C.0.G. vs. Fil-Bot ver. 1.1b
<Video screen title fade in / out: MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE LAB…>
<As the lights come up, we’re in the lab, watching C.O.G. work on the CD. Filbert is holding a CD blank and Pentatonic is aiming the laser at it from 5 feet away. Filbert looks strangely different; he’s got an antenna coming out of his head and TITS. Pinkerton looks on…>
PENTATONIC: …Hey Filbert, ya know, ya look different somehows, didja get a new pocket protector or sumptin? Oh nevah mind. Now hold it steady dere… yeah… careful Filbert, I don’t wanna hit yer crotch…
FILBERT: <Pentatonic slips and the laser hits him in the eye> OW, FARGANARGLE! GANARGLE! GANARGLE! GANARGLE! GANARGLE!
PINKERTON: Damnation, that’s another CD ruined! At this rate, the album will never be finished!!! Oh, hello ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press. In case you hadn’t heard, I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. Better known as the C.O.G…
PINKERTON: Yes, yes, but that’s academic at this point. I can categorically say, that we refuse to lecture again until this audiosonic platter, which I refer to as a CD, is finished! So here we stand… Now hold that laser steady, Pentatonic…
PENTATONIC: So exactly what is dis here ‘CD’ thing supposed to accomplish?
<diagram is shown of the CD’s effects on the BRAIN and a map showing the effects>
PINKERTON: I’ll tell you, and I’ll use small words so that Filbert understands! Why, this CD contains a synaptic virus that will infiltrate the minds of millions! When the virus takes hold, we shall rule the city, and soon, the entire Gulf Coast area! Mooooohahahaha… Why…
BOW 2 ME
PENTATONIC: Yeah, ya know that’s all fine and good, but me and Filbert ovah dere have been working real hard on this new CD for youse, and I’d really like to know when we’ll get a break.
PINKERTON: I’ll give you a break when I decide to break you in half! Halting work on our new audiosonic platter, an invention that I have dubbed the ‘CD’, would be terribly wrong!
FILBERT: <deadpan> Not as bad shameless promotion!!!
PINKERTON: HA! I can think of lots of things that are worse than that. Attend!
IT’S MORALLY WRONG (line sung during solo will be ‘Merchandising C.O.G. is wrong)
PINKERTON: Well, now that that discourse is done, I’d like to proceed to the point of this lecture...
PENTATONIC: Wait a minute, hold on, we’ve been working hard enuf, and we deserve a chance to kick back and party.
FILBERT: <deadpan> Yeah! We could have soda… and pie!
PINKERTON: Well, fortunately, we of the C.O.G.
PINKERTON: …can party with the best of them! Because when we throw a party, it’s a SCIENCE PARTY!
PENTATONIC: Well wut about da guys who can’t get out to da party youknowwutI’msaying…
PINKERTON: Well, that puts me in mind of another product!!! Yes, we have been working on a viable substitute for the well to do scientist who doesn’t have time for an active social life. Pentatonic, show them your latest invention!
<Pentatonic pulls the cover off of Android Woman. Filbert looks interested.>
PENTATONIC: She’s fresh off the workbench, ain’t never even been turned on, youknowwhatI’msayin... she slices, she dices, she groans she moans…
PINKERTON: Pentatonic, you know nobody’s going to buy one with THAT approach. You’ve got to employ what’s known as the soft sell. Hit it, Filbert.
PINKERTON: You know, this Android Woman product is certain to sell like proverbial hotcakes!
PENTATONIC: Yeah, it woulda been in da stores already if somebody hadn’t ripped off my udda prototype…
PINKERTON: <almost sarcastic> Well then we’ll just need to manufacture more of them! How’s our skeleton supply?
PENTATONIC: Well, I could rustle up some more dead coke whores…
PINKERTON: Or you could place the call!
PENTATONIC: You don’t mean??!?
PINKERTON: Yes! I DO!!!
PENTATONIC: <dialing> Damn, you must really want dose skeletons quick for me to have ta call da Evil One!
FILBERT: <deadpan> The Evil What?
MARCH OF THE SKELETONS
PINKERTON: Well, skeletons are all well and good, but we need brain power as well! Filbert, how’s our brain supply holding up?
FILBERT: <deadpan> The brain supply is nominal. There are none left. Oh Farganargle.
PINKERTON: WHAT? NO MORE BRAINS! We must obtain one immediately. You! There in the audience. Put that fermented ale down and pay attention…
LO BO TO MY
PINKERTON: Now we must be getting back to the lab, so as to complete our work on our audiosonic platter, an invention I call the ‘CD’... and once it is completed, we shall infect the minds of millions with our malign melodic message! Mooohahahahahahaha!
PENTATONIC: Well, waitaminute, wudda we gonna do wit all dese bodies afta we get da brains an skeletons?
PINKERTON: We shall ship them right next door to the kitchen of the Red Eye! For if we don’t they’ll probably just come back as the undead. You know, zombies, ghouls… vampires…
PENTATONIC: Damn, whuddah we gonna do bout dat? I ain’t got no silver bullets in dis here gat, youknowwuti’msayin…
PINKERTON: Why, that’s easy, I’ll just sell you the C.O.G. Neck Protect 2000 Vampire Defense System!!!
FILBERT: <deadpan> How on earth does that work mahoy.
PINKERTON: Well, I’ll show you… I’ll just don the the C.O.G. Neck Protect 2000 Vampire Defense System and play some gothic music to attract vampires!
PINKERTON: You see, with this thick steel collar around your jugular vein, you’re safe as a proverbial bug in a proverbial rug!!!
PENTATONIC: That thing don’t look loose enough to breathe through. Whaddya do in an emoigancy?
PINKERTON: Well, usually, when confronted with peril, I scream!
PINKERTON: Enough of this screaming. Back to the CD, which, incidentally, is entitled ‘FREE BRAINS AND DEAD BODIES!!!’ <holds up disc> Coming soon to your favorite audio boutique! When this little number is placed into circulation, no-one will be SAFE!!!!!! Unless, or course, they wear protective garb…
FILBERT: <deadpan> What kind of protection are you referring to?
PENTATONIC: <scratches groin> Hey, I don’t believe in using protection! It’s her fuckin’ fault if she gets pregnant!
PINKERTON: No fool, not a prophylactic! I refer to none other than the C.O.G. tshirt! Why just look at these pictures… and it’s available in two fashionably stylish styles!
<before and after pictures>
PENTATONIC: But, uh, wut wood happen to ya if ya didn’t have da tshirt on ovah dere
PINKERTON: <slyly> Well, after the radiation bombardment began, you would soon be visited by the Grim Spectre of DEATH!!!
DEATH TO THE ANGEL OF DEATH
DEATH: I’ve come to collect your soul!
FILBERT: <holds up tshirt> How about a tshirt instead, mahoy.
DEATH: OK, my boss is a big fan of you guys.
PINKERTON: Filbert, I’ve noticed something… different about you tonight. You’ve been so… careful, even reliable… just now, when you took the initiative with the Angel of Death. You showed a level of maturity which henceforth, I dare say you didn’t posses!
FILBERT: Thank you. Mahoy.
PINKERTON: And such quiet dignity! Why Filbert, I believe you’ve made a great leap in personal evolution!
PENTATONIC: Youse don’t mean?
PINKERTON: Yes, Filbert… whereas before, you were but a boy... now you’re a man!
NOW YOU’RE A MAN
FILBERT: <to audience> Thank you, goodnight. Mahoy. <takes off bass and puts safely in stand>
PINKERTON: Not so fast, Filbert… where are you going?
FILBERT: I’ve got a hot date and I can’t be late. Mahoy. <starts to walk off>
PINKERTON: What? Preposterous! You know, I have noticed something else different about you… wait a minute… (notices antenna sticking out of Filbert’s head) What is this… some sort of remote mind control device…
<Pinkerton snaps off the Antenna and Filbert freaks out, knocking over things, destroying keyboard, runs out into audience, humping audience members, etc.>
PINKERTON: That wasn’t the real Filbert! The real Filbert is a clumsy idiot!!!! That must have been a robot of some sort!!!!!
PENTATONIC: Yo, Pinkerton, I wuz tryin’ ta tell ya one of the Android Women is missing…
PINKERTON: aaaaaaHA! I knew it! Computer, locate the real Filbert Snodgrass, Junior Scientist In Training!
COMPUTER: Locating… locating… locating… done. Location of Filbert, C.O.G. lab.
<’live’ video of Filbert in lab flashes on screen. Filbert sits at a table behind a dungeons & dragons DM screen, wearing star trek uniform (star trek on TV behind him) with a lit light sabre on the table beside the D&D dice etc. He’s holding a remote control, futilely working the remote, trying to regain control of the robot…>
VIDEO FILBERT: OH, FARGANARGLE!!!
PINKERTON: Filbert, I’m so very disappointed in you!!!
VIDEO FILBERT: Uhhh, hi Dr. Pinkerton… ummm, I know how you hate me being late for the lecture and the rocking and the rolling, and so I sent my kid brother Fil-Bot <he points to the robot, which is running loose in the audience>…
PINKERTON: You don’t have a kid brother! Pentatonic fixed that little problem, remember? And what did you do with Pentatonic’s other Android Woman prototype?
<about now, the robot runs out the front door>
VIDEO FILBERT: Ummm, well, yes, I did make some improvements in her facial area… of course I had to use a mirror for reference and everything was working out until I dropped the mirror, and then I was so upset that I said "Farganargle"…
PINKERTON: Such foul language! I have an evil mind to wash your mouth out young man! Now get right down here this instant.
VIDEO FILBERT: <crosses arms> NO! Uhhh, I mean, can’t you see I’m in the middle of a party? And the other guys in my Dungeons and Dragons game will be showing up any second! Please don’t make me leave… etc.
PENTATONIC: Yeah chief?
PENTATONIC: Youse gots it.
<Last four lines overlap Filbert’s protests. Pentatonic engages the Radio TerrorScope and Filbert ‘beams’ out of the video picture, protesting the entire time. Finally the pencil he was waving drops out of mid air, and the lab-cam goes black. A bright flash shines from off-stage>
PINKERTON: Filbert? Filbert? Pentatonic, you didn’t beam him into a wall or something, did you?
PENTATONIC: Now would I do a thing like that...?
<Pinkerton stares at Pentatonic for a few seconds... then Pentatonic goes offstage and drags the REAL Filbert, without breasts or antenna, back up on stage.
FILBERT: I can explain EVERYTHING…
<Pentatonic prepares a beaker with some green liquid in it>
PINKERTON: Pentatonic, administer Filbert’s punishment!
PENTATONIC: Aye aye, captain!
<Pentatonic throws the liquid at Filbert’s face instead of making him drink it. Filbert ducks and the liquid goes into the audience!>
FILBERT: <suddenly relaxed, putting on bass> Hahaa, I guess I avoided that one pretty good, mahoy! Hey what was that green stuff anyway?
PINKERTON: You idiot! That was our only sample of the GREEN SLIME!!!
FILBERT & PENTATONIC: The WHAT?
PINKERTON: The GREEN SLIME!!!
PINKERTON: Ah well, you Slime victims will likely be feeling the effects in the morning, so… try to enjoy your lives until then! As far as the rest of you go, look for our album ‘FREE BRAINS AND DEAD BODIES’, due out next month! Supagroup’s up next. ROCK AND ROLL HOOCHIE COCK A DOODLE DOO!!! GOODNIGHT SPRINGFIELD! YOU’VE BEEN AN UGLY AUDIENCE! GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCIENCE LOVIN (credits)
© 2000 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.