FRANKENCOG - ver. 0.91 - 7/27/05


Pinkerton: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press... allow me to introduce myself, for soon, my name will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius - a group best known as the C.O.G.!

All: C.O.G.!!!

Pinkerton: Yes, excellent. And welcome, one and all to the 30th anniversary... of my brilliant propensity for invention! For, ladies and GERMS, you are not here to watch a mere movie... you are here for MUCH more than that! Listen...


Pinkerton: Excellent. Now you're learning. Now then, my endearing minions... HOW is the world conquest coming along? Dr. A Rachnid, Dr. Z, are you almost finished work on... the CREATURE?

Dr. Z: Why yes, Dr. Pinkerton. But we could not agree on any part of the project, so each of us has invented his own version.

Rachnid: But Dr. Pinkerton... they are both missing the crucial ingredient - a brain! And all I have is this 'Abbey Normal' specimen.

Pinkerton: A brain do you say? Then we shall simply have to obtain one! Dr. Z, find me a suitable specimen from this audience!


Z: Problem solved, we have a working brain. Let us use it to activate my invention.

Dr. Rachnid: (looking at Z) But Dr. Pinkerton what good is a brain if you don't know how to use it?

Pinkerton: Ahh, excellent point Dr. Rachnid. Dr. Z, drop a dope beat and allow me to elucidate.


Pinkerton: Excellent. Now that we have a Brain, we can proceed. But wait, you said you EACH have been creating a creature? Hmmmm. Shall we perhaps divide the brain in half?

Dr. Z: I think we should put the brain into MY creature as soon as possible.

Rachnid: OK Dr. Z, here, you can have the Abbey Normal brain! Dr. Pinkerton, give me the working brain specimen.

Pinkerton: Not so fast! We shall examine the specifications of each of your creatures, and let the audience make the decision! Now then, Dr. Z... give me the specs to your... creation!

<Z hands Pinkerton a piece of paper, which he reads


Pinkerton: Now Dr. Z, that sounds quite aesthetically appealing, but aside from the obvious application of augmenting your harem, what good is this... Android Woman?

Dr. Z: Well, umm being a female, errr, she could possibly contribute in producing... milk?

Rachnid: Hrmph!

Pinkerton: What? You see fit to laugh at MILK? Dr. A. Rachnid, don't you know, some of the most evil, insidious overlords of all time have swilled MILK! Attend!


Pinkerton: Yes, MILK is important. Point well taken, Dr. Z. So, Dr. A Rachnid, how about YOUR creature? Does your invention produce MILK or possibly any alternate dairy product?

Rachnid: Well it doesn't produce MILK per se, but whenever I lift the sheet and look at its face, I scream!

Pinkerton: Excellent! I relish I Scream nearly as much as MILK!


Pinkerton: So, Dr. A Rachnid, what would it take to activate this creature of yours?

Rachnid: Oh, my creature is almost ready, Dr. Pinkerton. All I need is the brain, and an injection of this! <Rachnid holds aloft a big syringe>

Dr. Z: Let me see that! This is not real medication at all, it's just colored water!

Rachnid: Well, I was just looking for an excuse to jab somebody with a big rusty needle.

Pinkerton: You mean to say this is merely a Placebo?


Pinkerton: Now then, enough delay! It is time for you erstwhile people to decide your doom! Which one shouldn't we not activate? Dr. Z's 'Android Woman' or Dr. A. Rachnid's unspeakable creation? Once you decide, THEN it'll be time to party!

Rachnid: To what?

Pinkerton: To party.

Rachnid: I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.

Dr. Z: What are you talking about?

Rachnid: Shhhh! Watch this.

Pinkerton: What do you mean, you don't know what I mean? PARTY. P-A-R-T-Y. You know, festivities. With celebrations, confetti, paper hats, I Scream and the inbibition of booze. MUST I DEMONSTRATE EVERYTHING? Very well, hit it, Drumbot!

Science Party

Pinkerton: Now then, like I was saying, it is time to choose. Dr. Z's Android Woman... or Dr. A Rachnid's unspeakable creature. Which one? Left or right? A or B? Up or down? Right or wrong? You'll have to scream louder, I still can't hear you adequately!

Dr. Z: Mine! They are obviously screaming for mine.

<Rachnid gets up in Z's face>

Rachnid: You idiot! It is mine they are asking for.

<Pinkerton pushes them apart>

Pinkerton: My, I hadn't expected such a violent argument. Why, it's rather entertaining, isn't it! Reminds me of last night...

Science Fight

Pinkerton: That's it, I've had it, we'll just activate them both and watch what happens. Starting with Rachnid's design here.

<A gurney is wheeled in with a body on a table. The scientists put down their instruments and gather round the experiment. The cover is ripped away as the sounds of electricity and hideous machinery build in the background... it's Cos Solo. Suddenly, he comes to life and begins to kill everyone in sight! The rest of AvW come out onstage and proceed to slaughter all who remain.>

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