and activate the lazer defenses!

(Rabbid Woman sweeps in and stands right behind Dr. Pinkerton)

Rabbid Woman: That won't be necessary, Doctor. (Pinkerton jumps and screams like a girl) Relax! I'm not here to hurt or maim anyone! I know a winning team when I see one. After all these years of being the dark vigilante, I have to admit I've been on the wrong side the whole time! (Winks at Remy) The dark side looks MUCH more fun than playing the hero all the time.

Remy: What?!

Dr. Z: Oh yes! Two ladies in one night!

Stroganoff: You must think we are crazy.

Remy: You're out of your mind

Pinkerton: Now hold on a moment… they once said I was mad too!


Pinkerton: Well, you're definitely adept to breaking into secure places… Although, that's been happening a lot around here lately.

Rabbid Woman: I can do all that and more. For example, I can also tell you that Remy Dee is a SPY!

Stroganoff: I knew it!

Drumbot: What!? No way!

Remy: No! It's not true! I mean it was, but – Drumbot…

Pinkerton: A spy?! F13! Take her away! (F13 grabs her and starts to drag her away)

Remy: No! Let me explain! (Knocks F13 back and runs in between band members as she tries to get away. She and Rabbid Woman spar)

Chronotis: Why does every other night in the lab seem to result in a fight?

Pinkerton: (amused) Reminds me of last night!


(All through the song, Remy is dodging between band members, until F13 catches her at the end of the song)

Pinkerton: How shall we deal with this traitor?

Stroganoff: I say we rip out her fingernails and force her to eat them!

Mc Lummox: Nah, we did that last time.

Chronotis: Or perhaps we should cut off her head and reanimate it to sing show tunes.

Mc Lummox: Nah, we also did that last time.

Rabbid Woman: Or perhaps… YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST! (Opens the front door and lets Wondera in)

Wondera: Excellent work, Rabbid Woman! (F13 lets Remy go because his master is in trouble). Good work infiltrating the lab, Cyber Siren! Now it's time for justice to be served and for this evil madman to meet his fate!

Drumbot: Remy, I knew you weren't a traitor at least not to me.

Remy: Drumbot, you've made me see the evil inside of me.

Drumbot: Awww Remy – the evil was inside you all along!

Wondera: Charming now why don't you all come along quietly.

Pinkerton: Oh no you don't… one more step toward me and I'm warning you… I'll blow up the Taj Mahal!!!

Rabbid Woman: I've been to the Taj Mahal it was way over rated.

Wondera: And the souvenirs, what a rip off.

(Wondera steps toward him… so Pinkerton presses the button and blows up the Taj Mahal. Wondera apprehends Pinkerton as he cackles maniacally)

Pinkerton: It worked! It actually worked! Victory, in a sense, is mine! Bwahaahahahaaaaa!!!

Rabbid Woman: Too bad this will your last invention.

Wondera: You people in the audience have seen all the events in this lab… what do you think of Dr. Pinkerton? Is he innocent or guilty?!

Rabbid Woman: Or maybe that should be guilty or inept.

Wondera: Good point. All right every one, You are our jury.

Wondera points to a still cackling Pinkerton

Wondera: Do you want to see this Twisted lunatic...

Pinkerton: Evil genius!

Wondera and Rabbid Woman: whatever!

Wondera: Do you want to see him released to continue his evil deeds.

She pauses to let the audience react.

Wondera: Or, would you like to see him imprisoned forever in a transdimensional cell and blasted into deep space.

A crude animation depicting this is displayed. Whatever the audience decides, Wondera declares him guilty.

Wondera: Excellent choice. Rabbid Woman, Let's go.

Pinkerton is taken (on video) to the Chamber of Goodliness (across the street), where he is to be imprisoned forever in a transdimensional cell and blasted into deep space.

Wondera (on video): Cyber Siren! You have betrayed the Champions of Goodness. However, being the GOOD GUYS, we are willing to give you one more chance. Do you want to come back to us and help me find that video of the momma cat hugging her kitten... Or would you prefer to remain there with these villains and share their fate?

Remy: It's very nice of you to offer for me come back and be your slave, but I have a better idea.

Wondera (on video): Nooo!!

Remy hits the button on the Wireless Universal Remote Control Panel, causing the Chamber of Goodliness to blow sky-high.

Stroganoff: What about Dr. Pinkerton?

Max: I'll get him.

Max leaves the stage.

Drumbot: Wow, you sure know how to show an automaton a good time.

Remy: Think so? Just wait till later!

Max returns with Pinkerton,who is reduced to a smoldering skeleton in a lab coat

Dr. McLummox: And look his favorite labcoat is ruined.

Chronotis: Oh he isn't going to be happy about that.

Remy: Happy? He's dead.

Dr. McLummox: Oh no this happens all the time, just watch.

Dr. McLummox pops off the skeletal head, places it in a cryonic chamber, and revivifies Pinkerton fully.

Pinkerton: My best lab coat - its ruined! Who is responsible for this?

Chronotis: Ultimately, that would have to be you.

Pinkerton: Silence! Well, in any eventuality, victory is MINE - therefore its time to Party!

Drumbot: Yippee! Come on baby, let's have a science party cause it's time to party now!!!



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