C.O.G. vs. the Giant Killer Robot - ver. 1.18/21/03
Drumbot: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight's symposium. I am Drumbot, your friendly neighborhood artificial cybernetic percussion organism. But you can call me Drumbot! I am here to introduce to you all three of the most evil humans to ever walk the earth. The Consortium of Genius, better known as the COG! Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Z!
song starts. Each band member comes out playing, at appropriate time. Drumbot continues intro.
Dr. A! And the leader of the COG, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton, III!
Pinkerton: Bad evening ladies and gentlemen! Allow me to introduce myself, for soon, my name will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius...
Dr. A.: Uhhh, Dr. Pinkerton,
Pinkerton: What is it, Dr. A? Can't you see I'm in the middle of an important lecture?
Dr. A: It's just that Drumbot already told them about that...
Pinkerton: Dr. A, you LOUT, let me make something clear to you. It is I who have the power, not you. And once I take over the world, the populace of the earth will bow, not to YOU, but to ME.
Pinkerton: Ahh, yes, the future. Who can calculate it? Well, YOU can, but only if you possess the Pocket COG-Q-LATOR. Everybody get them out, NOW. WHAT? You don't possess a COG-Q-LATOR? You'd better buy one!!! For if you don't, you will be defenseless when I conquer Earth with my new invention... the GIANT KILLER ROBOT!
Dr. Z: Uhhh, yeah, I've been meaning to ask, how far along is that stupid thing?
Pinkerton: It's not stupid, Dr. Z, merely mindless, not unlike Dr. A over there! Anyway, it was most perspicatious of you to ask, Dr. Z. It's nearly completely complete, except for the head. Observe.
Pinkerton presses a remote control button.
Computer: Lab-cam activated.
A picture appears on the back screen - a view of the COG hanger, where the Flying Car is usually parked. A GIANT headless ROBOT stands in the middle of the hanger, in shadow. The lights come on, revealing a shiny metal body. While Pinkerton's talking, the picture becomes a diagram, and various details of the robot are pointed out - missile launchers, atomic cannon, etc. etc. etc.
Pinkerton: And once we get its metaphorical HEAD together, we shall use it to utterly annihilate the old order... and then arise from the proverbial ashes to RULE A NEW WORLD! But first, we must destroy all the old things...
Pinkerton: Such lovely destruction... it pleases me to think of it! Of course, that still lies in the realm of the FUTURE. First we must complete the giant robot, and we will also need to procure a suitable BRAIN to place in it... Dr. A, have you seen the brain?
Dr. A: I ain't seen the brain.
Pinkerton: Where's that confounded brain? Dr. Z, what about you?
Dr. Z: Maybe if you described it...
BRAIN WRAP (shortened... start with snare roll, not with turntable)
Pinkerton: Perhaps we shall have to get the assistance of a fresh mind on this little brain quandry. I believe it is time to call upon a specialist. They call him...
Dr. A & Z: Dr. Payne!
Pinkerton: He is the doctor... of pain!
Dr. A & Z: Calling Dr. Payne!
Pinkerton: He'll tell us where to get a brain!
Dr. A & Z: Calling Dr. Payne!
Dr. Payne: Dr. Payne, reporting for duty!
Pinkerton: Dr. Payne, let me explain. We need a brain.
Dr. Payne: Are you insane? A human brain? With a full frontal lobe?
Pinkerton: Of course! The SONIC MIND PROBE! Bring it forward, Dr. Payne. And Dr. Z, kindly fetch me some fresh meat from the audience!
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, you are the accounting genius of the Consortium. Based on our current rate of income, tell me, how long until we complete the COG GIANT ROBOT?
Dr. Z: This calculation is far too complex for me to handle alone. I will require the assistance of the audience. Everybody, get out your COG-Q-LATORS! First one to get the answer, shout it out loud!
Pinkerton: I'm waiting for an answer, Dr. Z...
Dr. Z: Let's see. Three of us... at a per capital income rate of $111 / year, with a minimum harem requirement of 33 womens, ... etc. etc.
[calculation will go here... answer comes out to be 333 years.]
Dr. Z: At our present rate of income, the robot will be finished 333 years, give or take 36 seconds.
Drumbot: Haha! You pathetic humans will all be dead by then!
Pinkerton: Well then I say, DEATH to the Angel of Death!
Dr. A: Well, we're gonna die anyway, so I propose a toast! To liquor!
Pinkerton: Dr. A, please explain to me, what is so damn useful about ALCOHOL?
Dr. A: (soberly) Well Dr. Pinkerton, research suggests that the blood-thinning and cholesterol-lowering properties of ethanol in alcohol may ward off dementia, which is often caused by a blood vessel problem. Another possibility is that low levels of alcohol could stimulate the release acetylcholine, the brain chemical believed to facilitate learning and memory. Either way, alcohol tastes good and it's good for you, so bottoms up!
Pinkerton: I'm not buying THAT. Alcohol can't POSSIBLY be as good for you as, say, MILK!
Pinkerton: Perhaps if you drank more MILK, you wouldn't have to take so many pills!
Dr. A: But I LOVE pills! The little pink ones really get me off.
Pinkerton: What if I were to break it to you that most of those pills weren't real medicine at all? Dr. A, have you ever heard of a placebo?
Dr. A: Pimento? Placenta? Flamenco? What was the question again?
Dr. Z: I hate to interrupt this important topic, Dr. Pinkerton, but when we use this giant robot to ravage the earth, where will WE be safe? Iraq?
Pinkerton: No! But I was planning on telling you in a few seconds, Dr. Z. We of course shall have to relocate the COG Secret Lab to a remote location in the deep South.
Dr. A: The SOUTH? We're already in the south!
Pinkerton: I meant the EXTREME south, Dr. A! Listen and attend!
Pinkerton: Colleagues, if any of you idiots has a better idea on how to complete the GIANT KILLER ROBOT on a limited budget, I'm all ears.
Dr. A: Well, OK, Dr. Pinkerton. I've got a great idea that will put an end to all our troubles. But we'll need some supplies.
Dr. A hands Pinkerton a piece of paper, which Pinkerton studies...
Pinkerton: Intriguing! These plans are exacly the OPPOSITE of mine!
Dr. A: Yeah, but the best part is they don't COST anything. We can obtain everything we need right here for FREE.
Dr. Pinkerton takes out a cardboard box and starts putting random scientific parts into it.
Pinkerton: FREE? Are you sure? OK, let's see. Multistage axial compressor. Check. Sonic screwdriver. Yes, I do believe I have one of those right here. Flux capacitor. Check. Wait a minute, these plans call for a comb filter... which I do not currently possess. Dr. Z, obtain for me... a comb!
Dr. Z: Does anyone in the audience have a COMB? You sir, come on up here...
Pinkerton: Excellent. Sir, may I borrow your comb? Excellent... now then sir, what is your name? I see. And where were you educated? What? Sir, you lack even the most basic of credentials to be amongst geniuses such as we. GET OFF THE STAGE!
Dr. A: Why did you do THAT?
Pinkerton: Because, we're scientists!
Pinkerton peers at the instructions.
Pinkerton: According to these instructions, if science has anything to say about it, your 'invention' should be complete.
Dr. A: Yeah, it is. Happy birthday, Dr. Pinkerton!
Dr. A reaches into the cardboard box and pulls out the invention. It's a remote control with an antenna.
Pinkerton: A remote control for the Robot! Why, that's brilliant Dr. A!!! I knew I was sparing your life for some purpose, and this is it! Computer, activate lab video monitor!
Computer: LAB-CAM activated!
The screen turns on again displaying the shot of the Giant Robot in the lab.
Pinkerton grabs the remote control and furiously works the controls. Nothing happens.
Pinkerton: COGdammit, it's not working! I'll have to go back to the lab and switch the robot to remote operation. Then I'll use that remote controlled monstrosity to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Dr. A, hold the remote control.
Dr. A: Aye aye, captain crunch.
Pinkerton appears in the lab shot next to the foot of the giant robot. His voice is distant and echoey
Pinkerton: Dr. A, I'm at the lab now. I'm switching the robot to manual control.
Dr. A: I read you loud and clear. Hey Dr. Z, watch this, this'll be cool.
Dr. Z: Watch what? Oh, wait, I think I get it. Heheheheheh
Pinkerton presses the side of the robot's leg.
Pinkerton: (shouting) The robot is now on manual control.
Dr. A: Great. Oh, Dr. Pinkerton, I forgot to tell you something about my new invention!
Pinkerton: What? What did you forget to tell me, Dr. A?
Dr. A: That you're fired! Heads up!
Dr. A presses a lever on the remote, and one of the Robot's giant legs moves up and then steps on Pinkerton, squishing him flat! Dr. A tosses the remote aside.
Dr. A: See? I told you I'd solve all our problems! Now I can get all drunky.
Dr. Z: And I can get funky!
© 2003 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.