A COG-work Elvis ver. 1.0 9/13/08

NOTE: ‘MISSING' posters with Lab Girl Elsa's face on them are posted around the room before the lecture begins.



CU on Pinkerton's face. Camera pulls out to reveal Pinkerton sitting there drinking MILK, flanked by Dr.'s Z and Rachnid. Android Women in various poses decorate the room.

Pinkerton (VO): There was me, that is Dr. Pinkerton, and my two colleagues, that is Dr.'s A and Rachnid, and we sat in the C.O.G. Secret Lab trying to make up our craniums what to do with the evening. MILK was what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-science.

Dr. Z: Hey Dr. Pinkerton, I got the Time Door partially working ... should be good for maybe 50 years or so in either direction.

Pinkerton throws his milk glass to the floor

Pinkerton: That's it then! I've got it! Gentlemen, go forward in time 50 years and get me the most violent, depraved, insane individual that you can find.

The guys enter the Time Door, which dematerializes

drumbot: Alright, I know that look. What the hell are you doing this time Dr. Pinkerton?

Pinkerton: I'm glad you asked, drumbot! This plan is perfection given form! Finally, I shall have my revenge on all those brainless boneheads at the Antigravity Institute who marginalized my achivements! All we need to do is intercept Elvis Presley in the year 1958, which I have computed as the nexus point of rock and roll, and exchange him for a deranged criminal...

drumbot: Sheesh, forget I asked...

Drumbot rolls off

Pinkerton: <sotto> You'll be crawling back once your battery runs low...

The Time Door rematerializes

Pinkerton: Ahhh, gentlemen! What have you brought me here?

Z: This is the most ultra-violent individual we could find.

Rachnid: We found him at a Milk bar, beating up innocent people while listening to Beethoven.

Pinkerton: Beethoven eh? Humph, the very antithesis of rock!

Alex: says something

Pinkerton: Is that so?! Rachnid, put the Elvisator helmet on him quickly, I can't understand a WORD that he's saying...


Alex: Whoa where am I? Is that you Col. Parker? Looks like I'm far from Graceland etc.

Pinkerton: Excellent! Once the Ludovico treatment is complete, gentlemen, I... I mean WE, shall REWRITE MUSICAL HISTORY!

Z: Do you want us to bring him back to 1958 and swap him with Elvis now?

Pinkerton: No, idiot! No half-measures this time... my plan must be executed with Clockwork precision! First, we must complete his re-education. Colleagues, escort the King to his palace! Mwahahahahahahahaha




CLOCKWORK ELVIS completes their set, with Pinkerton in the wings, taking notes on a clipboard. At the end of their set, Pinkerton emerges...

Pinkerton: Excellent! You've done quite well, young man. I do believe my little experiment has reached the zenith of its apogee!

Alex-Presley: You lookin' for trouble? Don't make me use my karate on you!

Pinkerton: On the contrary! Gentlemen, apprehend this ruffian!


Pinkerton: Now then, set the controls for 1958! The "day the music died" is coming early this year! Mwahahahahaha

Rachnid: I think you're confusing your rock and roll history, Dr. Pinkerton

Pinkerton: Silence! Now then, activate the TIME DOOR!


Pinkerton: Excellent! And now, ladies and gentlemen, I return you temporarily to your regularly scheduled pabulum! Drink up and prepare your puny minds, for when we return, we shall rewrite rock and roll history as you know it! But first, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Spackle McCrackle.


Spackle McCrackle intros COG here during ‘Krakatoa'


Pinkerton: Greetings my fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press! Thank you for attending tonight's lecture... for it is our 100th lecture! And for this blessed occasion, I have decided to ERASE ROCK HISTORY and substitute our OWN music, and nobody can stop me! What do you think of that?!??

SHILL: Why, wouldn't that be morally wrong?

Pinkerton: I'll tell YOU what's morally wrong!!!


Pinkerton: Now that we're clear on the whole issue of morality, I believe we can proceed with my conquest of the charts. The photographer for Rolling Stone magazine should be along any moment now. In fact, I had my lab coat starched and pressed just for this occasion!

Rachnid: Uhhh, Dr. Pinkerton, I don't think Dr. Z's labcoat is clean enough for the picture.

Pinkerton: What?! Excuse me for a moment ladies and gentlemen.

Pinkerton moves over to Z and starts arguing with him off-mic. Trixie, who has been edging onto the stage from the wings, bursts onto the stage yelling:

Trixie: Lab coats! Get your clean, pressed lab coats!

Z: Why hello young lady! Who are you?

Pinkerton: Let me handle this! Hello young lady, who are you?

Trixie: <ignoring Pinkerton> Hi, I'm nurse Trixie De Havilland, I represent the Cleanpressed Labcoat Company of Walla Walla Washington, and YOU look like you could use a fresh lab coat!

Z: But my lab coat IS fresh... funky fresh!

Pinkerton: Shut your curry hole Dr. Z, and let her elucidate!


Pinkerton: Well, young lady, that all sounds quite convincing. And what are your qualifications?

Trixie: <bragging> Well, I have a phd in chrono-historical rearrangement with a minor in the delicate art of assasination and...

Pinkerton: Excellent! You're hired! You can start work immediately when we get back to the lab by cleaning up the mess.

Rachnid: You mean the remains of Lab Girl #5 or the mess from the fight?

Pinkerton: Why, the fight of course! Remember...


Z: Dr. Rachnid, how do you KNOW those remains were from Lab Girl?

Rachnid: Don't look at me, I didn't kill her!

Pinkerton: Quiet you fool! Don't scare off our new assistant before she's locked in the lab!!

Pinkerton, Z and Rachnid argue while Trixie opens her compact. Lab Girl Elsa appears on the screen.

Trixie <sotto>: Control, I'm in!

Elsa: Good work Trixie. I'll relay instructions on a secure channel once you're back at the Secret Lab. Don't kill him... yet.

Trixie <disappointed>: Affirmative.

Z: Who were you talking to Nurse Trixie?

Trixie: Uhhhh, look Dr. Z, here comes the photographer!

A photographer comes out. Everybody poses while the picture is snapped.

Pinkerton: Yow, I've been blinded!


The magazine, which also appears onscreen, is delivered to Pinkerton by a delivery man on a scooter.

Delivery Man: Special delivery for Dr. Pinkerton

Pinkerton: Excellent! Behold ladies and gentlemen! We now have total control of rock and roll history!

The screen shows the cover shot. It's ‘Rolling Gear' magazine instead of Rolling Stone.

Pinkerton: Excellent! Music history is already starting to dissolve! Dr. Z! Activate drumbot's emcee mode! Let's make some hits!

Drumbot: No wait, don't do this to me... I hate it when you

Dr. Z presses a button on the back of the emcee.

Drumbot: Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna take you back to 1981 with that #1 R&B hit by the Consortium of Genius that answers the question ‘Why Do We Do It'!



Pinkerton: What is this? Who activated my Time Door?!

Holmes and Watson emerge from the Time Door.

Watson: Excuse me sir, I'm Dr. Watson the 5th, and this is the great great great great great great grandson of the world's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes! We're looking for Dr. Pinkerton of the Consortium of Genius

Pinkerton: Well sorry fellers, I ain't who yer lookin fer, I'm Slim Pinky and these are the Cowboys of Genius! Now then, what song do yew wanna hear?

Audience: FREE BIRD

Pinkerton: Shucks I ain't even worked up a sweat yet! Yeeeehaaaawwwww


Watson: Stop this charade right now sir! Are you or are you not Dr. Pinkerton of New Orleans Louisiana?

Pinkerton: Why pardner, I ain't from these parts! I was born in the South!


Watson: You're not fooling anyone you know. I'm afraid you'll have to accompany us down to the station.

Watson rips off Pinkerton's fake mustache

Pinkerton: Owww, my mustache! On what grounds?

Watson: Interfering with the course of history for starters!

Watson and Holmes drag off Pinkerton.

Pinkerton: Keep it going! I shall return!!!

Rachnid: OK!

Rachnid presses a button on the back of the emcee

Drumbot: Alright surfers and dudettes, throw your board in the woody, cause we're gonna take you back to 1964 with that #1 surf hit by the Consortium of Genius, ‘Do The Creep'!


Z: Look, Dr. Pinkerton's back!

Rachnid: How did you shake off those two detectives?

Pinkerton: Turns out they were from the future... so I got them drunk on this.

Z and Rachnid: MILK?!


Pinkerton: Excellent! You know, the mere mention of MILK gives me an idea for a number that should have intercontinental appeal. Drumbot?

Drumbot: Hey headbangers! It's time to go back to 1997 and rock out with that international industrial metal hit by the Consortium of Genius, ‘I Scream'!


Watson: Alright alright alright, what's all this then?

Pinkerton: What are you two doing back?

Holmes: We've returned for more alcohol

Watson: No Holmes, we've returned to take them in for questioning, stay on message!

Holmes and Watson take Pinkerton into the wings.

Pinkerton: Keep it going till I return!!!

Z: OK, my turn now! Drumbot?

Drumbot: Alright upper and lower castes, who could forget the year 2008, when the big Bhangra dance craze began and everybody stopped listening to rock and roll completely! Here's the Consortium of Genius with their #1 smash hit, Funky Fresh!


Pinkerton: Dr. Z! I've warned you many times in the past! We're trying to rewrite rock and roll history, not destroy it completely! Why, think of the damage you may have just caused to my plan! We shall have to vivisect a member of the audience. Fetch my SONIC MIND PROBE!!!


Pinkerton: Excellent! Look at how atrophied this brain sample is! Perfect... And now, to complete my plan. Gentlemen, remember that ruffian we substituted for Elvis? Well, thanks to my meddling, in this new continuity, Elvis is still alive! All we need do now is introduce him to my formula for the perfect deadly drug, and with his death, I shall take his crown and our triumph shall be complete! Mwahahahahahahaha!!! Colleagues, hand me your distillation of the formula.


Pinkerton: Idiots! Clumsy idiots! I almost spilled the formula when you splashed it in my face!

Rachnid: We didn't splash it on you, you must have tripped or something.

Z: Oh come on, would we do that to you?

Trixie: Ooh, look here he comes!

Drumbot: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the King of Rock and Roll himself, Elvis Presley!


<Alex walks out with late model Elvis attire and facial hair>

Pinkerton: What is this? Turn off that Beethoven crap! That's not appropriate music for the King of Rock and Roll!

<Alex hears the music and something stirs in his mind>

Drumbot: Alright, how ‘bout some easy listening instead?


<Alex rips off the facial hair and takes off the coat>

Alex: Now ‘at's more like it!

<Alex proceeds to beat Pinkerton to a pulp with sound effects, as the curtain drops>





© 2008 The Consortium of Genius.  All Rights Reserved.