C.O.G. vs. The Gutterpunks ver. 1.0 8/2/2000
PINKERTON:My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press! I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus PINKERTON III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius... that group you all know and loathe as the C.O.G.!!!
PINKERTON: Quite. Now then, when last we lectured, we informed you, warned you of our recent progress in the field of WORLD DOMINATION. Already, our plans are nearing completion! As we speak, the huge vats of green slime silently stand waiting along the banks of the mighty Mississippi... our lab has been sealed off to prevent intrusion, the security robot detail has been doubled... why, there is only one thing left that might slow us down!!!
PENTATONIC: Yeah, Iíve been meaning to say something about that. Filbert, when in hell is my SG gonna be finished?!?
PINKERTON: Silence, Pentatonic! Our plan will not be curtailed by the lack of one six-stringed electrical tone generator. Why, you have 17 others to choose from!
FILBERT: Then what could stop us?
<screen flashes pictures of Sid Vicious, Lee Ving, the Bullies, Converts, etc...>
PINKERTON: Punks, Filbert - fresh from the gutter! You see, these homeless vermin have a nasty habit of crawling into the machinery and using the electrical insulation to keep warm! Once we eliminate them, we can concentrate on - the Future!
Bow 2 Me
PINKERTON: Yes, as I was saying... these gutter punks are a scourge upon the face of the nation! They must be - exterminated! EXTERMINATED, do you hear me! EX TER MI NATE!!!
<Filbert tries to snap Pinkerton out of his tirade>
FILBERT: But Dr. Pinkerton, theyíre people just like us...
PINKERTON: Theyíre PESTS! They donít bathe, they have bad hygiene, theyíre all hooked on phonics, and they donít drink enough MILK!!! Why, just think of all the great leaders who have strengthened their minds with MILK...
PENTATONIC: Datí pretty impressive, Pinkerton. I thought milk was just for strong teeth and bones.
PINKERTON: Oh, but it is!! And, thatís just another aspect to the pure, wholesome, homogenized evil of milk!! Because, once youíre finished with your skeleton, someone ELSE is sure to use it....
March of the Skeletons
PINKERTON: Skeletons, Filbert - all these gutter punks should be skeletonized immediately!
PENTATONIC: Yeah, we saw some of them on the way in... they were lookiní pretty emaciated already...
PINKERTON: Really? Describe them please.
FILBERT: They had white pasty faces...
PINKERTON: Like computer geeks?
PENTATONIC: Yeah, but they were dressed all in black...
FILBERT: They said they didnít know where to go since they closed the Crystal.
PINKERTON: Oh, those arenít gutterpunks! Those are GOTHS! Theyíre harmless upper middle class high-schoolers, lost in their little fantasy world... Kick those cowering curs out of your way, theyíre too weak to stop us.
PENTATONIC: Yeah, they can bite me!
PINKERTON: Enough of this goth talk. It is time to deal with the gutterpunk infestation once and for all!
PENTATONIC: So how we gonna wipe out all these jerks?
PINKERTON: Simple... weíll give them free ice cream!
FILBERT: Ice cream? Can I have some?!??
PINKERTON: Sure Filbert... itís your favorite flavor... ARSENIC!
PENTATONIC: Poisoning them all would take way too much ice cream. I gotta better idea. Lemme call up an old friend, he owes me.
<pulls out cel phone, dials 1-800-YUR-DEAD>
death phone call
<death appears on Ďvideophoneí>
DEATH: <genial voice> Hello, this is the underworld, death speaking. How may I hurt you?
PENTATONIC: Yo D! I gotta little favor to ask ya.
DEATH: Ah, Pentatonic! Itís been a month of Sundays. Howís Keneetra?
PENTATONIC: Neva mind that right now, say, Ďs there any way you could spare some room down there for a few thousand gutterpunks? We need this done in a hurry.
DEATH: Oh, now Pentatonic, you know this place is already overcrowded as it is! I canít just go rounding people up and bringing them down here... theyíve gotta be dead first!
<PINKERTON grabs phone>
PINKERTON: Give me that! Hello, Mr. Death or whatever your name is... Youíd best do as Dr. Pentatonic says! Iíve seen him shoot a man just for snoring too loud!
DEATH: I donít want to dirty my hands with this. Get the Evil One to do it! *click*
<phone call cuts off>
PINKERTON: Looks like weíre gonna have to take out a contract on Death!
<during middle of song, death appears on screen>
DEATH: <holding giftwrapped box> Why Dr. Pinkerton, how thoughtful of you. A nice present. All is forgiven.
PINKERTON: Just wait till you see whatís inside!
DEATH: <opening box> I can hardly wait...
END OF SONG ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PINKERTON: Now that THATís out of the way, we need some major league help. Fortunately, Iíve been saving this number for just such an occasion...
<dials 1-666-666-6666. Evil One appears on screen.>
PINKERTON: Hello! Perhaps youíve heard of me. Iím Dr. Pinkerton and youíre not! And Iíve got a little chore for you to do for me...
THE EVIL ONE: Heh heh heh heh heh...
FILBERT: Dr. Pinkerton, Iím scared...
PENTATONIC: Yeah Pinkerton, Iím not sure this is such a good idea...
PINKERTON: <ignoring the others> Are you listening to me?!? These gutterpunks, I want them all removed do you understand? And try to do it as quickly and painfully as possible!
THE EVIL ONE: <glares at him. pause.> Heh heh heh heh heh...
PINKERTON: Go now, do it! You know you want to.
THE EVIL ONE: <fading out> Heh heh heh heh heh...
PINKERTON: Thatís the way you have to deal with these so-called authority figures, Filbert! Intimidation is the only thing that works. If old evil eyes there doesnít come through, Iíll just send you down there to rough him up!
FILBERT: <shaken by the presence of such evil> But isnít dealing with the Evil One morally wrong?
PINKERTON: Ah, Filbert, Filbert... FILBERT! Of course itís wrong, TERRIBLY wrong... but then, people do wrong things all the time. Observe.
FILBERT: <removing bass> I think we should leave before something bad happens...
PENTATONIC: <removing guitar> Uh, for once, Filbertís right Pinkerton, I think weíd better...
evil appears - <Death and the Evil One appear on the screen, laughing, thunder rumbling in background... Filbert makes for the back of the club, through the crowd>
FILBERT: Outta my way, I think Iím gonna pee!
PINKERTON: <annoyed> What do you two want now?
PENTATONIC: Uhhh, D, old buddy I can explain... it wasnít me, it was him!
<death stretches out scythe at Pentatonic, who clutches at heart, Evil One shoots beams from eyes at Pinkerton. Both die and fall behind the curtain. Then Death and Evil One recede into distance, as we fade up on a red mesa in the middle of HELL. Pinkerton and Pentatonic are standing atop the mesa as flames dance higher and higher, all around them.>
PINKERTON: Keep trying that cel phone, Pentatonic...
PENTATONIC: <sarcastic> Uhhh, yeah. Sure. Right. No problem. <under his breath> Dipshit...
PINKERTON: <shaking fist> This is another fine mess youíve gotten us into Filbert... FILBERT... <loses it> FILBERT!!! <echoes as we pull back and fade into blackness>
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