C.O.G. vs. Dr. A ver. 1.1
At the end of Antarcticaís set, Dr. Pentatonic appears on-stage. He seems quite unnaturally composed and collected. He motions for one of their doctors and whispers in their ear, pointing at Cos Solo. The doctor shrugs his shoulders and then pulls a bag over Cosís head, then binds him in a chain. He makes Pentatonic sign a clipboard, then hands him the chain. Pentatonic leads him offstage. The doctors then forcibly herd the rest of Antarctica vs. the World offstage in the other direction.
Onscreen we see Pentatonic decapitate Cos in some interesting and darkly humorous way. This fades out slowly on Dr. Aís face, spattered with blood and laughing insanely...
A new scene appears on the screen: a dark private study, illuminated by a few candles burning on a desk in the foreground. Empty pill and booze bottles litter the desk. Behind the desk sits Dr. A, nervously clutching at the last almost-empty bottle of Crown Royal, scrawling fitfully on a piece of paper... flashbacks of horrific shots between camera angle cuts reveal Dr. Aís distraught state of mind.
Dr. A: (voiceover) I now fear I am losing what little control remains of my sanity. In the past few hours, I, once the Consortium of Geniusís most potent agent of evil, have committed unspeakable acts against some of the most evil people I know. But I dare not tell Dr. Pinkerton. Already, it is too late. I am almost out of alcohol and pills to suppress these urges, boiling in my brain even as I write this, compelling me to seek out and destroy evil...
Pinkerton: (at first off camera then opening a door in the background and peering in) Dr. A? Dr. A where are you? Ahhh, there you are. Working late on another evil new invention I expect....
Dr. A: (distracted, unsteadily) Something like that...
Pinkerton: Well do not tarry. We have an important lecture to deliver, one which I trust will permanently scar the brains of those miserable bottom-feeders. See you at the lecture hall! And bring along this new invention youíre working on, I wish to inspect it.
Dr. A: Yeah, sure, Iím right behind you...
Dr. Pinkerton exits. A vision appears over Dr. Aís shoulder - a black-hooded head, with a skull-like lower jaw exposed.
Head: (whispers) Destroy Evil...
Dr. A drops his pen and starts trembling violently. He grabs his arm, attempting to hold himself back. His other hand breaks free and grabs a letter opener. He looks at it... nope, too small. He throws it on the desk. He reaches under the desk and grabs a HUGE MEAN LOOKING SWORD. He brings a finger to the edge, which in extreme close-up causes a tiny cut on his finger from just the slightest touch.
Dr. A: Destroy Evil...
Dr. Aís face forms a huge mad grin as his eyes go wide and he walks directly toward the screen, which goes black.
As the house lights come up, Dr. Z is already on-stage. Dr. Pinkerton strides on-stage, with Dr. A right behind him, holding aloft the sword, aiming to cleave Pinkerton right down the middle. Dr. Z notices the sword and takes him aside, distracting him.
Dr. Z: Oh, What a beautiful scimitar! It strongly resembles the one my great great great great great great grandfather used against those heathen crusaders... wait, by the brown beard of Allah, this is MY SWORD! Give me back my sword you western devil!
After a brief struggle, Dr. A slinks over to his position on-stage and dons his guitar while all the while Dr. Pinkerton rambles on:
Pinkerton: Dr. A, what are you doing? Get ready, weíre about to begin the lecture! (to audience) Now then, my fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press. Allow me to introduce myself, for soon, my name will be a household word. I am Doctor Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. Those evil geniuses commonly referred to as the C.O.G.!
Pinkerton: Yes, haha, and youíd better get used to it, for soon, you will all be reciting that mantra daily as you Bow 2 Me!
BOW 2 ME
Pinkerton: Now then, you may ask yourselves, how on earth does the C.O.G. intend to take over the world? I believe our very own Dr. A has the answer to that question. Donít you, Dr. A. Dr. A?
A vision appears on the screen - the same hooded head as before.
Head: (whispers) Taking over the world is evil, Dr. A. Destroy Evil...
Dr. A: (begins to waver, muttering) Destroy evil...
Pinkerton: What? Speak up, I canít understand a word of what you just said.
Dr. A: (steadies himself, empties the liquor bottle) Oh, I said, toy people. (more confidently) Like the new invention Iíve been working on for the C.O.G.
Pinkerton: Yes, what have you been working on anyway? Last I saw it, it looked like just some sort of inflatable onanistic substitutionary anti-procreation device!
Dr. A: Yeah but when you saw her she wasnít turned on. Waittil you see her when sheís all juiced up!
Pinkerton: I believe Iím beginning to catch on now, Dr. A...
Dr. Z: Dr. A? How much are you selling these Android Women for? Iíll take three.
Dr. A: Filling out your harem, are you, Dr. Zaemon Abdul-Siddartha-Mohammad-Achmell-Tutmos-Abram-Ali-Hermes-Odin-Mahatma-Dahali-Martin-Luther -Hussein-Kali-Rocka-Babu-Haegiegi III?
Dr. Z: Oh shucks, just call me Bob.
Pinkerton: Well this prototype is quite appealing, Dr. A, but how much are you going to need to mass produce these babies?
Dr. A: Oh well with the standard expenses, plus a steady supply of drugs and alcohol, say about a BILLION DOLLARS.
Pinkerton: Well let me see what Iíve got on me... wait a minute did you say a BILLION DOLLARS?!??!
BILLION DOLLAR BABIES
Pinkerton: A billion dollars will take copious quantities of time to counterfeit, especially in these small, untraceable denominations. Dr. A, fetch the special green ink and we shall start the printing presses immediately!
(The hooded head appears again on the screen.)
Head: (whispers) Destroy him, Dr. A. Counterfeiting is EVIL. Destroy Evil...
Dr. A: (goes to table of chemicals and grabs the beaker of GREEN SLIME) Ok Destroy Evil Dr. Pinkerton Destroy Evil. Must keep control Destroy Evil...
Pinkerton: Hurry with that ink, Dr. A! Whoops, silly me, I dropped my pen.
(Dr. Pinkerton ducks just in time to avoid Dr. Aís splash of Green Slime)
Dr. Z: Oh, Dr. A you have done a very bad thing.
Pinkerton: (grabs empty beaker) Dr. A! I asked for the green ink! And look, you have wasted the last of the Green Slime!
Pinkerton: Look at this mess! Green Slime everywhere... my immediate plans to take over the world temporarily dashed... Away with you, Dr. A! And donít come back until you can bring me a means of taking over the world.
(Dr. A leaves the stage temporarily)
Pinkerton: Now then, Dr. Z, hand me the phone. Itís time that I consult with an outside genius. His old school wisdom will guide us towards a solution to this little quandary.
(Dr. Pinkerton dials phone. It is answered onscreen by Yngwie Flattstein, World Genius of Heavy Metal.)
Pinkerton: Hello, hello? Dr. Flattstein, I need some assistance here. You see weíre trying to take over the world here, and we could use some new techniques.
Flattstein: Techniques? I wrote the book on techniques... and the book comes with a new instructional video, available exclusively at C&M music! (he holds up a videotape) Check this out... (he throws aside the tape and starts soloing, using the phone as a slide)
Pinkerton: Wait, Dr. Flattstein, I realize you are quite the genius but those arenít precisely the techniques that... say, whatís that?
(Pinkerton points at a guitar behind Flattstein. Flattstein turns to show the guitar off.)
Flattstein: (pulling a Nigel) THAT is a geniune limited issue signature model collectors edition Damien Storm Les Paul. Very rare. Even I donít let me play that one.
Pinkerton: Oh really? May I...
Flattstein: No you may not. Now stop looking at it, you might SCRATCH it.
Pinkerton: But I just wanted to...
(too late. Flattstein has started soloing again.)
Flattstein: There it is, bruh. Metalís coming back to take over, so youíd better stand aside, or be flattened by Flattstein! It says so right here in this exclusive contract I signed with the devil!
Pinkerton: Aha! Dr. Z, get a copy of that contract so that I can examine it...
Dr. Z: Certainly, let me activate the fax machine right now...
(in the background, behind Flattstein, Dr. A appears. Closeup on Dr. Aís face, his eyes jumping left, right. Insane soloing continues in the background. The disembodied head appears once more over his shoulder.)
Head: (whispers) Destroy Evil...
(With a pair of snips, he cuts a guitar string off a guitar on the wall, then creeps up behind Flattstein and strangles him with it. Pinkerton, oblivious to all this, examines the contract with a magnifying lens.)
Dr. A: Destroy evil... hey, whatís this?
(Dr. A grabs the Damien Storm guitar and exits the picture.)
Pinkerton: Why Dr. Flattstein, I must hand it to you. This contract gives you exclusive booking rights for all heavy metal bars in both hell and earth, and guarantees a full backing band made up of walking skeletons! In fact, I havenít seen anything like this since the late 80ís. Dr. Flattstein? Ah well, he must have hung up.
(Dr. A reappears on-stage with Flattsteinís guitar and goes to clobber Pinkerton with it.)
Pinkerton: Ah Dr. A, what have you there?
Dr. A: Oh well itís a Damien Storm signature model Les Paul. I recently picked it up.
Pinkerton: Who? Oh well, this really takes me back. Way back, back to the beginning...
MARCH OF THE SKELETONS
Pinkerton: Excuse me a moment, I seem to have a call.
(Pinkerton answers it.)
Pinkerton: Yes, I am. No, Iím not... WHAT?!??! You donít say! And the guitar... missing? Are you sure? Yes, Iíll be on the lookout! Goodbye.
Dr. Z: Who on earth was that I might ask.
Pinkerton: Why it was the famous vocalist Troy Marx! He was calling to warn us a killer was at large - Yngwie Flattstein has just been murdered! The corpse was covered in blood, with lacerations to the neck!
Dr. Z: Who could have done such a thing?!
Dr. A: Donít look at me! I mean, a guy like that, heís got a lot of groupies and such... one of them could have been a vampire! I mean, lacerations to the neck, you know?
Dr. Z: This all sounds highly suspicious...
Pinkerton: Then I shall have to employ one of my greatest inventions: the C.O.G. Neck Protect 2000 Vampire Defense System! With this thick steel collar around my neck I shall be positively immune to vampire attack. Drumbot, activate a gothic rhythm and we shall see if any vampires show up and try to Bite Me.
(during song, the Vampire appears onstage. Weíll work out whether the Vampire gets killed on stage or video. Dr. A then turns on Dr. Pinkerton)
Head: (whispers) Destroy Evil, Dr. A...
(Dr. A starts trembling violently, then extends his hands to strangle Pinkerton)
Dr. A: Must destroy evil...
Pinkerton: Dr. A, are you having heart palpitations again? Youíd best take some pills. Here. Wash them down with MILK.
(Dr. Pinkerton places the pills and MILK carton into Dr. Aís outstretched hands, stopping him)
Dr. Z: MILK?
(Pinkerton turns away from Dr. A, who stops, stares at the pills and milk, then takes both)
Pinkerton: Why yes, Dr. Z. Some of the most evil men who ever tried to take over the world drank deciliters of the stuff. Attend!
Pinkerton: Now then, are you feeling any better, Dr. A?
Dr. A: (woozy) Why sure, say you donít happen to have any more of those pills, do you?
Pinkerton: You know, if I didnít know better, I would swear you were suffering from the Black Plague.
All: THE BLACK PLAGUE?!??!
Dr. A: (absently) You know, I do remember seeing a headless body earlier today... or maybe it was a bodyless head...
Pinkerton: (pensively) Or perhaps itís not the plague at all.
Dr. Z: (walks over and whispers in Pinkertonís ear) Dr. Pinkerton, I have been analyzing Dr. Aís mental condition, and I do believe he is not right in the head.
Pinkerton: Iíll say! Heís been little or no help to me so far in taking over the world!!!
Dr. Z: In my experience, these problems arise from the failings of a weak western mind. Please allow me now to provide enlightenment in the form of a meditative medical dissertation, over a throwing dance groove.
(Dr. Z walks back to the turntable and puts a CD on it, then starts the sample)
Pinkerton: Now then, enough of this dallying. Now that we know these facts about the BRAIN, we must figure out what is wrong with Dr. Aís brain! And to find out what is wrong with Dr. Aís brain, we need a healthy specimen from this earstwhile audience. Such as.... YOU! Yes you. Drop what you are doing and GET UP HERE!
Pinkerton: There! A fresh brain sample. Oh yes, you are free to go now. Get off the stage! Now then, Dr. A, just sit right down on that chair right there and let me remove your brain for examination...
(Dr. A takes off his guitar. The disembodied head reappears and Dr. A notices and pays attention...)
Head: (whispers loudly) Run Dr. A! Run for your life!
(Dr. A bolts for the Time Door, which activates.)
Pinkerton: Oh no! Heís activated our greatest invention: THE TIME DOOR, that remarkable (plot) device that allows us to visit any point in time or space!
Dr. Z: Oh what a terrible turn of events. Dr. A has gone back in time, apparently to the 80ís!
Pinkerton: We must follow him! Quick Dr. Z, into the Time Door! THE TIME DOOR!!!!
(The screen says Ď1987í. We fade in on the parking lot of a shopping center. A Z-28 drives by as Dr.ís Z & Pinkerton fall to the parking lot. The two glance around.)
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, would you look at the mullet on that one!
Pinkerton: Never mind that, we must find Dr. A before he changes some crucial part of history! He canít have gotten far...
Dr. Z: Let us begin by inspecting that I Scream shop first.
Dr. Z points at a storefront. Itís an ice cream shop with a marquee that reads ĎHeavy Metal I Screamí. Interior of I Scream shop: The place has fog in the air, with black lighting and strobe lighting. ĎPower Metalí plays in the background, metal bar types chat while eating ice cream. Dr.ís Z and Pinkerton walk up to the counter, where a familiar looking hooded figure with a skull-like jaw asks them:
Figure: (heavy whisper) What do you want?
Pinkerton: Ah yes, well weíre looking for a scientist, about this tall, with yellow spectacles and a...
Figure: (leans in, heavier whisper) What do you want TO EAT?
Pinkerton: Oh. Well, letís see. Hmmmmm, So many flavors to choose from.... I think Iíll have a double scoop of Frozen Evil Fudge and my colleague here...
Figure: (handing cone to Pinkerton) Here you are...
Dr. Z: I would quite like a taste spoon of Strawberry Science Shortcake...
The proceedings are interrupted by the entrance of Dr. A, who bursts in the front door, panting and dishevelled!
Closeup of Dr. Aís face - he stares into space, remembering what the head told him...)
Head: Destroy Evil...
Dr. A: (insane, Jack Nicolson style) Donít mind if I do!
Dr. A begins screaming and running forward with his arms extended, to the amazement of the other patrons. Cross cutting between Dr. A and Dr. Pinkerton standing calmly, Dr. Z quizzically behind him and the Figure shaking his hands ĎNO...!í behind the counter. Suddenly, Dr. Pinkerton extends his arm to hold out the ice cream cone, which ends up in Dr. Aís mouth. Cut to shot of Dr.ís Z and Pinkerton dragging Dr. A out through the front door, with the ice cream still in his mouth.
We then return to the stage just in time for...
Dr. A: (wipes mouth with sleeve) What was in that I Scream, Dr. Pinkerton? I feel much better.
Pinkerton: Pure, concentrated evil, Dr. A! Enough to overcome the influence of that person trying to make you destroy me... whomever THAT was!
Dr. Z: Do you remember who it was, Dr. A? I could use the computer to create a sketch of the culprit, then we could have our revenge!
(as Dr. A describes the features, the computer slowly completes a picture of DEATH)
Dr. A: Well, he was wearing a cloak, you couldnít really see his face... he was about 7 feet tall and I think he was carrying some kind of stick or something...
(Pinkerton regards the computer display and immediately declares:)
Pinkerton: Why Iíd recognize that cloaked idiot anywhere! Gentlemen, our antagonist appears to be... DEATH! Well, in that case, death to the angel of death!
Pinkerton: Death, Iíve had enough of you and your meddling!
Death: Pinkerton, is that you? What are you talking about? Iíve been home all night watching Godzilla movies! Hello?
Dr. A: Pinkerton, I hate to break this to you, but that wasnít the right guy.
Pinkerton: Then whom could it have been? WHOM?
Dr. Z: Gentlemen, I believe I have the answer. Please to observe the surveillance video tape!
(Dr. Z aims a remote control at the screen. He rewinds the scene from the Ice Cream shop and stops it on the shot of the cloaked Ice Cream man.)
Dr. A: Thatís him, but how?
Pinkerton: I intend to find out. Everybody, into the Mystery Mach... I mean, THE TIME DOOR!
(The three take off all instruments and enter the Time Door)
(Up on the screen, the readout says Ď1987í again as the three materialize in front of the I Scream Shop, and enter the front door. Int. I Scream shop, Dr.ís Z and A immobilize the cloaked figure while Dr. Pinkerton prepares to unmask him.)
Pinkerton: Now letís find out who the phantom REALLY is...
(Dr. Pinkerton pulls off the mask. Itís DAMIEN STORM!)
Dr.ís A & Z: DAMIEN STORM!
Damien Storm: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadnít been for you meddling scientists!
(Suddenly, Drumbot pops up behind the counter)
Pinkerton: Drumbot? What are YOU doing here?
Drumbot: Well, I heard they were serving metal ice cream!
Dr. A: I Scream for everyone!
(Drumbot brings up an arm with the ice cream in hand, and knocks his own head off)
Dr. Z: Thank you, come again!
(Everybody busts up laughing as we fade out to the credits.)
© 2001 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.