C.0.G. vs. Igor Kitty, ver 1.1b

CHRIS: Hello, welcome to the show. Weíre Igor Kitty. Justin, you ready?


CHRIS: You ready to play yet?


CHRIS: Thatís it. Guess what, dude, youíre fired!


CHRIS: Yeah, take your shit and leave! Uhhh, sorry ladies and gentlemen, weíre auditioning drummers tonight, so bear with us. Buhdussy.


<Justinís image falls out of frame and Drumbot tips up into view.>

CHRIS: Whaddya know how to play? You know ĎWhite Rabbití?


CHRIS: Alright, you know any of our stuff?


<After the song, Pinkerton and Pentatonic bust onto the stage brandishing a pistol and the Mezmoronic Ray>

PINKERTON: Alright, everybody be cool, this is a lecture!

PENTATONIC: Any of you douchebags move and Iíll Mezmerize every freaking last one of youse!

PINKERTON: Filbert, stop dawdling and get up here!

FILBERT: <offstage> But Dr. Pinkerton, this Chris fellow looks kind of familiarÖ

PINKERTON: I donít care if he looks exactly like you! Get up here so I can begin the lecture! HMPH! Between your negligence and DrumBot's moonlighting, I'm about at my wit's end. Now then, for those of you who havenít yet realized who we are, I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. Better known as the C.0.G.!!!!

All: C.0.G.!!!!

PINKERTON: Quite. Now we are serving notice, ladies and gentlemen, that in the future, these Ďmusical bands,í as you call them, will all be superfluous! I would like you now to turn to page 666 of your Necronomicons and join with me in prayer...


PINKERTON: So you see, Pentatonic, by establishing a new religion, based on the Consortium of Genius, we can gain tax exempt status and charitable donations, thus raising enough capital to quickly... take over the world!

FILBERT: But, Dr. Pinkerton, how can you possibly take over the world so quickly?

PINKERTON: Itís quite simple, really. I have discovered the secret to absolute power, a secret known only to the despotic, the insane, the megalomaniacal!! With this knowledge, NOTHING shall stand in my way!!!

PENTATONIC: So, whadda got Ďdere, Pinkerton? Some kinda ultimate weapon, or a magic spell, or sumpthiní?

PINKERTON: No, fool! Something far more devastating! MILK!!!


PINKERTON: Yes, milk! Donít let the smooth taste fool you! Why, some of the most insidious villains of all time have swilled milk!! ATTEND!!!


PENTATONIC: Datí pretty impressive, Pinkerton. I thought milk was just for strong teeth and bones.

PINKERTON: Oh, but it is!! And, thatís just another aspect to the pure, wholesome, homogenized evil of milk!! Because, once youíre finished with your skeleton, someone ELSE is sure to use it....


PENTATONIC: OK, so youse got power. But, youse gonna need an army to take on the world. How youse gonna do dat?

PINKERTON: Thatís easy!! Weíll use the Sonic Mind Probe!! Thatíll take care of that little problem!! As a matter of fact, we can start right now!! <to audience member> You!! Yes, you!! Get up here!! You see, Pentatonic, this machine is so simple, even Filbert can use it!!

PENTATONIC: But, Dr. Pinkerton, how are youse gonna get an army one person atta time?

PINKERTON: Hmmmmm... that IS a poser. AHA!! <to audience> Hey, kids!! Wanna try a neat science experiment? Then, just follow along!!


PINKERTON: (holding aloft the brain) See, Pentatonic? An army in no time!!

PENTATONIC: Ahhh, youse got lucky.

FILBERT: Umm, Dr. Pinkerton?

PINKERTON: Yes, Filbert?

FILBERT: I have the odd feeling weíve forgotten something.

PENTATONIC: Yeah, me too. Sumpthiní important, sumpthiní we really should be consoined about....

<The stage goes dark. On the viewscreen appears ĎMeanwhile...í and Igor Kitty sitting in a circle around a candle. Their hands are joined and Misty begins the incantation:>


Wind and storm, fire and rain

Pinkerton must lose his brain

Far beyond the present times

Itís time they suffer for their crimes

Now come thee from your future state

So COG will cease to cogitate!

<And they all start cackling evilly.... The lights come back on...>

PINKERTON: Now then, where was I?

Alien 1

ALIEN: Greetings, twentieth-century humans. I come from the future, bearing greetings from all sentient beings. You are Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton, III?


ALIEN: You have been tried and convicted in the future of misuse of your primative brain! I have been sent to confiscate it!

PINKERTON: What, my brain?


ALIEN: Yes, hand over your brain... If you donít MIND!

PINKERTON: The brain, did you say?


PINKERTON: <searching pockets> Now then, my brain... where did I put it...

PENTATONIC: Iíve got yer brain right here!

<Pentatonic slips the BOMB into the cake box and hands it to the Alien>

PENTATONIC: Happy birthday, you thing from another world, youse!

ALIEN: My work here is finished. I can now return to my proper time!

<Alien walks off stage...>


FILBERT: Did you say "birthday"? Oh, boy!! LETíS PARTY!!


PINKERTON: ENOUGH!! Enough of this tomfoolery!! We have a planet to take over, speeches to write, statues to commission...

<...trails off as stage goes dark... Igor Kitty appears on video as before.>


Darkness falls across the land

The midnight hour is close at hand

Now call a creature of the night

We summon thee to set things right

And venture forth to take a bite

From those who would steal our spotlight...

MELISSA: <points> Behold! The vampire cometh!

<The lights come back on as the song starts.>


<The bright stage lights cause the vampire to back away off stage>

FILBERT: That was scary.

PENTATONIC: Looks like somebody forgot to wear their Ray-Bans, heh, heh...

FILBERT: Doctor Pinkerton, is sucking blood wrong?

PINKERTON: Yes, Filbert, it is wrong, TERRIBLY wrong, but people do wrong things all the

time. Observe!!


PINKERTON: Well, that takes care of that!! Nothing shall stand in our way!!

<Both Filbert and Pentatonic remove their instruments. Filbert grabs the Mezmoronic Ray and puts the Brain Helmet attachment on it. Pentatonic starts polishing a gun.>

FILBERT: Doctor, look at my new invention!

PINKERTON: Filbert, not now! Canít you see Iím busy with more important things!

FILBERT: But Doctor Pinkerton, the Brain Transplant works now! And itís so simple to use...

PINKERTON: Iím ignoring you...

FILBERT: <puts brain helmet on and aims gun at Pentatonic> You just pull the trigger and instantly...


FILBERT: What the freak? Hey, uh, Pinkerton, look at what that douchebag did to me!

PENTATONIC: It worked! My second successful invention!

PINKERTON: You idiots! How are we going to take over the world now? Wait a minute... that sound... Sounds... familiar...

<The stage goes dark yet again. The image of Igor Kitty appears... Pinkerton and the other two whirl around to face the screen>


Two times we failed but weíll succeed

The Angel of Death is who we need

Now come thee forth, invade the stage

To give an answer to our rage

And let this awful lecture cease

Once Doctor Pinkerton is deceased!

<The C.0.G. have been watching the screen this time... Pinkerton raises his fist and yells...>

PINKERTON: HAH!! Do you think that alarms us?!? Death can be dealt with.... even with mismatched brains! Pentatonic, bring out the heavy metal artillery!

<The two head for opposite sides of the stage and grab each otherís guitars>


DEATH: (takes off cloak and sheís the Sandman version of Death) Doctor Pinkerton, I have come to take you away...

PINKERTON: Hmmm, well since you put it THAT way, perhaps death really wouldnít be all that bad...

PENTATONIC: Pinkerton!

PINKERTON: Hmmm, yess?


<And he shoots Death, who doesnít fall down, but moves over to Pentatonic to give him a stern talking to. When the song ends...>

PENTATONIC: Hey baby, what are you doing after the lecture?

DEATH: I dunno, kill a few people, maybe... why?

<And the two move towards the wings. Pinkerton and Filbert follow>

PINKERTON: Wait! Come back! How are we going to take over the world now?


<If an encore is warranted, Pinkerton and the rest walk back on stage>

PINKERTON: You know, Deathís not such a bad anthropomorphic personification of a metaphysical conceptualization once you get to know her.

PENTATONIC: Yeah, and it was really neat when she started talking about the good old days; the REALLY old days...

PINKERTON: You mean, the squalor of the latter half of the tenth century?


© 1999 The Consortium of Genius.  All Rights Reserved.