The Empire Strikes C.O.G. 1.2 1/18/05
<cue Empire March. ĎConsortium of Geniusí in Star Wars font zooms backwards under big C.O.G. logo. Camera tilts down to:>
<an Imperial Cruiser rumbling through space>
<long shot in throne room: Darth Inscrutable walks forward to stairs.>
<The emperor turns in his chair to face him, as Inscrutable enters frame from right.>
Inscrutable: What is thy bidding, my master?
Emperor: Darth Inscrutable... YOU have, by far, been the LATEST of all my pupils.
Inscrutable: Uhhhh... thank you, master...?
<cu Emperorís face>
Emperor: Three rebel scientists have come to my attention... Dr. A, Dr. Z, and Dr. Pinkerton...
<Side shot: A hologram floating in front of the Emperor displays scenes from ĎC.O.G. vs. The Phantomí>
Inscrutable: The Consortium of Genius, my master? What of them?
Emperor: They possess something I need... an invention that would give the Empire the decisive power to crush our enemies once and for all. There it is...
<The video shows shots of the Time Door in action>
Emperor: Think of it, my pupil.
<cu Emperorís face>
Emperor: <condescending tone> The Star Trek universe has time travel... Doctor Who has time travel. Everyone from frigginí H.G. Wells on down has had the power to alter past history... all except for us here in the Star Wars universe!
Emperor: Darth Inscrutable, it is time to tip the balance in our favor, and these three idiots will provide the key.
<Hologram goes dark>
Inscrutable: You want me to steal their invention, master?
<cu Emperorís face>
Emperor: You will infiltrate their ranks, Darth Inscrutable. Steal their Time Door and bring it to me.
Inscrutable: Yes, my master.
<Emperorís chair turns back towards window, Darth Inscrutable turns and walks forward>
<cue more bombastic Empire music>
<Ext. Shot - an Imperial shuttle launches and flies towards the camera.>
<Ext. Shot - Shuttle in front of C.O.G. Secret Lab. A figure steps out and walks down the gangplank.>
<Int. C.O.G. lab>
Dr. Pinkerton (Offscreen): Dr. A? Where are you? Hurry up and get ready, youíre going to make us late for the lecture!
Dr. A: Yeah yeah, OK, Iím coming. Sheeesh, another day, another damn lecture.
<Darth Inscrutable suddenly enters from the left and stands there staring at him>
Dr. A: Hey wait, who are you?
<cu Darth Inscrutable. You can see his orange Sith eyes.>
Inscrutable: You may call me... <puts on sunglasses> Doctor Inscrutable.
<Darth Inscrutable waves his arm and Dr. A is thrown against the wall, then spun up, above the ceiling.>
Dr. A: Whoa fargenargle!
<cu Darth Inscrutable... he looks left and right>
Inscrutable: The Time Door must be around here somewhere...
<Inscrutable moves off frame to the left>
<Int. C.O.G. Lab - Time Door room. Darth Inscrutable enters this room from the right. Thereís a lab coat on a coat rack, but no Time Door.>
Inscrutable: <looking around, annoyed> Where is it?
Dr. Pinkerton (Offscreen): Dr. A? Hurry up, you idiot, this is an important lecture!
<Darth Inscrutable puts a lab coat over his black cloak and walks to the left off-frame.>
BOW 2 ME
Pinkerton: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press. Allow me to introduce myself, for soon, my name will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius - a group best known as the C.O.G.
Pinkerton: Quite. Now then, my erstwhile lab rats. Consider yourselves lucky, for we of the C.O.G. have come a long way to lecture you all on the values of scientific thought. Pay careful attention, for this is no idle fantasy! This is pure SCIENCE. If you want fantasy, go rent Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars or some rubbish like that, we have no use for it here.
Pinkerton: Now then. Dr. A, would you please fetch me a drink? This lecture has left me parched already.
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, Iíve been meaning to bring up the fact that Dr. A isnít even here.
Pinkerton: What? Not here? The nerve of him! So, uhhh, wait.. <looks to his left> hmmm, Doctor.... I donít know if I caught your name the first time?
Inscrutable: <gestures with his hand> Iím not the scientist youíre looking for.
Pinkerton: Youíre not the scientist Iím looking for.
Inscrutable: <gestures with his hand> You should go about your business.
Pinkerton: I should go about my business.
Inscrutable: <hands over the MILK carton> Have a refreshing drink of MILK.
Pinkerton: MILK?!?? Well now youíre talking!
Pinkerton: Ahem. Now that I, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, the most evil genius in the entire galaxy...
Inscrutable: <tries to stifle a laugh under his breath>
Pinkerton: What? You DARE to imagine that there is greater evil than the C.O.G.? Why, think of all the crimes we have committed in the name of science! Why, weíve even done deeds that many would consider Morally Wrong!
Pinkerton: Thank you very much. It doesnít get much more wrongful than that.
Inscrutable: I beg to differ.
Pinkerton: Oh really? Well just who died and made YOU an expert on morality? Well, we of the C.O.G. are immune to these questions of good or evil, right or wrong, the dark or light side of the duct tape! Weíre simply BEYOND morality. You may ask yourselves - why do we do it? The answerís simple, really - itís merely because weíre scientists!
<videophone rings...Dr. Inscrutable pushes Pinkerton out of the way>
Inscrutable: Iíll get that...
<The evil emperor appears on the viewscreen>
Emperor: So, Darth Insufferable. Report! Have you secured the Time Door yet?
Inscrutable: No, my master. The Time Door was missing from the C.O.G. Secret Lab. I will make them reveal its location soon.
<Dr. Z tries to pull Pinkerton over and warn him about Darth Inscrutable>
Emperor: <points at him> Youíd best be quick about it, Darth Incompetant! Remember, the price of failure is a sudden and nasty death.
Pinkerton: Did someone say Death? Well I say, DEATH to the Angel of DEATH!
Pinkerton: Now then, how did I arrive at this topic? I believe we were discussing... errr..
Inscrutable: <waves hand at Pinkerton> Your inventions. You were discussing your... great... inventions...
Pinkerton: Ahh yes! My greatest invention... The Sonic Mind Probe!!!
<Darth Inscrutable looks aghast. This is not what he signed up for.>
Pinkerton: Dr. Z! Fetch me a suitable guinea pig from this motley throng. Preferably somebody with a BRAIN inside their cranium!
Dr. Z: Oh alright if you insist.
Pinkerton: <to test subject> Now then, you are probably quite unused to living without a brain. I should warn you, you may experience dizziness, vomiting, drowsiness, diarrhea, or death. If symptoms persist, simply take one of these.
<holds out some Placebo pills>
Dr. Z: What are you giving them, Dr. Pinkerton?
Pinkerton: Havenít you ever heard of a Placebo?
Pinkerton: Now then, Dr. Z, let us show off another one of our greatest inventions... Dr. Z, I believe you know where it is...
<Darth Inscrutable look on in anticipation...>
Dr. Z: Ahhh yes. The proctolopod!
Pinkerton: No, idiot! I mean one of our more destructive inventions! Like this - the Radio Terrorscope. Focused amplified sonic wave harmonics with enough firepower to destroy a small moon!
Inscrutable: Small moon, huh? Oh, thatís real impressive... ever heard of a Death Star, buddy?
Pinkerton: <completely ignoring him> But why stop at the moon? With enough funding and research, we could erase all matter, perhaps rewrite history itself! Mooohahahahah!
Pinkerton: Such lovely destruction. It pleases me to think about it! But first, Dr. Z - what is the status of the Android Woman project?
Inscrutable: A droid named Ann?
Dr. Z: It has been a long time since the working on of that project Dr. Pinkerton. I have had the prototype in storage in my harem tent.
Inscrutable: Dr. Pinkerton, we are looking for a couple droids... please describe this... Anne Droid.
Dr. Z: I do believe she is not the droid youíre looking for.
Drumbot: Maybe Iím the droid youíre looking for?
<Darth Inscrutable shoves his palm in the air at Drumbot and he falls over with a clank. Drumbot slowly gets back up>
Drumbot: where am I?
Dr. Z: Youíd better watch whereís youíre aiming that hand, Dr. Inscrutable... In my country we have a saying. If your right hand offends me, Iíll cut it off! <Z brandishes a scimitar>
Pinkerton: Please, gentlemen, no severed hands. Remember what happened last time...
Inscrutable: <clenching fist> Pinkerton, if you only KNEW the POWER of the Dark Side...
Pinkerton: Ha! The Dork side is more likely!
Inscrutable: Thatís it! Iíve had enough of your flippancy! Prepare to die!
<Darth Inscrutable ignites his lightsabre guitar>
Dr. Z: <pushing Pinkerton out of the way> Not if I can help it!
<Dr. Z ignites HIS lightsabre bass!>
<A musical sabre battle follows - guitar lick countered by bass lick, until finally Darth Inscrutable seems to have the upper hand. Meanwhile, Pinkerton maneuvers around behind Z with a tabletop fan.>
Pinkerton: NOW, Dr. Z!
<Dr. Z puts down his bass and raises his arms. Pinkerton holds the fan up to his armpit and turns it on. Darth Inscrutable gags from the odor and is repulsed to the far side of the stage!>
Pinkerton: <holding nose> Good work there, Dr. Z
Dr. Z: No work at all, Dr. Pinkerton! It is my own gift from the gods, for having been born FUNKY.
<The videophone rings. Itís the Emperor...>
Pinkerton: Oh. Looks like itís for you, Darth Incontinent...
Emperor: Ahhhh. My apprentice... congratulations, you have outdone yourself.
Inscrutable: <brightens a little> Oh, really master?
Emperor: Yes, Darth Irrelevant. Youíre FIRED! Iíd kill you myself, but Iíve got a raquetball game scheduled with Darth Vader in 15 minutes. Oh, and to answer your next question, you donít get to keep the company TIE fighter either. Goodbye!
<the phone hangs up. Inscrutable shuffles offstage. Phone rings again... itís Dr. A, calling in from the Future! Behind him is what looks like a Sci-Fi convention.>
Dr. A: <in between vodka hits> Hey Pinkerton, howís it hanging?
Pinkerton: Never mind that, Dr. A, where are you? And whereís my Time Door?!??
Dr. A: Not where, Dr. Pinkerton, WHEN. See, when Darth Idiot attacked me back at the lab, I knew I had nothing to worry about...
Dr. Z: Why is that?
Dr. A: Thatís cause Iím a member of the Red Eye Knights! Shnoogums! <takes another vodka hit>
Pinkerton: Well, thatís as well may be, but youíre needed back at the lab! Get right back there this instant!
Dr. A: Sorry, Pinkerton, but when I got out of there, I punched a bunch of random coordinates into the Time Door. I donít know where or when I am and at this point Iím too drunk to drive the Time Door or any other kind of door!
A green Alien woman comes up behind Dr. A and puts her arms around him
Alien: Hey big boy, why are you wasting your time with THESE losers? Why donít you come with ME... Iím from another planet!
Dr. A: Uhhh, looks like the transmission is breaking up... tell Lab Girl I love... I love...
The transmission breaks up into static.
Pinkerton: Well how do you like that. Just when it seems weíre ready to take over the world, THIS sort of thing happens.
Dr. Z: Truly Dr. Pinkerton, it puts me in mind of our old lab assistant, Filbert Snodgrass.
<Darth Inscrutable reappears with a bottle of booze>
Inscrutable: Hey guys, check this out. The Evil Empire threw me out for failing to kill you all.
Pinkerton: Donít feel so bad, weíre in a bind ourselves without a guitar player, and I see youíve picked up one of his bad habits. But if you must party, I suggest you at least party scientifically... Drumbot?
Pinkerton: Well, speaking of TIME, weíd best be getting back to the lab, gentlemen!
Dr. Z: Why?
Pinkerton: Because itís midnight!
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