Filbertitis ver. 12/6/09
Pinkerton: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself for soon, my name will be a household name. I am Doctor Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius, a group best known as the C.O.G.!
Pinkerton: And YOU can count yourselves as lucky - for by the very act of being here at this lecture, YOU have insured your own survival! Speaking of which, Dr. Z - have you successfully weaponized the H1N1 virus?
Z: Oh yes. Here it is in this gas capsule! Be very careful with that capsule.
Pinkerton: Of course I'll be careful! Well, what are the symptoms of this wonderful new virus?
Z: Well, you start seeing yellow and red spots before your eyes. The spots start swirling and swirling around... then everything goes black!
Pinkerton: Mwahahahaha! Excellent! My plan to cull the population of this region shall soon reach its ultimate fruition culminating in a new C.O.G. order! It shall be like a replay of ... the BLACK PLAGUE!
Pinkerton: So how is everybody feeling here tonight? Don't worry; you should all be quite safe in here, so long as this capsule is safely contained. Just don't leave this room - unless you want to meet the icy touch of DEATH!
Pinkerton: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's my distinct displeasure to introduce my young acolyte, Filbert Snodgrass, junior scientist in training. Uhhh, Filbert... what are you fooling with there?
Filbert: It's my Dungeons & Dragons character sheet!
Pinkerton: How many times have I warned you about living in the past?
Pinkerton: Filbert, this fictitious fantasy will not help you once I succeed in killing off the reamining populace! In fact, you've been slouching around the lab too much these days, and I think it's time you figured out your FUTURE in the new C.O.G. order!
Filbert: You mean a job?
Pinkerton: Yes Filbert! Surely you have some idea what you want to be when you grow up?
Filbert: I want to be a vampire pirate!
Pinkerton: Filbert, you idiot. You must be more realistic! Vampirates are so desperate these days that it's tough for them earn an entire bucket of blood. You should be drinking something more healthy and evil for you - like MILK!
Pinkerton: I'd advise you ALL to drink MILK as well... it's good for your BONES. 9 out of 10 skeletons agree! Let me start from the beginning...
Pinkerton: Now then, as I was saying... Filbert! You need to shape up and get a job!
Z: I've got a job for him! All he has to do is wear this bomb, and it is also required for him to wear this turban.
Filbert: Do I HAVE to wear the turban? It smells a bit funky!
Z: I think you'd be perfect in this job.
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, you idiot, Filbert wasn't born in the mid-east, he was born in the south!
Drumbot: Hey Filbert, come over here. I've got a little idea for you. Ever thought of becoming a robot?
Filbert: Well gee Drumbot I never considered that actually!
Drumbot: Yeah, and by the way you won't have any problem meeting women either. Know what I'm talking about Dr. Pinkerton?
Drumbot: So what do you think Filbert? Want to be a robot?
Filbert: OK, sure I'll become a robot! What do I need to do?
Pinkerton: Well, we just take your brain out of your skull and install it in the robot body...
Filbert: Wait, you have to take my brain out? I don't know...
Pinkerton: Relax Filbert, it's perfectly safe. Here, let me show you - Dr. Z, kindly fetch some erstwhile member of the audience...
Pinkerton: This brain is useless! It's as if the my new weaponized plague has already been deployed! But that's impossible, as I have the capsule safely within my hands. And now, Filbert - with my genius, I have finally figured out what your job will be... YOU, Filbert will release my plague upon the world! But first, take this.
Dr. Z: What have you given him, something to counteract the virus?
Pinkerton: What do you think I am, a GOOD doctor? No, this is merely a Placebo
Pinkerton: Well, that's it! All we need to do now is release the virus into the surrounding countryside. Filbert, hold this <gives him the virus capsule> Now pay careful attention while I read the instructions. <Pinkerton reads instructions>
Put on protective gas mask.
Filbert: Put on protective gas mask.
Pinkerton: First, grasp cylinder with left hand.
Filbert: Grasp cylinder with left hand.
Pinkerton: Turn valve on top counterclockwise.
Filbert: Turn valve on top counterclockwise.
<sound of escaping gas is heard>
Dr. Z: Uhhh, Dr. Pinkerton, I think Filbert is
Pinkerton: Silence Dr. Z! You know how easily distractable Filbert is, and this must be done RIGHT. Now then. Wait 5 minutes for gas to disperse.
Filbert: Wait 5 minutes for gas to disperse.
Pinkerton: Then we can party!
Filbert: Then we can party!
Pinkerton: Now, Filbert - I order you. Go out into the great outdoors, and following the instructions that I just read you, carry out my commands! Wait 10 minutes, then open the virus capsule! Soon, the world will be mine!!!
Filbert: Do you have another virus capsule? This one looks like it's just about out.
Pinkerton: WHAT?!? Dr. Z why didn't you tell me what Filbert is doing you idiot! Quick, what are the symptoms of the virus?!
Dr. Z: Well, you begin seeing yellow and red spots...
<spots appear on the screen>
Dr. Z: Then the spots start swirling and swirling around...
<spots begin moving around>
Dr. Z: Then everything goes black.
<all the lights go out>
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