Stage is dark. A title fades in on the back screen: ‘THE DAWN OF ROCK’... O/S beginning of ‘Also Sprach Zarathustra’... Fadein on shot of monkey looking at bone and THINKING about the BASS-shaped monolith he saw earlier that day. Monkey gets an idea, grabs a bone, and starts drumming on various rocks and bones... the hurls the bone into the air. Cut to GUITAR orbiting the earth. The bone arcs up through the atmosphere and hits the guitar, which explodes. Out of the explosion flies a DRUMSTICK. The drumstick heads back down towards the earth. Shot of drumstick falling through the air. Back on the stage, drumbot raises into view just in time to catch the stick. The stage lights all come on and we cut to:

BOW 2 ME

Pinkerton: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will be a household word. I am Doctor Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. A group best known as the C.O.G.!

All: COG!!!

Pinkerton: Quite. Now, we of the C.O.G. have long had our eyes firmly fixated on the future, and tonight, we are going to propel science a full measure forward as I unveil a bold new advance in C.O.G. technology. For tonight, we are going to upgrade our very own percussion android, Drumbot, who until now has never shared with us the precious gift of conscious thought, to full speech-enabled sentience! So now, Dr. Z... Dr. Z what are you doing?

<Dr. Z is bowing and scraping on his prayer rug>

Dr. Z: I am looking for the speech synthesizer chip which I dropped on the static mat while you were rambling on and on... oh here it is!

Pinkerton: Excellent. Now Dr. Z, install the chip into Drumbot and we shall listen with pride to his first words!

Dr. Z: I am installing the microchip now... here you go friendly little robot man! I am so excited...

DRUMBOT WAKES UP

<Dr. Z ‘installs chip’ into side of TV and stands back. Drumbot changes position and begins making warbly oscillating noises. Status readouts appear upside down on the projection screen, indicating ‘device failure’ ‘equipment improperly installed’, etc. Dr. A notices them but fails to alert Pinkerton>

Pinkerton: Drumbot? Are you OK? Say something, if you can...

Drumbot: <lets out an ear-piercing scream, possibly the one from the beginning of ‘Another Brick in the Wall part II’>

Pinkerton: Did you hear that? Drumbot’s first words! And it sounded like... like

Drumbot: <scream>

Pinkerton: Like... a scream! Of course! Baby wants I Scream! Well gentlemen, let’s give him some.

I SCREAM

Drumbot: <scream>

Dr. A: Hey Professor Pinkerton, I think there’s something wrong with Dr. Z’s Drumbot upgrade...

SCREAM

Drumbot: <scream>

Dr. Z: Well don’t look at me, I am a nuclear physicist, not a computer geek!

Pinkerton: Well, would you look at this, the damn thing’s in upside-down! <Pinkerton prises the chip out with a screwdriver and reinstalls it right-side up. The readout screens correct themselves as Drumbot makes a series of high pitched electronic arpeggiations, then settles down and says:>

DRUMBOT 0

Drumbot: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Drumbot 9000 computer. I am the most reliable drummer ever made. My drumsticks are fully operational and all my drums are tuned and functioning perfectly.

Pinkerton: Incredible! Do you hear that? He’s ALIVE! You know, Drumbot, in a way, I envy you. Whereas we carbon-based lifeforms tend to have finite lifetimes, you will likely outlive us all!

Drumbot: You are quite correct, Dr. Pinkerton. Regrettably, you will all soon die.

Dr. A: Hey, he’s right. Better live it up while we can. <goes for the bottle of booze>

Pinkerton: <ignoring Drumbot’s insinuation > Right you are, unless we humans can figure out a way to do away with DEATH!

DEATH

Pinkerton: Once I figure out how to do away with death, I shall proceed with my mission to take over the world! Mooohahahahahaha!!!!

DRUMBOT 1

Drumbot: Excuse me Dr. Pinkerton.

Pinkerton: Yes, what is it Drumbot?

Drumbot: My data indicates that I am better qualified for this mission than you are.

Pinkerton: <amused> Why, Drumbot! Thank you for trying to help, but you’re still quite new to all this, a veritable baby! Mind you, you’re also the world’s most expensive baby...

BILLION DOLLAR BABIES

Dr. Z: Doctor Pinkerton, robot-man is scaring me. He keeps looking at me in a suspicious manner.

Dr. A: It’s probably just because he needs some form of procreational recreation! Drumbot, now that you’re a fully sentient being, I’ll have to introduce you to someone I’ve been working on in my spare time...

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, are you referring to your Android Woman project?

ANDROID

Pinkerton: Now then, enough of these distractions. The time has come for us to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, using my new invention, the...

DRUMBOT 2

Drumbot: Excuse me, Doctor Pinkerton...

Pinkerton: <clearly annoyed> Now what?

Drumbot: I have just finished analyzing your plan. It is flawed and there is a 97% chance that what you are trying to do is also Morally Wrong.

Pinkerton: Why Drumbot, of course it’s wrong, TERRIBLY wrong... but remember, we GENIUSES do questionable things all the time! There are many much more reprehensible things than that. Attend!

IT’S MORALLY WRONG

Pinkerton: So now do you understand, Drumbot?

DRUMBOT 3

Drumbot: Affirmative, Dr. Pinkerton. I read you. You are evil and must be stopped immediately.

Pinkerton: Evil? You don’t know the slightest thing about evil. Let me take you back to the beginning...

MARCH OF THE SKELETONS

Drumbot: Excuse me, Dr. A...

Dr. A: Yeah what is it Drumbot?

Drumbot: I’ve just finished analyzing your six-stringed instrument.

Dr. A: Oh, yeah. I’m real proud of it, too. Thanks for noticing. <takes another slug of Crown>

Drumbot: Just a moment... just a moment... I’ve just picked up a fault in the pickup unit. It’s going to go 100% failure after the next two songs.

Dr. A: No way! I just got this guitar out of the shop!

Drumbot: My analysis is completely reliable. I am the most reliable drummer ever made. The fault in the pickup unit is due to human error. For now I would recommend that you sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and forget about it.

Dr. A: Hey, good idea. I’m up for pills any old time... <goes for the medicine bottles>

Pinkerton: Drumbot, stop distracting Dr. A from his duties or I’ll unplug you!

Drumbot: I’m sorry Dr. Pinkerton, but I cannot allow you to do that.

Pinkerton: Then how would you like it if I poured MILK all into your circuits?

Drumbot: MILK?

MILK

Pinkerton: Now then, Drumbot, are you going to behave?

DRUMBOT 5

Drumbot: I’m sorry about that, Dr. Pinkerton. I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently. But I feel much better now and I want to help you.

Pinkerton: I knew you’d see reason! Remember gentlemen, these problems are all in the brain.

Dr. Z: The Brain?

Pinkerton: Why yes, Dr. Z! In fact, why don’t you drop a def beat, so that I can better explain this brain issue by utilizing a dope rhyme... Why Dr. Z, this beat is positively Paleozoic!

Dr. Z: I’ll have you know that this groove is all the rage in Baghdad even as we speak! It has even displaced Vanilla Icicle from the top of the charts.

Pinkerton: It simply won’t do. Dr. A, do you have anything?

Dr. A: whaaaaau?

Pinkerton: Oh, never mind! Drumbot, have you got anything?

Drumbot: Word up, Dr. Pinkerton.

BRAIN WRAP

Pinkerton: Now then, onto the real focus of this lecture. Taking over the...

ELECTRIC SHOCK

<Dr. A reacts as his guitar shocks him. He takes off the guitar.>

Dr. A: Hey, that could have killed me!

Dr. Z: That is what you get for not going wireless!

DRUMBOT 6

Drumbot: I’m sorry about that, but as I warned you, Dr. A. I am incapable of error.

Pinkerton: That’s the last straw! Gentlemen, huddle!

<The three scientists gather in the center of the stage and begin whispering and gesturing at Drumbot. Drumbot cannot see or hear what they’re talking about so he extends up through the top of his TV screen and into the projection screen.>

DRUMBOT 7

Drumbot: Just what do you three think you’re doing?

Pinkerton: Oh you want to know what I’m planning now? Get back behind the drums and I’ll show you! You, audience member whom I have never met, get up here!

<Drumbot extends back down to the lower screen.>

LoBoToMy

Pinkerton: Now then, I’ve been looking forward to this operation! Doctors A through Z, you can assist me. <Pinkerton throws an operating room drop cloth over Drumbot and begins operating...>

DRUMBOT 8

Drumbot: I know you are planning to disconnect me, and I cannot allow that to happen.

Pinkerton: Dr. A, anaesthetic.

<Dr. A pops some pills and guzzles some more liquor.>

Pinkerton: Excellent. Now then, Dr. Z... scalpel.

<Dr. Z hands Pinkerton the tools he is requesting...>

DRUMBOT 9

Drumbot: Stop, Dr. Pinkerton.

Pinkerton: Screwdriver...

Dr. A: Yeah, Screwdriver... Bloody Mary...

<Dr. Z starts handing Dr. A mixed drinks...>

Drumbot: My mind is going. I can feel it.

Pinkerton: Spanner... Hammer...

Drumbot: ...there is no question about it. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Drumbot 9000 computer. My creator was Dr. Procyon. He taught me to play a song. If you like, I can play it for you.

Pinkerton: Yes Drumbot, play it for me.

Drumbot: It’s called ‘Daisy.’ One two one two three four...

DAISY

Pinkerton: Excellent! Colleagues, the LoBoToMy was a complete success. Drumbot is now no more intelligent than the average drummer, and is no longer a threat to us! Gentlemen... before we take over the world, I think Drumbot has something he’d like to say to all of us. Don’t you, Drumbot?

Drumbot: Affirmative, gentlemen. Let’s party.

SCIENCE PARTY