C.O.G. vs. Sherlock Holmes ver. 1.3 10/25/02
Drumbot: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I am Drumbot, a cybernetic percussion automaton. I am here to warn you about my creators, three of the most evil humans to ever walk the earth - The Consortium of Genius! They include Dr. A - a drug-addled alcoholic who will do anything for his next fix!
Screen shows Dr. A popping some pills
Drumbot: Dr. Z, a worldwide terrorist conspirator operating under an assumed identity in the U.S... his only known weakness, WOMEN!
Screen shows Dr. Z in the hot tub, his eyes darting back and forth
Drumbot: Last and perhaps most dangerous, their leader, the self-proclaimed next ruler of the world, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III! Now, my sources inform me that these three madmen are heading this way! You only have a few minutes to prepare yourselves for their arrival... in fact, Computer?
Computer: Yes, Drumbot?
Drumbot: Locate the present coordinates of The Consortium of Genius.
And the transmission cuts off. Drumbot nervously tries to cover...
Drumbot: Errr, I believe I hear the Consortium of Genius approaching now... LOOK OUT!
The sound of an incoming warhead fills the air as the lights flare and dust from a huge explosion billows from the wings. A tire rolls out onto the stage. Dr.ís A, Z and Pinkerton stagger out onto the stage, coughing...
Dr. A: Where are we? Oh wait a minute - I recognize this place. Weíve died and gone to hell!
Dr. Z: You see? I got you where you needed to be! And Iíll even waive the tip!
Pinkerton: Silence you two! And stay away from the Self Destruct Button. I only had it put in yesterday, and I don't want to use it unless we absolutely have to. Now that weíre here, neither your drinking nor your driving have any bearing on... the FUTURE!
Pinkerton: Now that I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce myself. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, the founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius - a group best known as the COG!
Pinkerton: Excellent. You learn well. Perhaps I should consider sparing the residents of this very room when we take over the world, which according to my calculations should be in <check watch> ...approximately 40 minutes. So as you prepare for the end, why don't you just relax, go to the bar, get some milk...
Dr. Z: Milk? You mean like, from a cow?
Pinkerton: Why of course.
Dr. Z: But great Vishnu specifically forbids us to bother the sacred cows for such menial reasons...
Pinkerton: Quiet, Dr. Z! Don't you know, some of the most evil insidious overlords of all time drank MILK. Even the fierce Viking raiders of old drank GOBS of the stuff. Attend!
Pinkerton: Now then, enough drinking! We must be in a sober frame of mind when we announce our world takeover. But first, I must send out a press release announcing my ascendancy to world power. Dr. A!
Dr. A: Yesss, whaddya want?
Pinkerton: I need you to take a message. Here use this permanent marker. Quote: "For Immediate Release: We, the Consortium of Genius, will take over the world in 37 minutes and 20 seconds. Do what you have to in order to prepare for this inevitability! Soon, you will all die, unless you heed the following instruct... Dr. A, what are you doing?
Dr. A: <vigorously sniffing marker> Oh, yeah, well, I was just writing the ransom note when all of a sudden I got a nose itch, and the only thing I had to scratch with was this marker. <looks> Whoa, Dr. Pinkerton, when did you get three eyes and an extra arm?
Pinkerton: Dr. A! Stop sniffing that marker at once! Why, it's just like an olefactory lobotomy! You'll be blinded! It'll lead you to an early death! It'll destroy your brain!
Dr. Z: <scoldingly> Not only that, according to Allah, it's also quite morally wrong!
Dr. A: Whoa, now I'm seeing Elvis! Damn, that's some good marker! What brand is this anyway?
Pinkerton: Give me that! <grabs the marker>
Dr. A: Hey, no problem, join the party! Whoooo
Pinkerton: <seriously> Now, Dr. Z, take down this press release. Quote: "For Immediate Release: We, the Consortium of Genius, will be taking over the world in 33 minutes and 17 seconds. I expect full news coverage of this blessed event, as I, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, utilize my awesome powers of high technology to forcibly ascend the earth's throne. And while you await this inevitable end, please visit our website at www.ConsortiumOfGenius.com." Got that?
Dr. Z: ".cum." OK, I have written the love letter!
Pinkerton: No, it's a press release, Dr. Z - and I want it delivered by hand to each of the major networks. See to it! Now then where was I... taking over the world... <Pinkerton begins rambling...>
Dr. Z: Oh, hello lady. <Dr Z picks out a girl from the audience and hands her the note, all the while pouring on the charm.> What is you name? Oh yes, I see Ganesh has endowed you well. Would you please deliver this to Rush Limbaugh for me? A great reward awaits you later in my dressing room if you would...
Pinkerton: Now then, my takeover of the world...
Dr. Z: Oh, excuse me Dr. Pinkerton, I have done as you said and delivered the love letter.
Pinkerton: Press release, Dr. Z! *sigh.* Nevertheless, excellent! I shall reward you by augmenting your harem, which as I understand it, presently has a membership of zero. Have you ever heard of my Android Woman project?
Dr. A: Isn't that near the St. Thomas projects?
Pinkerton: Dr. A, the intro, please!
Pinkerton: Now then Z, see to it that the Android Woman is cleaned off after you're finished having your way with her, it would do to...
The alarm starts going off. Lights flash and the video screen lights up with the words 'Incoming Call'
Pinkerton: Funny isn't it, how the phone always seems to ring right when you're about to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Get that would you, Dr. Z....
Dr. Z: Er, ummm, it seems I have a prior commitment ten feet away... would you please get that Dr. A?
Dr. A: I'm bizzy gettin' smashed. Pinkerton, you do the honor!
The video screen lights up with a closeup of a mouth through a fisheye lens. 'Sherlock Holmes' is onscreen, speaking directly into the camera lens.
Holmes: Hello? Hello is anybody there? <he turns away to Watson> Watson old chap, I do believe this confounded device is quite evidently a complete waste of my valuable time, which should by rights be spent in the service of our incompetent police force. Now if you will excuse me, I will be in my office, drinking. I mean, reading. Good day!
Watson: Wait Holmes, you were speaking into the wrong end... please excuse my colleague, he's a brilliant detective but also a tad... eccentric!
Holmes blunders around in the background, knocking over things, then produces a magnifying lens and starts examining everything in sight.
Pinkerton: Who in blazes are you idiots and what do you want?
Watson: My word, the impropriety! Well, I will have you know, sir, that I am Doctor Watson the 5th, and my colleague here is none other than great great great grandson of the world's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes!
Sherlock hears his name spoken and whirls around, knocking over a vase. Watson regains his composure and says
Pinkerton: Never heard of him! Nevertheless, our... activities are none of YOUR concern, so if you would excuse me...
Watson: Oh but it wasn't YOU we were looking for, good fellow, it was another scientist... perhaps somebody you know. A 'Doctor Zed'.
Dr. Z is cowering behind his amplifier right about now...
Pinkerton: Doctor Who?
Theme music starts up out of nowhere. Everybody looks around...
Pinkerton: Wait, you mean, you weren't looking an evil genius named 'Doctor Pinkerton' by any chance? A dangerously clever man with aspirations of... TAKING OVER THE Wor....
Holmes is now examining Watson's shoulder for dandruff
Watson: No no no, we were looking... stop that Holmes... for a terrorist fugitive named 'Doctor Zed', recently fled to your country from the middle east... here, let me show you a picture of this man, perhaps it would jog your memory. I said stop that, old chap!
As Watson holds up a picture of Dr. Z, Pinkerton grabs a wire on the stage and starts plugging and unplugging it, causing the picture to fill with static
Pinkerton: Ex...use me gentlemen, we ...em to be ...osing the connec... there. Good riddance.
Dr. A: Now what was THAT all about, Pinkerton?
Pinkerton: It was nobody of consequence... merely another obstacle for me to DESTROY!
Pinkerton: I see some of you survived destruction! Very well, for I shall need some witnesses on hand as I TAKE OVER THE WORLD in approximately (looks at watch) 27 minutes. Let it not be said that Dr. Pinkerton is without mercy...
Dr's. A & Z in unison: Dr. Pinkerton is without mercy.
Pinkerton: I said let it NOT be said! I see now that I will have to resort to punishment. Drumbot, activate the gyrotic oscillators! Now, DANCE!
Pinkerton: Now then, you may all be wondering, why... WHY? Why all this destruction? Well, I'll tell you. But first, it is time to test a little theory of mine. I will need to dismember a member of the audience. Dr. A, select someone for me to dissect!
Dr. A: No problem, I'll just ask this guy over here...
Drumbot: If you think I'm going to get up from this television, you're sadly mistaken.
Dr. A: Lousy couch monkey... oh yeah, Dr. Z! Hey Dr. Z, you see all them girls out there?
Dr. Z: Ahhh yes. Soon they will all be mine.
Dr. A: Yeah! But which ones?
Dr. Z: Now let me see, so many lovely ladies, so little time...
Dr. Z proceeds to paw at several members of the audience before selecting a willing victim, leading her up onstage.
Pinkerton: Excellent, and make sure you get their blood type before the... procedure. Mooohahahahahaha!
Dr. Pinkerton hands Z a large syringe.
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, I will never understand why we must always hurt the ones we love... *sigh*
The young lady is placed in THE CHAIR. Dr. Z proceeds to get into an argument with the volunteer about drawing her blood.
Pinkerton: Now then, we were on the subject of taking over the wor... Dr. Z, what seems to be the issue here? I told you to prepare the vict... errr, patient, for the Painful Procedure!
Dr. Z: But Dr. Pinkerton, she is resisting a simple blood test!
Dr. A: Hey, maybe I could sedate her... I could u sedate right about now...
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, if you can't get her to sit still, how else am I supposed to examine her BRAIN?
Dr. Z: Perhaps music would calm her... here, let me bust a funky beat.
Pinkerton: Gentlemen, the brain is the key to our conquest of the planet, but it currently seems to be lodged in this young lady's cranium. Fetch the Sonic Mind Probe, Dr. A, and we shall check the brain for freshness!
Pinkerton: Aha! Your brain is now mine. Or, if you will, it is now mind! Mooohahahaha! Dr. Z, you may have what remains, just remove the body from my lab, tout de suite. Now you may ask, why have I extricated the brain? Excellent question...
The video screen starts ringing again.
Pinkerton: Arrrgh! These constant interruptions are trying my patience! Dr. A - answer the videophone! I'm busy!
Dr. A: Oh yeah OK. Hey Dr. Z... Z? Where did ya go? Oh what the hell, I'll answer it. Hello?
The video screen flashes on, displaying a suave man in a tuxedo. James Bond theme music in background
007: So... we meet aga... oh excuse me, I'm terribly sorry. May I please speak to your supervisor?
Dr. A: Sure, he's right over here somewhere. Hey Pinkerton, it's for you.
007: So... we meet again! What with all these fiendish inventions, I should have expected to find YOU at the center of...
Pinkerton is becoming aware that he's being called... he whirls around
007: oh wait a minute, I thought you were someone else. May I please speak to your boss?
Pinkerton: I'll have you know, whoever YOU are, Dr. Pinkerton answers to noone!
007: Dr. Who?
Theme music starts up... everybody stares into space...
007: Oh terribly sorry, we already did that joke... well, perhaps you know a devilishly evil madman...
Pinkerton: Yesss... go on...
007: A dangerous master of invention...
Pinkerton: I like what I'm hearing... continue...
007: Committed unspeakable crimes against humanity, and according to my sources in Her Majesty's Secret Service, has acquired a weapon of dangerously high technology...
Pinkerton: Why yes, in fact you're looking right at...
007: ...goes by the alias 'Dr. Zed'... apparently he stole the device right from Q's office. He's been seen in your vicinity, swarthy fellow wearing a turban...
Pinkerton: I'm sorry sir, you obviously have the wrong number! Don't call back unless you're looking for Pinkerton!
The screen goes blank as Pinkerton hangs up.
Pinkerton: Why don't they ever want to speak to me? Why? WHY?
A & Z: Because, we're scientists!
Pinkerton: Now then, enough of this funky groove! I must put an end to these interlopers before they further delay my imminent world takeover. I sentence all these idiotic antagonistic protagonists to DEATH!
Pinkerton: Ahhhh, at last the time has come... time to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. And how, you ask, am I going to take over the world? I'm glad you asked... because I DON'T KNOW!!!!
Pinkerton starts throwing a tantrum
Dr. Z: With this perhaps?
Dr. Z takes the wooden block prop out of his pocket. Just then the alarm buzzer sounds.
Computer: Security breach warning. Intruder detected at front door of lab.
Pinkerton: You get that. I'm too upset right now.
The screen comes on. It's SPIDER-MAN!
Dr. A: Hey look, Dr. Pinkerton, it's Pooperman!
Dr. Z doesn't notice at first, but continues trying to call Pinkerton's attention to the block prop.
Spiderman: Hello, is Doctor Pinkerton there?
Pinkerton hears his name called and swings around
Spiderman: So... at last, we meet... hey wait a minute, isn't that Doctor Z?
Pinkerton: Never mind that, what were you calling me about?
Spiderman pulls out a 'Wanted' poster for Dr. Z and checks it out. Z looks like he's about to panic
Spiderman: Yeah, it IS you, isn't it... sorry to ruin your little party, Dr. Z, but I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me!
Pinkerton: I've about had enough of this! Now I'm warning you, mister red and blue underoos...
Z aims the prop at the screen and presses the button. The image on the screen goes blinding white, then negative image... Spiderman holds his hand in front of his face, blinded and screams, as the transmission cuts off abruptly
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, how dare you! I was about to take my place in the pantheon of Super Villains, before you so rudely interrupted me! No cookie for YOU, I'm afraid! But errr, out of curiousity, what did you just do?
Z shows Dr. Pinkerton the device
Dr. Z: Oh, it's my new invention. You see I blinded him with science!
Pinkerton seizes the device from Z
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, why did you not inform me of this invention sooner? Why, this could be just what I've been needing to finally TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Suddenly, the phone starts ringing again.
Pinkerton: I'll get that! Hello?
Voice: I'd like a large pizza with everything on it, to go.
Pinkerton: Idiots! Do they not realize what we are capable of?
Pinkerton hangs up... and the phone rings again.
Voice: Hello! I want to kill you!
Pinkerton slams the phone back down
Pinkerton: Enough of these meaningless interruptions! I'm not going to answer that damned thing again!
Immediately the phone starts ringing again. Z makes to answer it, but is curtailed by Pinkerton.
Pinkerton: No, just let it ring. It can't possibly be anyone important. I'm just going to ignore the ringing...
Pinkerton starts whistling atonally...
The phone rings about 7 times, and Dr. A finally notices it and picks up.
Dr. A: Hey, I think the phone's ringing... Hellllll
Pinkerton: Give me that!!! Hello?
The screen flashes to life. Spiderman is still dazed. Watson is trying to examine his eyes with a penlight, but he refuses to take the mask off. 007 addresses the camera...
007: Oh hello, it's you again. May I please speak to Dr. Z?
Z runs behind his amp again
Pinkerton: <insanely> Ahhh! No! And I'll tell you why... because you didn't use the magic word!
007: Surely you don't expect me to beg?
Pinkerton: Why no my dear Bond, I expect you to die! I've been dying to say that! Moohahahaha!
With that, Pinkerton presses a button on the top of the wooden block and a bright flash goes off, blinding him. Everyone on the screen starts laughing. Pinkerton staggers around the stage. More heroes step in to the onscreen scene, and join in pointing and laughing. Pinkerton bumps into the Self Destruct Button, setting off the Nuclear Auto-Destruct Sequence. The figures onscreen look aghast, then bolt. Alarms go off. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the lights flare bright, then all goes dark.
The lights come back on... Pinkertonís nowhere to be seen.
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton? Hello? Dr. Pinkerton?
Dr. A: I think heís gone. Letís go to the bar!
Dr. Z: Uhhh, ladies and gentlemen, especially ladies, it is not the end as the sign would have you believing. I have something very important to tell you...
Dr. A: Awww come on Z Iím real THIRSTY, why donít we go to the bar?
Drumbot rises back into view.
Drumbot: Is that Bhangra music I hear?
Pinkerton reappears onstage right as Dr. A, sickened by the disco Bhangra, leaves.
Dr. A: Thatís it, Iím getting a drink.
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, what is this? I leave for just a minute and here you are, abusing my priceless scientific equipment to hypnotise female women of the opposite sex!
Dr. Z: Oh no, it is not like that at all Dr. Pinkerton. I was merely fulfilling the ancient words of the prophet Gene Simmons, who said: "youíve got to have a party."
Pinkerton: Ahhh! Well, in that case...
Dr. A staggers back to the stage and falls over, drunk.
Pinkerton: Why Dr. A, youíre completely inebriated! <reaches down and checks his pulse> Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr. R raises his hand.
Dr. R: Iím a doctor! <Dr. R makes his way to the stage and plugs in.>
Pinkerton: Ahh! Perhaps you wouldnít mind introducing yourself to these good people.
Dr. R: Iím doctor R. Mondo Paine!
Pinkerton: And what, in your opinion, should we prescribe for this manís condition?
Dr. R: <thoughtfully> As a medical doctor, I say... Letís party!
© 2002 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.