NOWFF '98: The Script
SET 1 - THE WORLD'S LARGEST GUITAR (Science Party, All I Wanna Do Is You)
Set opens with ALFRED introducing the show as usual... but then the curtain slides up to reveal...
ALFRED: What in the wild wild world of sports is going on here?
PINKERTON: Welcome, my evil colleagues, to the 17th annual evil junior scientist confabulation and clambake. My, but you are the youngest evil scientists I've ever laid eyes upon...
ALFRED: Excuse me Mr. Whoopee, but before you take out your 3-D BB... THIS is not a clambake, THIS is New Orleans Worst Film Festival 8! It's LADIES NOWFF!
WISSENSCHAFT and FILBERT are sort of distracted by the thought of WOMEN... but PINKERTON juts in -
PINKERTON: Never mind all THAT! And pay attention to the TOPIC AT HAND. Is this or is this not May 23, 1998?
PINKERTON: And is this not Benjamin Franklin superconducting electromagnet school?
ALFRED: What? No! Benjamin Franklin SENIOR magnet school... No CONDUCTING!
PINKERTON: No Conducting? How else are we going to mezmerize you with audio sonic spectacle?
ALFRED: I don't know how YOU're going to, but we're going to amaze and astonish you with 12 hours of the WORST films available...
PINKERTON: That's the problem exactly! You earth people are all IDIOTS! You're STUPID MINDS! STUPID! STUPID!!!
ALFRED: I've about had enough of you... we've got bad movies to play and
PINKERTON picks up the Mezmoronic ray and... ZZZZZAAAAPPPP!
ALFRED babbles incoherently as...
PINKERTON: Yes, now then, Lab Girl, escort this good fellow to the audience where perhaps he will learn a thing or three... now then, my fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself, for soon, my name will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. Better known as The COG!
World's largest guitar goes here...
Celebrate with Science Party...
PINKERTON: Ladies, he said, ladies... you know, we of the COG have a very special song to dedicate the all the LADIES out there...
All I Wanna Do Is You
Dr. WISSENSCHAFT: Uhhhhh... we're having some... technical difficulties. Why don't you watch this nice movie and we¹ll take care of this little... problem and that'll be... nice. Roll ‘em!
Movie 1 & 2
© 1998 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.
SET 2 - THE TIIIMMME DOOOOOOR!!!(Krazed Archer, Brain Wrap)
After the second movie, Dr. PINKERTON and crew enter, carrying a film reel that he's unreeling. WISSENSCHAFT is carrying garden shears, perhaps cutting the film into little bits...
PINKERTON: Now that all this Bad Film nonsense is behind us, good work with that circuit breaker, WISSENSCHAFT...
PINKERTON: We now have an important new scientific breakthough to exhibit, the TIME DOOR!!!
After Brain Wrap, the Men in Black appear! Tommy Lee stand in leads Amy off the stage, ALFRED addresses the crowd / PINKERTON -
ALFRED: Scuse me, but we're here from the motion picture academy, sector 6... we're going to take over from here...
PINKERTON: What government agency is trying to harass me now!!!
ALFRED: Of course, I can show you my credentials, just look right here...
ALFRED: Gets em every time... You're now going to sit right down in the audience, you're going to buy some nice concessions in the back, and you're going to stay there and enjoy the movie. Oh, and one more thing. Do yourself and favor and get yourself some hair mousse! Ladies and gentlemen, we have movie sign!
PINKERTON (wandering off stage): yes... a sign... the sign of the moose...
Movie 3 & 4
SET 3 - GREEN SLIME (Green Slime, Death to the Angel of Death)
PINKERTON: Our next invention, dear friends, is the latest, greatest intrusion into the soft drink market. It's green and toxic, like Surge, but more importantly it has a great new SLIMEY taste I know you're gonna loathe, so why not just avoid that crummy concession stand back there and...
ALFRED: THAT'S ENOUGH! YOU COME IN HERE, TRY TO RUIN IT FOR EVERYONE HERE, MAKE FUN OF MY MOVIES, AND NOW TRY TO SABOTAGE MY CONCESSION STAND. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU AND YOUR EVIL!
at this point, Lewis steps on pedal and all lines go over to tape...
PINKERTON: You have thwarted my proceedings for the last time! If it is war you want, it is war you will get!
BOOMING VOICE: ROUND THREE! FIGHT!
WISSENSCHAFT and FILBERT settle down for the entertainment, with popcorn.
ALFRED: How dare you interrupt the festival that me and my ancestors have planned for over a year! Zsa Zsa slap!
PINKERTON: You bring dishonour on yourself and the directors of all these great movies! Beaker kick!
ALFRED: Ohhhh, how I despise you, is there no end to your evil? Agar gouge!
PINKERTON: No, I know that my evil will go on! Iceberg punch!
BOOMING VOICE: FINISH HIM!
At this point FILBERT has picked up the slime to quench his popcorn thirst.
ALFRED: NOW IT ENDS, NOW!
PINKERTON (pointing at FILBERT): Godzilla! I mean, NO! FILBERT stop!
FILBERT starts to drink the SLIME...
PINKERTON: I have you now!
PINKERTON: Sucker PUNCH!
PINKERTON punches ALFRED off stage, who falls into the wings, with appropriate sound effects (Body Falling Down Stairs )
We switch back over to real voices...
Pinketon: What's happening to you FILBERT? Your hair is turning yellow...
Standard script here...
PINKERTON: FILBERT, that could have KILLED you. You know, Death can't be cured, YET. But it can be dealt with...
Death to the Angel of Death
FILBERT: Let's see who death REALLY is.
WISSENSCHAFT: Jeepers, it's the Archer!
ARCHER: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids, I mean scientists!
PINKERTON: Let's run for it Scooby, I mean FILBERT!
Archer pulls a BFG, scientists and Archer jog in place to running in place sound, then off stage as movie comes on.
Movie 5 & 6
SET 4 - THE SONIC-C-C-C MIND-D-D-D PROBE-E-E!!! (LoBoToMy, Die Barney Die!!)
PINKERTON: Now that that tripe is over with, Joel, your next invention is...
ALFRED (brandishing mop, rest of NOWFF behind him): GET OFF MY STAGE!
PINKERTON (mistaking him for janitor): Good, you're here, there's some slime down there I almost slipped in... oh, it's you again. Ladies, it's Mr. Bad Movie again.
Shaft music starts up in background
ALFRED: Yeah, I'm back and I'm BAD. Me and my friends are gonna kick your scientific butt back to Bunkie Louisiana!
Music grinds to a halt as PINKERTON says
PINKERTON: Ahhh, good, you're just the person I wanted to see. You know, it occurs to me that I've treated you sort of shabbily during this sordid affair.
ALFRED: Sort of...
PINKERTON: Yes, I'd like to make it up to you by giving you a chance to become a PART OF HISTORY. A very small part, but a part nonetheless.
The rest of the NOWFF staff is now trying to ward ALFRED off of this, holding up Wile E Coyote signs
(‘Just say NO,' ‘Don't trust him,' ‘Danger Will Robinson,' etc.)
ALFRED: OK, why not. You know guys, I sense that somewhere, deep down, he's got a good heart. Besides, if anything happens, I know that NOWFF is in good hands with you in charge.
Hearing the faint knock of opportunity, Crystal quickly shooes everyone off the stage
PINKERTON: Just have a seat, sit down, relax, here's a comforting mask for you. We're going to play you some soothing music... from the SONIC MIND PROBE!
Computer voice: Sonic Mind Probe, engaged.
After ALFRED is lo-bo-to-mized, his brain is scanned to see what is left.
WISSENSCHAFT: We now have a unique opportunity to study a lobotomy patient. This one doesn't seem to have wandered off yet!
The viewscreen comes on, Barney video appears!
FILBERT: My goodness, doctors, even the Sonic Mind Probe cannot destroy the horrors imprinted by Barney.
PINKERTON (observing video): I love you? What is this nonsense! Something must be done, I tell you! THIS BARNEY MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!
Die Barney Die
During the hate-fest, ALFRED, still mindless, wanders
around, trying to put his brain back in. As the song ends, he
unwittingly bumps into the Computer Bank, triggering the self-destruct mechanism...
COMPUTER: Congratulations. You have activated the self destruct device. You now have 10 seconds to reach minimum safe distance. 10...9...8...7...6...5..., uhhh 5... (video screen displays movie header counting down during computer countdown.)
Everybody (panicking): FOUR!!!!
COMPUTER: 4 3 2...
ALFRED: We've got movie sign!
Movie 7 & 8