Pinkerton: Bad-evening students, and welcome to SCHOOL! We three will be your new permanent substitute teachers. My name is Professor Pinkerton. Now please remain seated and pay attention, for there will be an exam afterwards, before you all die. Any questions? No? Good. Now then... yes? A question from the student in front.

a shill in the front row has his hand up

student: If you’re our substitute teacher, what happened to our normal teachers?

Pinkerton: From simple minds come simple questions... The answer’s simple too, for after you went home this afternoon they were all put to DEATH!!!

DEATH

Pinkerton: Now that you see how serious we are, it is time to begin the lesson. The first course will be theology class. How many of you know the difference between good and EVIL? No? Well we’re going to skip all the good parts and get right to the EVIL.

SKELETONS

Pinkerton: This skull brings us to the next course: Biology class. Your teacher for this class will be the sane and sober Dr. A Pentatonic. Dr. A?

While Pentatonic is lecturing, he repeatedly guzzles PILLS, becoming more and more erratic as the drugs take effect.

Pentatonic: Thank you for that extraordinarily helpful introduction, Dr. Pinkerton! Now students, I’m going to combine our biology class today with a little history lesson as well. But since you never study, you’re all going to fail anyway. One of the worst diseases in history wiped out about half the population of Europe in the 10th century. Of course back then there were no drugs available, like the ones commonly available today. In fact it’s getting easier and easier to obtain drugs, especially if you know someone like me. If you need any drugs, see me after class. But back to the topic at hand. Drugs. I mean... the 10th century.

Pinkerton: Hmmm. Perhaps I could provide some perspective here. In the squalour of...

BLACK PLAGUE

Pinkerton: Very interesting, Dr. A. So there were no drugs available back then to combat the black plague?

Pentatonic: (suavely pops a pill) D’you say drugs? Y’don’t have any, do you?

Pinkerton: (oblivious) No, I meant, what did you do if you caught the disease?

Pentatonic: Oh. Yeah. Your disease. Well, as a doctor I would normally prescribe lots of different drugs. But since I seem to be all out of drugs I guess I would recommend sleep and drinking lots of MILK.

Pinkerton: Ah yes. Milk. You know, students, on a related historical topic, Milk is what the ancient Vikings used to drink before battle. No wonder they were so healthy!

MILK

Pentatonic: Remember students, just say no... to milk.

Pinkerton: Students, it is time to study a part of the body we rarely see, an important bodily organ that is normally concealed where the sun doesn’t shine. Do any of you students have any idea what part of the body I’m talking about?

students yell out various answers, like ‘the ass’ and ‘your butt’ and perhaps even ‘your ass’

Pinkerton: You are all absolutely correct. The subject for the next hour is THE BRAIN, and your teacher this hour will be Dr. Z. Now then, would anyone out there care to pass their brain to the front of the class so we can begin?

Dr. Z: (irritably) Professor Pinkerton, I am ready to begin the lecture as soon as I have the brain specimen...

Pinkerton: Yes well, as we appear to have an uncooperative bunch of pimplely-faced oxy-morons here, it seems that we will have to procure the brain specimen forcibly from... YOU! Get up here. You’re punished!

student begins to protest...

Pinkerton: Silence! Now sit right there and don’t move. Dr. Z, prepare the Sonic Mind Probe. We shall kill two birds with one proverbial stone. (to audience) And you’re all going to get a bit of free pre-med schooling! (to student) Do you know what a Lobotomy is? No? Well don’t worry. This won’t hurt... me!

LoBoToMy

Pinkerton: From observance of my chronometer, I deduce that it is time for lunch. For lunch today, we will be serving I Scream, in the following flavours: liver, ‘shepherd’s pie’, and ‘mystery-meat’. I Scream for everyone!

I SCREAM

Pinkerton: Lunch break is over. Please return to your seats immediately, as we will begin flooding the cafeteria with nitric acid in just under two minutes. Now then, I would like you all to meet your teacher for this evening’s lesson. Please pay careful attention, as he only just moved to this country and doesn’t speak very clearly.

Dr. Z: Hello everybody! I am Professor Zaemon Abdul-Siddartha-Mohammad-Achmell-Tutmos-Abram-Ali Hermes-Odin-Mahatma-Dahali-Martin-Luther-Hussein-Kali-Rocka-Babu-Haegiegi III. But you can call me Professor Abdul-Siddartha-Mohammad-Achmell-Tutmos-Abram-Ali-Hermes-Odin-Mahatma-Dahali-Martin- Luther-Hussein-Kali-Rocka-Babu-Haegiegi III. Today we are going to be examining the brain. If you don’t have a brain, you may look off of the student next to you.

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, here is a brain to teach with, fresh from the cafeteria.

Dr. Z: Very good... now then students, notice the pliable quality of this brain. This is the sign of a weak western mind. You must be resistant to these bad cultural influences that lead you astray from the path of Allah, into the snares and traps of heavy metalheaded music... why just look at all these unmarried women, and not a veil in sight! It is quite a shameful day indeed...

Pinkerton: (interrupting his rant) Now Dr. Z, you were supposed to be lecturing about the BRAIN! This isn’t social sciences, after all...

Dr. Z: But professor Pinkerton my degree is in nuclear physics!

Pinkerton: *sigh*. Well then I suppose I shall have to do it. Dr. Z you can still assist me in delivering this discourse. Please drop for me a fresh beat with which I can bust a dope rhyme.

Pentatonic: (distracted) What kind of rhyme?

BRAIN WRAP

(beginning of song)

Pinkerton: Why Dr. Z, what is this? This is even older than old school. Paleozoic, by the sound of it!

Dr. Z: (offended) Well Merry Christmas to you too, Captain Crunch!!! I will have you know that this def groove is all the rage in Bahgdad as we speak. It is almost as popular as Vanilla Icicle.

Pinkerton: But it simply won’t do. Have you got anything, Dr. A?

Dr. A turns around. A syringe is in his right hand and a tube is wrapped around his left upper arm.

Pentatonic: Hey, I’m kinda busy right now... uh, drumbot, hit it...

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Pinkerton: (trying to hush audience) Quiet class, order... SILENCE! Now then, it is time now to reveal the true reason we are here... for we are no common teachers. We are the Consortium of Genius, and all the while you have been listening to us lecture, the beam from my Hypnotronic Ray has permeated the very air that you breathe, making your minds MINE to control! In the very near future, you will be completely in our power!

BOW 2 ME

Pinkerton: Now go to the back of this very room and purchase our tshirts and CD’s! You are under our control! Go my minions! Kill anyone who gets in your way! Mooohahahahahaha! In the meantime, I will need another lab rat from the audience. You will do nicely. No, it’s not voluntary... it’s INVOLUNTARY! Sit right down there. Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to embark upon an experiment never before attempted in the history of the C.O.G.!

All: COG!!!

Pinkerton: errrr... yes. The REANIMATION of the DEAD! Doctor A., put the Necrotron on his head! You work the controls, Doctor Z. What we are proposing to do is drain the life essence from this guinea pig into these frozen specimens recently exhumed from the frozen wastes of Antarctica! Now sit still... soon you will feel only the warm, comforting touch of... DEATH! Moooohahahahahaha!!!!!