PINKERTON: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press! I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus PINKERTON III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius... that group you all know and loathe as the C.O.G.!!!

ALL: C.O.G.!!!

PINKERTON: Quite. Now then, when last we lectured, we informed you, warned you of our recent progress in the field of WORLD DOMINATION. Already, our plans are nearing completion! As we speak, the huge vats of green slime silently stand waiting along the banks of the mighty Mississippi... our lab has been sealed off to prevent intrusion, the security robot detail has been doubled... why, there is only one thing left that might slow us down!!!

PENTATONIC: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to say something about that. Filbert, when in hell is my SG gonna be finished?!?

PINKERTON: Silence, Pentatonic! Our plan will not be curtailed by the lack of one six-stringed electrical tone generator. Why, you have 17 others to choose from!

FILBERT: Then what could stop us?

<screen flashes pictures of Sid Vicious, Lee Ving, the Bullies, Converts, etc...>

PINKERTON: Punks, Filbert - fresh from the gutter! You see, these homeless vermin have a nasty habit of crawling into the machinery and using the electrical insulation to keep warm! Once we eliminate them, we can concentrate on - the Future!

PINKERTON: Yes, as I was saying... these gutter punks are a scourge upon the face of the nation! They must be - exterminated! EXTERMINATED, do you hear me! EX TER MI NATE!!!

<Filbert tries to snap Pinkerton out of his tirade>

FILBERT: But Dr. Pinkerton, they’re people just like us...

PINKERTON: They’re PESTS! They don’t bathe, they have bad hygiene, they’re all hooked on phonics, and they don’t drink enough MILK!!! Why, just think of all the great leaders who have strengthened their minds with MILK...

PENTATONIC: Dat’ pretty impressive, Pinkerton. I thought milk was just for strong teeth and bones.

PINKERTON: Oh, but it is!! And, that’s just another aspect to the pure, wholesome, homogenized evil of milk!! Because, once you’re finished with your skeleton, someone ELSE is sure to use it....

PINKERTON: Skeletons, Filbert - all these gutter punks should be skeletonized immediately!

PENTATONIC: Yeah, we saw some of them on the way in... they were lookin’ pretty emaciated already...

PINKERTON: Really? Describe them please.

FILBERT: They had white pasty faces...

PINKERTON: Like computer geeks?

PENTATONIC: Yeah, but they were dressed all in black...

FILBERT: They said they didn’t know where to go since they closed the Crystal.

PINKERTON: Oh, those aren’t gutterpunks! Those are GOTHS! They’re harmless upper middle class high-schoolers, lost in their little fantasy world... Kick those cowering curs out of your way, they’re too weak to stop us.

PENTATONIC: Yeah, they can bite me!

PINKERTON: Enough of this goth talk. It is time to deal with the gutterpunk infestation once and for all!

PENTATONIC: So how we gonna wipe out all these jerks?

PINKERTON: Simple... we’ll give them free ice cream!

FILBERT: Ice cream? Can I have some?!??

PINKERTON: Sure Filbert... it’s your favorite flavor... ARSENIC!

PENTATONIC: Poisoning them all would take way too much ice cream. I gotta better idea. Lemme call up an old friend, he owes me.

<pulls out cel phone, dials 1-800-YUR-DEAD>

<death appears on ‘videophone’>

DEATH: <genial voice> Hello, this is the underworld, death speaking. How may I hurt you?

PENTATONIC: Yo D! I gotta little favor to ask ya.

DEATH: Ah, Pentatonic! It’s been a month of Sundays. How’s Keneetra?

PENTATONIC: Neva mind that right now, say, ‘s there any way you could spare some room down there for a few thousand gutterpunks? We need this done in a hurry.

DEATH: Oh, now Pentatonic, you know this place is already overcrowded as it is! I can’t just go rounding people up and bringing them down here... they’ve gotta be dead first!

<PINKERTON grabs phone>

PINKERTON: Give me that! Hello, Mr. Death or whatever your name is... You’d best do as Dr. Pentatonic says! I’ve seen him shoot a man just for snoring too loud!

DEATH: I don’t want to dirty my hands with this. Get the Evil One to do it! *click*

<phone call cuts off>

PINKERTON: Looks like we’re gonna have to take out a contract on Death!

<during middle of song, death appears on screen>

DEATH: <holding giftwrapped box> Why Dr. Pinkerton, how thoughtful of you. A nice present. All is forgiven.

PINKERTON: Just wait till you see what’s inside!

DEATH: <opening box> I can hardly wait...

<BOOM>

END OF SONG ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PINKERTON: Now that THAT’s out of the way, we need some major league help. Fortunately, I’ve been saving this number for just such an occasion...

<dials 1-666-666-6666. Evil One appears on screen.>

PINKERTON: Hello! Perhaps you’ve heard of me. I’m Dr. Pinkerton and you’re not! And I’ve got a little chore for you to do for me...

THE EVIL ONE: Heh heh heh heh heh...

FILBERT: Dr. Pinkerton, I’m scared...

PENTATONIC: Yeah Pinkerton, I’m not sure this is such a good idea...

PINKERTON: <ignoring the others> Are you listening to me?!? These gutterpunks, I want them all removed do you understand? And try to do it as quickly and painfully as possible!

THE EVIL ONE: <glares at him. pause.> Heh heh heh heh heh...

PINKERTON: Go now, do it! You know you want to.

THE EVIL ONE: <fading out> Heh heh heh heh heh...

PINKERTON: That’s the way you have to deal with these so-called authority figures, Filbert! Intimidation is the only thing that works. If old evil eyes there doesn’t come through, I’ll just send you down there to rough him up!

FILBERT: <shaken by the presence of such evil> But isn’t dealing with the Evil One morally wrong?

PINKERTON: Ah, Filbert, Filbert... FILBERT! Of course it’s wrong, TERRIBLY wrong... but then, people do wrong things all the time. Observe.

FILBERT: <removing bass> I think we should leave before something bad happens...

PENTATONIC: <removing guitar> Uh, for once, Filbert’s right Pinkerton, I think we’d better...

evil appears - <Death and the Evil One appear on the screen, laughing, thunder rumbling in background... Filbert makes for the back of the club, through the crowd>

FILBERT: Outta my way, I think I’m gonna pee!

PINKERTON: <annoyed> What do you two want now?

PENTATONIC: Uhhh, D, old buddy I can explain... it wasn’t me, it was him!

<death stretches out scythe at Pentatonic, who clutches at heart, Evil One shoots beams from eyes at Pinkerton. Both die and fall behind the curtain. Then Death and Evil One recede into distance, as we fade up on a red mesa in the middle of HELL. Pinkerton and Pentatonic are standing atop the mesa as flames dance higher and higher, all around them.>

PINKERTON: Keep trying that cel phone, Pentatonic...

PENTATONIC: <sarcastic> Uhhh, yeah. Sure. Right. No problem. <under his breath> Dipshit...

PINKERTON: <shaking fist> This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into Filbert... FILBERT... <loses it> FILBERT!!! <echoes as we pull back and fade into blackness>