FILBERT SNODGRASS COG-A-THON 1.1b (08/22/99) FILBERT: Hello, and welcome to the first annual Filbert Snodgrass Celebrity Marathon Telethon, to benefit Filbert�s Kids!! We�ll be taking calls for the next 96 hours straight, so write down this number: 1-900-FILBERT, to help... [Pinkerton and Pentatonic enter] PENTATONIC: What kinda scam youse runnin� here, eh, Filbert? Some kinda protection racket? FILBERT: No, it�s a charity, so if you don�t mind... PINKERTON: MIND?!? Filbert, you know nothing of the power of the intellect!! After all, we are the Consortium of Genius, better known as the C.O.G�. All: COG!!!! PINKERTON: I doubt if you even know anything about the brain itself!! Attend!! BRAIN WRAP PINKERTON: Well, Filbert, what kind of a charity is this? FILBERT: Well, it�s� PINKERTON: Is it the one that says, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste"? FILBERT: Actually� PINKERTON: I like that phrase. FILBERT: I don�t think that� PINKERTON: Of course, we of the C.O.G. don�t let ANY mind go to waste!! FILBERT: But Doctor Pinker� PINKERTON: Observe now a demonstration of our greatest invention, the Sonic Mind Probe!!! LO BO TO MY PENTATONIC: Yeah, Filbert, what�s this all about, anyways? You settin� up some sort of tax-dodge? FILBERT: No, it�s not like that. I�m� telephone starts ringing� FILBERT: Oh, goody, a call! I�ll get it� <Filbert tries to pick up phone and trips> PINKERTON: <picks up phone> Hello? You want to what? Donate money to me? An excellent idea! You can help fund our vision of the FUTURE! BOW TO ME PINKERTON: Now then, where were we? <phone rings> PENTATONIC: I�ll get it. <picks up phone> Hello? DEATH: Doctor Pentatonic? PENTATONIC: Yo, D! <covers up receiver> Hey youse guys, it�s Angelo Morte! DEATH: Where�s the insurance money you owe me, Pentatonic� the death insurance? PENTATONIC: Oh, uh, I can explain everything� oh, wait I�m getting another call on the other line� <hangs up phone> Uhhh, guys, I gots ta warn ya, I think we�re gonna get a little visit from the reaper, and he�s soundin� pretty grim� PINKERTON: In that case, I think we should break out the heavy metal artillery! DEATH TO THE ANGEL OF DEATH <midway through the song, the phone rings> DEATH: Hello again. You three are dead as soon as I find where I put my car keys� PENTATONIC: Screw you! <shoots phone> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PENTATONIC: Geez, Pinkerton, I guess everybody must eventually succumb to the icy touch of the Angel of Death, even us. There�s just no way to avoid it. PINKERTON: Not so, Pentatonic!! Witness the crowning achievement of the C.O.G.!!! ARTIFICIAL LIFE!!! This cyborg succubus won�t succumb� unless you ask nicely! ANDROID WOMAN FILBERT: You guys are messing up my telethon!! <phone rings> PINKERTON: <picks up> Hello? This had better be relevant! CHUCK: Uhhhh, hello? PINKERTON: What do you want!?? CHUCK: I�d like to order a large pizza with everything on it, to go. PINKERTON: Pentatonic, it�s for you. <in background, turns back to arguing with Filbert> PENTATONIC: Uhhh, yeah, large, everything on it. Yeah, I got the address. Do you want any milk with that? FILBERT: Milk!!?! PINKERTON: Why yes, Filbert! Not only does milk compliment any cuisine, it also happens to be the most insidious liquid known to man! ATTEND!!!! MILK FILBERT: I can�t believe how evil you guys are. PINKERTON & PENTATONIC: Thank you!!! FILBERT: I mean, to slander milk like that, that�s just evil. PINKERTON: Well, if you think that�s evil, that�s NOTHING compared to the Evil One itself!!! You see, Filbert.... MARCH OF THE SKELETONS FILBERT: You two have completely ruined my telethon!!! PINKERTON: Filbert, I�ve had about enough of these philanthropic tendancies of yours. I�m warning you� <phone rings again> FILBERT: I�ll get it this time!!! Whoops� Oh farganargle! PINKERTON: That�s it! I�m putting an end to this NOW!! LOVEKILL PINKERTON: That�ll teach that goody-two-shoes!! Filbert, you�re grounded until Halloween, when we shall venture forth to Jimmy�s Music Club to once again malign your meager minds with our mastery of science!! Go, now, and warn your friends and families!! The C.O.G. has spoken!! ALL: C.O.G.!!! PINKERTON: Enough! Back to the lab you two� you, Filbert, are in very severe trouble� © 1999 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved. |