FILBERT: Hello, and welcome to the first annual Filbert Snodgrass Celebrity Marathon Telethon, to benefit Filbert’s Kids!! We’ll be taking calls for the next 96 hours straight, so write down this number: 1-900-FILBERT, to help...

[Pinkerton and Pentatonic enter]

PENTATONIC: What kinda scam youse runnin’ here, eh, Filbert? Some kinda protection racket?

FILBERT: No, it’s a charity, so if you don’t mind...

PINKERTON: MIND?!? Filbert, you know nothing of the power of the intellect!! After all, we are the Consortium of Genius, better known as the C.O.G….

All: COG!!!!

PINKERTON: I doubt if you even know anything about the brain itself!! Attend!!


PINKERTON: Well, Filbert, what kind of a charity is this?

FILBERT: Well, it’s…

PINKERTON: Is it the one that says, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste"?

FILBERT: Actually…

PINKERTON: I like that phrase.

FILBERT: I don’t think that…

PINKERTON: Of course, we of the C.O.G. don’t let ANY mind go to waste!!

FILBERT: But Doctor Pinker…

PINKERTON: Observe now a demonstration of our greatest invention, the Sonic Mind Probe!!!


PENTATONIC: Yeah, Filbert, what’s this all about, anyways? You settin’ up some sort of tax-dodge?

FILBERT: No, it’s not like that. I’m…

telephone starts ringing…

FILBERT: Oh, goody, a call! I’ll get it… <Filbert tries to pick up phone and trips>

PINKERTON: <picks up phone> Hello? You want to what? Donate money to me? An excellent idea! You can help fund our vision of the FUTURE!


PINKERTON: Now then, where were we?

<phone rings>

PENTATONIC: I’ll get it. <picks up phone> Hello?

DEATH: Doctor Pentatonic?

PENTATONIC: Yo, D! <covers up receiver> Hey youse guys, it’s Angelo Morte!

DEATH: Where’s the insurance money you owe me, Pentatonic… the death insurance?

PENTATONIC: Oh, uh, I can explain everything… oh, wait I’m getting another call on the other line… <hangs up phone> Uhhh, guys, I gots ta warn ya, I think we’re gonna get a little visit from the reaper, and he’s soundin’ pretty grim

PINKERTON: In that case, I think we should break out the heavy metal artillery!


<midway through the song, the phone rings>

DEATH: Hello again. You three are dead as soon as I find where I put my car keys…

PENTATONIC: Screw you! <shoots phone>


PENTATONIC: Geez, Pinkerton, I guess everybody must eventually succumb to the icy touch of the Angel of Death, even us. There’s just no way to avoid it.

PINKERTON: Not so, Pentatonic!! Witness the crowning achievement of the C.O.G.!!! ARTIFICIAL LIFE!!! This cyborg succubus won’t succumb… unless you ask nicely!


FILBERT: You guys are messing up my telethon!!

<phone rings>

PINKERTON: <picks up> Hello? This had better be relevant!

CHUCK: Uhhhh, hello?

PINKERTON: What do you want!??

CHUCK: I’d like to order a large pizza with everything on it, to go.

PINKERTON: Pentatonic, it’s for you. <in background, turns back to arguing with Filbert>

PENTATONIC: Uhhh, yeah, large, everything on it. Yeah, I got the address. Do you want any milk with that?

FILBERT: Milk!!?!

PINKERTON: Why yes, Filbert! Not only does milk compliment any cuisine, it also happens to be the most insidious liquid known to man! ATTEND!!!!


FILBERT: I can’t believe how evil you guys are.


FILBERT: I mean, to slander milk like that, that’s just evil.

PINKERTON: Well, if you think that’s evil, that’s NOTHING compared to the Evil One itself!!! You see, Filbert....


FILBERT: You two have completely ruined my telethon!!!

PINKERTON: Filbert, I’ve had about enough of these philanthropic tendancies of yours. I’m warning you…

<phone rings again>

FILBERT: I’ll get it this time!!! Whoops… Oh farganargle!

PINKERTON: That’s it! I’m putting an end to this NOW!!


PINKERTON: That’ll teach that goody-two-shoes!! Filbert, you’re grounded until Halloween, when we shall venture forth to Jimmy’s Music Club to once again malign your meager minds with our mastery of science!! Go, now, and warn your friends and families!! The C.O.G. has spoken!!

ALL: C.O.G.!!!

PINKERTON: Enough! Back to the lab you two… you, Filbert, are in very severe trouble…

© 1999 The Consortium of Genius.  All Rights Reserved.