C.O.G.: Final Exams 1.2 5-2-02


Drumbot: Iíve just gotten word that your new permanent subsitute teachers have entered the building. Now all rise for a prayer.


Pinkerton: Now that I have you attention, students, we of the C.O.G.


Pinkerton: ... yes, quite, have taken over the school system! All your Ďnormalí teachers are now unfortunately DEAD, so a short refresher course is in order. The first topic will be MUSIC HISTORY. I, Prof. Pinkerton, invented music as you know it today. Yes, I believe I have a question?

Shill: Prof. Pinkerton, you say you invented music?

Pinkerton: NO YOU IDIOT, I DID NOT CLAIM TO HAVE INVENTED MUSIC!!! Such a claim would be quite morally wrong. Now pay attention! I didnít invent MUSIC, I invented modern music! Now, rock and roll music was invented by my great grandfather, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton the first! It sounded (puts on Elvis glasses) just like this!


Pinkerton: (taking off Elvis glasses) Now then, students, do you hear the distinction? Not only was this so-called rock and/or roll music abnormally long, but it bore no resemblence to modern rock waveforms whatsoever! However, that changed overnight in 1974 with the invention of... what? Does anybody know what was discovered in 1974? Anyone? Anyone?

Lots of answers are undoubtably fielded by the audience

Pinkerton: Wrong, wrong, all wrong. Dr. Z, bring out the object in question, and we will demonstrate its usefulness in a musical context.


Pinkerton: Now that you have all heard this concise though perhaps misogynistic explanation, NOW can anybody tell me what this object, invented in 1974, is called?

Audience: a cowbell?

Pinkerton: WRONG AGAIN, idiot! What on earth does this have to with a cow?!?? NOTHING! As Iíve just finished explaining to you all, itís the left rentricular vertibrae of an android woman! Arrrgh, itís like trying to educate a brick! I give up. Dr. A, YOU teach them the next topic. Students, your substitute teacher is Dr. A. I QUIT!

Dr. A has his back turned and is mixing some stuff in a metal cup. Pinkerton starts stalking off. Z stops him sweet-talks him into relenting. When this doesnít work he slaps him around a bit.

Dr. A: (turns around, startled) Uhhh, yeah students. Welcome to chemistry class. Iím Dr. A - but you can call me Al. Al Caholic. OK, today weíre going to be making something the ancient Vikings called a White Russian. OK, you need Kalhua, Vodka, more vodka, and cream or MILK. Since we donít have any cream, Iím going to skip the milk and get right to the important part, the vodka. (He throws the MILK carton over his shoulder and starts guzzling straight from the bottle)

Pinkerton: Skip the milk? Why Dr. A, some of the most significant figures in history drank milk! Attend!!!


Pinkerton: OK, Dr. A, I believe youíve had quite enough milk. Now then, on to the next topic. Does anybody know what year I invented the drum machine? Anybody? Anybody?


Drumbot raises his hand. Pinkerton scans the crowd...

Drumbot: Prof. Pinkerton?

Pinkerton: Yes, I believe I have an answer from a metallic student in the back. Drumbot?

Drumbot: Can I teach now? I know many things - like how to kill the humans, many at a time...

Pinkerton: No drumbot, you need to sit still and behave just like the other students! Donít make me turn your screen to face the wall!

Drumbot: This is unfair! You never let me do anything! I refuse to play any more drums until you let me talk!

Pinkerton: (holding up drum machine threateningly) Drumbot! Iím warning you!!! Donít make me use the drum machine on you!!!

Dr. A and Z scramble to avert this threat...

Dr. Z: Ohhh, Dr. Pinkerton, please let mr. Robotman talk, what harm could it do?

Pinkerton: Alright, just this once. But Drumbot - youíd best be on your best behavior. Now Iím going to go to the teacherís lounge for a cup of coffee. You two keep an eye on Drumbot till I get back, and make sure he doesnít get out of line.


Drumbot: (before song) Attention, human students! The school is now under my control. You will now pay attention or DIE! Dr. Z, kindly activate the drum machine for me - or else!


At the end of the song, Pinkerton Ďunplugsí Drumbot, causing him to drop from the screen.

Pinkerton: Next semester, Iím not admitting any of HIS KIND into this school! Especially now that I can replace him with THIS DRUM MACHINE!!!

Dr. Z: Thatís a horrible idea! Why would we do it?!??

Pinkerton: Because, weíre scientists!


Pinkerton: Dr. A, I saw some of those surveillance pictures, and - did Nurse P. Nutt sexually harass you?

Dr. A: Oh, no, no way Pinkerton. Thereís nothing wrong with her ass!

Dr. Z: (pulling Pinkertonís sleeve) Dr. Pinkerton, we must plug Mr. Robotman back in! Without electricity you have sentenced him to an early death!

Pinkerton: Well, in that case, (plugging Drumbot back in) Death to the Angel of Death!


Pinkerton: Students, welcome to biology class. It is time now to study a part of the body we rarely see, an important bodily organ that is normally concealed where the sun doesnít shine. Do any of you students have any idea what part of the body Iím talking about?

students yell out various answers...

Pinkerton: You are all absolutely correct. The subject for the next hour is THE BRAIN, and your teacher this hour will be Dr. Z. Now then, would anyone out there care to pass their brain to the front of the class so we can begin?

Dr. Z: (irritably) Professor Pinkerton, I am ready to begin the lecture as soon as I have the brain specimen...

Pinkerton: Yes well, as we appear to have an uncooperative bunch of pimplely-faced oxy-morons here, it seems that we will have to procure the brain specimen forcibly from... YOU! Get up here. Youíre punished!

student begins to protest...

Pinkerton: Silence! Now sit right there and donít move. Dr. Z, prepare the Sonic Mind Probe! We shall kill two birds with one proverbial stone. (to audience) And youíre all going to get a bit of free pre-med schooling! (to student) Do you know what a Lobotomy is? No? Well donít worry. This wonít hurt... me!


Pinkerton: Now it is time to return to more cerebral matters - namely, the BRAIN, students. Now then, I would like you all to meet your teacher for this eveningís brain-ology lesson. Please pay careful attention, as he only just moved to this country and doesnít speak very clearly.

Dr. Z: Hello everybody! I am Professor Zaemon Abdul-Siddartha-Mohammad-Achmell-Tutmos-Abram-Ali-Hermes-Odin-Mahatma-Dahali-Martin-Luther -Hussein-Kali-Rocka-Babu-Haegiegi

III. But you can call me Professor Abdul-Siddartha-Mohammad-Achmell-Tutmos-Abram-Ali-Hermes-Odin-Mahatma-Dahali-Martin-Luther -Hussein-Kali-Rocka-Babu-Haegiegi III. Today we are going to be examining the brain. If you donít have a brain, you may look off of the student next to you.

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, here is a brain to teach with, fresh from the cafeteria.

Dr. Z: Very good... now then students, notice the pliable quality of this brain. This is the sign of a weak western mind. You must be resistant to these bad cultural influences that lead you astray from the path of Allah, into the snares and traps of heavy metalheaded music... why just look at all these unmarried women, and not a veil in sight! It is quite a shameful day indeed...

Pinkerton: (interrupting his rant) Now Dr. Z, you were supposed to be lecturing about the BRAIN! This isnít social sciences, after all...

Dr. Z: But professor Pinkerton Iím a terrorist, not a doctor! Oh dear, I have said too much...

Pinkerton: *sigh*. Well then I suppose I shall have to do it. Dr. Z you can still assist me in delivering this discourse. Please drop for me a fresh beat with which I can bust a dope rhyme.

Pentatonic: (distracted) What kind of rhyme?


Pinkerton: Now then, I see by my watch that it is time for P.E.

Dr. A: Hey, that reminds me! I think I have to P.E. right now...

Pinkerton: Sorry, Dr. A, your nitrogenous wastes will have to wait! What I refer to is physical exertion, in the form of vigorous dancing!

Dr. A: What if you donít want to dance, or you CANíT dance, like Dr. Z over there?

Pinkerton: Let me put it this way... Dance, or DIE!!!


Pinkerton: OK, the next class is socio-economics. Dr. Z, since you did so ABYSMALLY POORLY in your previous teaching attempt, I will give you a second chance.

Dr. Z: Oh thank you Dr. Pinkerton, may the light of Allah illuminate your lab! Now then, young martyrs, it is time for socio-economics class. Now the best way to DESTROY lots of people is to strap large bombs like this one around your chest. (opens the lunch box) If you conceal them in a brassiere they will be that much harder to detect... (puts bomb in a bra and holds it up)

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, what, what is this?!?!!??

Dr. Z: Sallah! Iím trying to teach these dust mites something useful and destroy America!

Pinkerton: But donít you people see that destruction is what drives the gears of the western world? Let me have this lecture topic... on mass production und mass destruction!


Pinkerton: Ahhh, such wonderful destruction... of young minds! Look at them all, standing there in rapt attention, the drool glistening on their gaping grins... I do believe weíve done it!

Dr. A: Done what Pinkerton? Hypnotized them with physics?

Pinkerton: No, we...

Dr. Z: Oh, we have mezmerized them with our research?

Pinkerton: No you two idiots, we blinded them with science!!!!


Pinkerton: Damn, thatís the bell. Well, that concludes another hellish day of higher education. For extra credit, you can report to the back of the room, where Nurse P. Nutt has some study materials for sale - CDís, tshirts, and videos. Those who do not purchase them... donít be suprised when you see your report cards! Class dismissed!

Pinkerton starts walking off...

Dr. Z: Ooooh, donít leave students, I'd like to know if anybody has seen my missing dog. (he holds up a 'missing dog' sign, lettered in ARABIC) Anybody out there...

Pinkerton: Oh, Bob, I mean, Dr. Z, I almost forgot to tell you. I found your dog this morning.

Dr. Z: Oh, you found my little Osama Bin Labrador!

Pinkerton: Yes, I found him on the road... under my front tire...

Dr. Z: Oh, bless you Dr. Pinkerton for finding my dog! Thank Allah he's OK!

Pinkerton: Errr, yes, um well before you get too happy, let me describe the circumstances...


Dr. Z: You have martyred my dog! You will pay dearly for this you infidel!!! etc...

Dr. Z chases Pinkerton offstage as the credits roll.


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