C.O.G.busters - ver. 1.210/28/04
Drumbot: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight's symposium. I am Drumbot, your friendly neighborhood artificial cybernetic percussion organism. But you can call me Drumbot! I am here to introduce to you all three of the most evil humans to ever walk the earth. The Consortium of Genius, better known as the COG! Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Z!
song starts. Each band member comes out playing, at appropriate time. Drumbot continues intro.
Dr. A! And the leader of the COG, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton, III!
Pinkerton: Bad evening ladies and gentlemen! Allow me to introduce myself, for soon, my name will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius...
Dr. A.: Uhhh, Dr. Pinkerton,
Pinkerton: What is it, Dr. A? Can't you see I'm in the middle of an important lecture?
Dr. A: It's just that Drumbot already told them about that...
Pinkerton: Dr. A, you LOUT, let me make something clear to you. It is I who have the power, not you. And once I take over the world, the populace of the earth will bow, not to YOU, but to ME.
Pinkerton: Ahh, yes, the future. Who can calculate it? Well, YOU can, but only if you possess the Pocket COG-Q-LATOR. Everybody get them out, NOW. WHAT? You don't possess a COG-Q-LATOR? You'd better buy one!!! For if you don't, you will be defenseless when I conquer Earth with my new invention... the GIANT KILLER ROBOT!
Dr. Z: Uhhh, yeah, I've been meaning to ask, how far along is that stupid thing?
Pinkerton: It's not stupid, Dr. Z, merely mindless, not unlike Dr. A over there! Anyway, it was most perspicatious of you to ask, Dr. Z. It's nearly completely complete, except for the head. Observe.
Pinkerton presses a remote control button.
Computer: Lab-cam activated.
A picture appears on the back screen - a view of the COG hanger, where the Flying Car is usually parked. A GIANT headless ROBOT stands in the middle of the hanger, in shadow. The lights come on, revealing a shiny metal body.
In the top of the picture, a floating apparition (with a guitar) appears. Pinkerton continues droning on about the robot, but doesn't even get to the schematic of the robot when the ghost flies up to the screen and says...
Yngwie Flattstein: (in a spooky voice) Doctor A...
Dr. Z: (pointing) Oh great Vishnu, a ghost!
Dr. A doesn't seem to notice.
Yngwie: Dr. A, you killed me back in 1987 AND 1988, and now I'm back as your metalest nightmare!
Dr. A starts to pay attention to the apparition... glances at his beverage
Dr. A: Whoa, what's in this stuff? I must be hallucinating!
Dr. Z: It's a ghost, Dr. Pinkerton! Our lab is haunted!
Pinkerton: A GHOST? In the proverbial machine? Preposterous! A computer glitch, no doubt! Computer, screen off!
Yngwie: No wait a minute!
CLICK! The screen blinks off
Pinkerton: Now then, once we get the robot's metaphorical HEAD together, we shall use it to utterly annihilate the old order... and then arise from the proverbial ashes to RULE A NEW WORLD! But first, we must destroy all the old things...
Pinkerton: Such lovely destruction... it pleases me to think of it! Of course, that still lies in the realm of the FUTURE. First we must complete the giant robot, and we will also need to procure a suitable BRAIN to place in it... Dr. A, have you seen the brain?
Dr. A: I ain't seen the brain.
Pinkerton: Where's that confounded brain? Dr. Z, what about you?
Dr. Z: Maybe if you described it...
Pinkerton: Perhaps we shall have to get the assistance of a fresh mind on this little brain quandry. Fetch, the Sonic Mind Probe! And Dr. Z, kindly procure for me some fresh meat from the audience!
The Lobotomy procedure is interrupted by the appearance of another specter... it's the ghost of Lab Girl IV. She hovers for about 20 seconds looking down on the scientists in their consternation.
Pinkerton: Oh dear... something seems to have happened to the equipment. Now hold still, don't move, and you'll be alright. Dr. Z... prepare the injection, while I locate the source of the problem.
Pinkerton traces the electrical cord from the Sonic Mind Probe up to the back screen, where the ghost of Lab Girl IV hovers, holding the plug end of the power cord in her hand.
Lab Girl IV: Looking for this, Dr. Pinkerton?
Pinkerton: WHAT? How dare you steal our power! Wait a moment, I remember you! Lab Girl IV, if I'm not mistaken!
Lab Girl IV: How very observant of you, Dr. Pinkerton!
Pinkerton: Wait a moment, didn't you die in a horrible lab accident a couple years ago?
Lab Girl IV: Yes, well that's why I'm here. On behalf of the Recently Deceased Lab Assistants of America, I'm here to protest the unsafe working conditions in the C.O.G. Lab!
Z: What? The lab's unsafe?
Pinkerton: Pay no attention to her, Dr. Z, she didn't die in a scientific mishap, if that's what you were wondering.
Lab Girl IV: Well, see that's what I was trying to warn you of... you must watch out for the...
Dr. A: Wait a minute, I must have missed that episode. WHAT did she die of?
Lab Girl: If you'd just let me get a word in edgeways, I'd...
Pinkerton: If I recall the incident correctly, she was skeletonized by a third level ska demon!
Lab Girl: (fed up) OK, fine. Don't listen to me. Go ahead, get killed, see if I care!
disgusted, she throws down the cord, shoots the bird at the C.O.G. and dematerializes
Dr. Payne: Wait a minute, I'm not dead, am I?
Dr. A: Dead as my liver, Dr. Payne!
Dr. Z: A ska demon? I myself have heard of no such thing.
Pinkerton: Let me tell you how it happened...
A figure flaps into view in front of the COG logo. It's Filbert's head, with bat wings!
Filbert: <faux scary voice> Booooo! I'm a ghost! I vant to bite your blood! Blaaah!
Pinkerton: Filbert! You're not a ghost, you idiot, I know for a fact you're still alive. What are you doing up there, anyway?!?? Weren't you abducted by aliens almost three years ago?
Dr. Z: Well I didn't...
Pinkerton: Now get right down here and explain yourself!
Filbert: Oops. Uhhh... well I... whoops
Filbert falls from the screen and a loud crash is heard. He emerges from behind the screen
Pinkerton: Now Filbert, I believe you have some explaining to do.
Filbert: Well, yes, uhhh, well, I WAS abducted by aliens, but you see, they turned out to be vampire aliens. With the fangs and the spaceships and the blood and the phasers and such.
Pinkerton: Your vampire aliens can bite me!
Pinkerton: Now then, as I AM a doctor, Filbert, for your condition, I usually prescribe asprin and lots of rest. But in your case, I'm going to give you these garlic capsules!
Filbert: Blah, garlic! Hey get that away from me, I'm an undead vampire with the fangs and the biting and the bats! Blah!
Filbert runs off, knocking something over and bumping into people
Dr. Z: Garlic capsules? Where did you get those?
Pinkerton: That wasn't real garlic you know. I just wanted to get rid of him. Anyway, it was merely a placebo.
Pinkerton: Now then. It's high time that
Dr. A: You're damn right it's time to get high. I'll be at the bar.
Pinkerton: NO, I mean, it's ABOUT time that we got away from these supernatural shenanigans and got back to the real science by finishing the C.O.G. Robot Army Prototype.
<In front of the C.O.G. logo, a familiar looking skeleton arises!>
Filthy: Ahhhhh... hello there ladies and gentlemen.
Dr. Z: Ohhh, Dr. Pinkerton, I do believe you made a mistake in reading from this book. You've created a talking skeleton!
Filthy: Where's that stinkin' Snodgrass?
Pinkerton: What a cute little fellow. Now what are you supposed to have died from anyway?
Filthy: The... The Black Plague
Everybody: THE BLACK PLAGUE?
Pinkerton: This continuing spectral intrusion is certainly trying my patience.
Dr. Z: I thought you said there was no such thing as ghosts!
Pinkerton: Silence Dr. Z! Now then, I believe it is time to take command of the situation. Gentlemen, you are undoubtably familiar with the concept of the dust-buster. A device for sucking up dust. Well, I believe it is time for me to introduce my newest invention.
Dr. A: Does it suck?
Pinkerton: It most certainly does suck. It is my priviledge, in association with the 'Hoover' corporation, to introduce to you all, the GhostBuster. It should be able to interface directly to your multistringed electrical resonator.
Dr. Z: Looks dangerous. Has it been tested?
Pinkerton: No, but we can test it right away. Before we apply my new invention to our little ghost problem, I believe we should try it out on an old supernatural friend of ours.
Dr. A: You don't mean...
Pinkerton: Yes, The Angel of Death!
In the middle of the song, death appears and gets sucked into the Ghost Buster by Pinkerton. (If we release him at the end of the song, maybe we can sing 'The Angel of Death is Back'.)
Pinkerton: Now then, it is time for us to bust some heads. In a spiritual sense, of course. Computer! Activate the laboratory viewscreen.
END VIDEO 1
The screen flicks on, showing the silhouetted robot surrounded by flying ghosts, flying back and forth all around the room.
Pinkerton: Now then. Attention all spectral interlopers!
The ghosts all stop and hover.
Pinkerton: As a duly designated representative of the city of New Orleans, I hereby order you to cease and desist all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your places of origin, or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
The ghosts all point and laugh at Pinkerton.
Pinkerton: It's not working. Computer! Screen off! Gentlemen, this calls for drastic action. I will return to the laboratory and put the trap down. You two charge up your proton packs. Oh, and one last thing. Don't cross the streams. It would be bad.
Dr. A: I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. Whaddya mean bad?
Pinkerton: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr. Z: Total protonic reversal!
Dr. A: OK, important safety tip. Thanks Pinkerton.
Pinkerton: See you on the other side, gentlemen!
END VIDEO 2
Pinkerton leaves the stage. The words 'Incoming Call' appear on the back screen. The screen flashes to life. Pinkerton is close up to the screen. Ghosts fly around overhead.
Pinkerton: I'm back at the lab now. I've got the trap set. Don't look directly into the trap, and whatever you do, DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS. Got it? Good. Now go to it!
The guys activate their proton packs and, using their guitars as guns, begin spraying the room on the viewscreen with plasma, causing small explosions and incinerating various parts of lab equipment. Pinkerton yells out
Pinkerton: I'm opening the trap now! Don't look directly into the trap!
Dr. Z: I looked at the trap, Pinkerton!
The guys manage to get their beams tangled. Behind Pinkerton, the eyes of the silhouetted form glow red.
Pinkerton: Annnndddddd.... NOW!
The guys deactivate their guns. Pinkerton walks over and picks up the trap.
The lights come on. The robot has been replaced by the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Pinkerton: Now that wasn't such a chore now was it?
Dr. Z: Look out Dr. Pinkerton!
The Pillsbury Dough Boy jumps up in the air and lands on Pinkerton with a resounding squishy splat.
Dr. A: Oh well, that wraps that up. Nothing left but for us to get drunky.
Dr. Z: And I can now get funky!
Pinkerton reappears covered with cookie dough! Encores presumably follow...
© 2004 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.