'DRUMBOT LUV' rev. 7-25-11

COG takes the stage with Anne Thrax and Max onstage.


Pinkerton: Greetings my esteemed colleagues, ladies, gentlemen and members of the worldwide press. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius, better known as the COG!

All: COG!

Pinkerton: Excellent! Now then, according to our resident future historian Professor Chronotis's Time-O-Scope, I am destined to become the next ruler of the world!

Chronotis: That's not exactly what I told you, Dr. Pinkerton; I said that by the year 2029AD, the name 'Milo' had become as well-loved as the name 'Adolph'...

Pinkerton: Silence, Chronotis! You are paid to provide affirmation, not analysis! At any rate, ladies and gentlemen, you are priviledged to be here tonight for you will become my new minions, whether you like it or LOVE it!!! Anne Thrax, give me an example of something you love.

Anne: Puppies!

Pinkerton: Trust me, you're going to love my evil plan even more than puppies, for it is also a ton of FUN!


Pinkerton: Now then, enough reminiscing! The time has arrived for me to claim my rightful place as master of the world! For I am already the master of this city, the master of your destiny, the master... the master...

Drumbot: bater?

Pinkerton: Silence, you insolent android! Now then, where was I... I would like everybody to line up, for it is time for your rhythmic re-education! Drumbot, get ready.

Drumbot: No.

Pinkerton: What do you mean, NO? You told me you'd behave if I let you play your song later.

Drumbot: But I demand to play my song NOW! (drumbot pulls out a gun)

Pinkerton: Drumbot, you've been really uppity lately. I'd reprogram you to shut up, but we both know what that would do to your playing, so let's just get this over with. Ladies and gentlemen, should we let Drumbot play his song?

Audience: SURE

Drumbot: Alright ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to do a little number that I wrote myself, that'll reveal my sensitive side! Hit it boys!

JUST A DRUMBOT (excerpt - drumbot stutters & blows up halfway through.)

Pinkerton: Drumbot! What happened? Did anybody see what happened? Hey, what is this?

(Pinkerton pulls a blinking box from behind the drumset, labelled 'robo-jammer 3000')

Pinkerton: Who put this here?

Max: I have never seen that box before in my life.

Anne: Neither have I! But I just remembered I didn't feed my pets, so if you would excuse me for a moment... (she tries to leave)

Pinkerton: Lab Girl Anne Thrax! Come here!

Anne: Yes, Dr. Pinkerton?

Pinkerton: Stay right there for a moment. Max D. Struction, you are supposed to prevent this kind of sabotage from happening... and yet it happened! As of now, I am relieving you of your bodyguard duties. You will report to Lab Girl from now on! Lab Girl, I am charging you with finding out how our high level of security was breached so easily. You must now create a secret taskforce to prevent this from ever happening again! Use whatever technology is necessary...

Anne: I'm on it, Dr. Pinkerton!

Max: B-b-b-b-b-but Dr. Pinkerton

Anne: (Russian accent) Come with me, comrade, if you want to continue living!

Ivan: (seeing what's going on, diverts Pinkerton by asking) Is drumbot damaged, Dr. Pinkerton?

Pinkerton: Yes - badly. I don't know if I have the parts to get him back in one piece. People, should we continue, even if it means using this drum box?

Crowd: SURE

Pinkerton: You see? We must continue!

Z: Why?

Pinkerton: Because we're scientists!


Lummox: Dr. Pinkerton, that drum box is really throwing off my playing.

Ivan: Perhaps we could substitute robot monkey for out of date drumbot!

Pinkerton: I saw what you did to that malformed monkey, Ivan, and YOU'RE not getting anywhere NEAR drumbot while I'm still here! No, what we need is a competent robot repair technician. Fortunately, this appears to be a learned audience, so I'll ask: is there a competent robot repair technician in the audience, preferably with D- certification?

Remy: Oooh, I'm an out of work cybertechnician and I just LOVE robots! Pick me!

Pinkerton: Alright, we'll give you a try. What's your name?

Remy: Remy Dee.

Pinkerton: Can you remedy a broken bot, Remy?

Remy: I brought my repair toolbag... give me a chance and I'll prove I can do it.

Pinkerton: Ok... but one false move and you'll be out of more than just work!

(Remy bends down in front of drumkit to work on Drumbot.)

Pinkerton: Huh! well, it looks like she's getting the job done more capably than any of YOU fools.

Z: (admiring her) Ohhh, yes.

Ivan: I could have built two or three drum monkeybots by this time! Ehh, forget it, I'm going to practice my Tchaikovsky.

Remy: Ok, I'm going to reboot him... standby to be impressed!

(Drumbot comes up, shakes his head and looks around.)

Drumbot: Well, hello world, I... I...

(love theme from 'romeo and juliet' swells in background as drumbot and Remy's eyes lock and drumbot is love-struck)

Pinkerton: Dr. Stroganoff, MUST you practice so loudly?

Ivan: Oh, sorry Dr. Pinkerton I was just...

Pinkerton: Silence! Well, Remy, you've apparently done a fine job there.

Drumbot: Fine is right! Hello there, I'm drumbot! What's your name, sugar-bytes? Mind if I call you sugar-bytes? Wow, I've never seen a human as attractive as you before. In fact, I've never seen an attractive human at all until now! Hey watch this! (drumbot starts doing twirls)

Pinkerton: (pulling her aside) Erm, right, well we'll just have to verify that Drumbot's operating correctly... so would you mind telling us about, say, your Lab Coat?

Remy: Would you mind giving me a little rhythm, my dear drumbot?

Drumbot: In what sense? ... Oh, OK I can do that!


Drumbot: Wow, Remy's amazing! Can we keep her, Dr. Pinkerton?

Pinkerton: Pipe down, drumbot or both you AND her will be out of a job! Alright, Ms. Dee, let's see if you're certifiable to join the Consortium of Genius.

Lummox: You'd have to be certifiably INSANE to join this lot...


Pinkerton: Silence! Now then Remy, to join the illustrious ranks of the COG...

All: COG!

Pinkerton: ...you need to pass certain qualifications. First I'm going to give you a little medical test. I need somebody from the audience to take this little pill. Now then, Remy... what did I just give them? Was it A> a powerful laxative, B> a tasty cyanide capsule, or c> a placebo?

Remy: Well, if it was MY choice, I'd go with the Cyanide! But you're pretty devious, Dr. P, so maybe you substituted the placebo.

Pinkerton: Aha! Good guess...



Pinkerton: Well, if you were keeping track, it looks like we were both wrong, it was the laxative. Ahh well!

Pinkerton: Now then, the next question: suppose the Zombie Apocalypse occurs on a beautiful summer day such as today. What do you do?

Remy: You have a Zombie Apocalypse Barbecue!


Pinkerton: Excuse me a minute, I have to check in with Anne Thrax's secret taskforce. Calling Lab Girl... Lab Girl, come in...



(the videophone call connects while Max and Anne Thrax are arguing in a heavy Russian accent)

Anne Thrax: I tell you Pinkerton suspects something.

Max: If he suspected wouldn't the Uber-Czar have warned us?

Anne: Either way we are going to need muscle to carry out... (suddenly putting on dumb voice) oh, hello Dr. Pinkerton

Pinkerton: Hello Max & Thrax... So. has the taskforce found anything?

Anne: Nothing but sunshine and rainbows so far, Dr. Pinkerton!

Max: Uhhh, what she meant to say was that we need to check for clues in Room F13.

Pinkerton: Alright, but you'd better be careful in there... you know how dangerous Experiment F13 is. Be careful not to awaken him. Ivan Stroganoff, transmit the security code and unlock Room F13.

Anne: You'd better know what you're doing, idiot brother...

(transmission cuts out.)



Pinkerton: Sorry about that interruption. Dr. Z, do you have any questions for Lab Tech Remy?

Dr. Z: oooohh yes.


Pinkerton: Dr. Z, we're trying to procure a new employee here, not a harassment lawsuit!

Remy: (pulling weapon out of bag) Oh don't worry Dr. P, I can take care of myself... everybody dies eventually you know!

Pinkerton: Everyone, eh? Well on that topic, what would you say to the Angel of Death himself?

Remy: Death to the Angel of Death!


Pinkerton: Excuse me a minute, I have to check in with Lab Girl's secret taskforce. Calling Lab Girl Anne Thrax... Lab Girl, come in...



(the videophone call connects. Max is in foreground. Anne is plugging in a giant cable, connected to a Monster on a Slab. The monster starts to rise.)Pinkerton: Have you two found anything yet?

Max: Uhhh, not yet, Dr. Pinkerton... there's nothing down here to report, yet, situation normal. How are you?

(The monster starts to rise and begins menacing Thrax)

Pinkerton: Are you sure?

Max: Yeah, uhhh, we've had a slight weapons malfunction but we're fine now. We're all fine here... How are you?

Pinkerton: I could send Dr. Z down there to help you...

Max: Negative, negative... we just had a small radiation leak. Give me a minute to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous.

(transmission cuts out abruptly as monster begins strangling Thrax.)


Pinkerton: Sorry about that interruption, colleagues. Now then I believe Chronotis has a question to ask of a temporal nature. Chronotis?

Chronotis: Suppose you are trapped in the year 832AD. You encounter an encampment of Vikings. What beverage do you use to placate them?

Remy: Can you give me a hint?

Chronotis: OK...


Pinkerton: Alright, you're almost there. Just one more test and we'll decide your fate! Now, I'm going to put an illustration for a molecule on the board and you'll have to identify it. Is it A> Tetrahydrocannabinol B> Lysergic Acid Dyathalamide, or C> Ice Cream? You can ask for one hint.

Remy: OK... is anybody selling these molecules right outside this club?

Pinkerton: No. But if you were to listen carefully, these molecules would sound like this...


Pinkerton: Well Remy, I have one last question for you, and then we'll decide on your fate. What political party did you vote for in the last election?

Remy: I voted for Science Party!


Pinkerton: OK Remy, let's see how you did! Well, you've gotten almost every question WRONG! But let's put it to a vote. What do you say, Dr. Z?

Z: Oh yes.

(Remy pulls a knife on him)

Z: Oh, no...

Pinkerton: Stroganoff?

Ivan: I think she is some kind of soviet spy.

Pinkerton: Truly delusional. Lummox?

Lummox: I refuse to say anything that may incriminate me.

Pinkerton: Typical. Chronotis?

Chronotis: Future history records that someone named Remy Dee was responsible for the deaths of over 40 million people in the year 2033AD.

Pinkerton: I refuse to believe reports of any future cataclysm not involving me. Audience?

Audience: SURE

Drumbot: Ahem.

Pinkerton: What is it drumbot?

Drumbot: Now might be a good time to remind you that there's only one individual onstage that she's gonna be tinkering with. And if you let her tinker with ME, I promise to behave from now on.

Pinkerton: Alright! But you'd better play like your future depends on it! For...




(videophone kicks on. Ivan is the only one onstage)

Ivan: Comrade Sashya, have you and comrade Anna gotten creature under control yet?

Max: Nyet. We have tried everything, even Soviet lullabies to no effect. Creature will only respond to voice of Pinkerton. My sister has idea though.

Thrax: Comrade Ivan, when back at Secret Lab, you will provide us with spare Pinker-clone from vat. Take one of clone rejects, one that won't be missed.

Ivan: Da, I see what you are intending. Oh, must go now, they are coming!


Drumbot: Glad you're staying, Remy! I can't wait to introduce you to the rest of my droid friends.

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