Note: This original script was used, in more or less the same form, throughout our first two years of existence. Songs and bits were tacked on freely and the cracks were patched with improv. Afterwards, we started writing a new script every couple of shows, often parodying the other act(s) performing that night…

C.O.G. Premiere Performance Script: - rev 1.2 - 5/26/96

Note: words in all caps are to be heavily echoed.

The stage is set in the form of a press conference: tables draped with white cloth, glasses of water and pitchers awaiting. Room lights on, stage lights off. Several scientists (Keith and George, perhaps Kirk) are seated behind the table (instruments below the table drape level.)

Dr. Pinkerton walks into the hushed room. Several photographs are, of course, snapped.

Pinkerton: My fellow members of the scientific community, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself, for soon C.O.G. will become a household word. I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. It is your privilege to bear witness tonight to a series of scientific breakthroughs which, in my estimation, will rock the world. As it were. For several years now, we of the Consortium have been perfecting a means of utilizing sound in the form of a series of tones, music, as it were, as a lethal weapon. I believe a short demonstration will convince you all of the veracity of my claim. Observe.

A small cheap casio keyboard is produced and set atop the table. Pinkerton plays the intro to Ode on a Mass Spectrometer. On the ending power chord, the scientists seated at the table stand up as one and let loose the ripping sound from their guitars. The lights dim. Pinkerton's keyboard explodes. Stage lights kick on, red. Snow fills the monitor screens. Gradually as the note reverberates into the far corners of the room, the lights return to normal.

Pinkerton: That was but a small demonstration of the devastating potential of the Consortium's new invention, the Sonic Mind Probe. A more detailed explanation will shortly follow. But first, allow me to introduce my fellow scientists. On my right is Dr. Cornelius Smerlington, and to my left is Dr. Wolfgang Amadeus Wissenschaft. Dr. Sidweal is currently is in residence at the University of Texas in Austin, and Dr. Procyon was regrettably unable to attend tonight's symposium due to his new brain being accidentally shipped to California, but the cybernetic organism we have oscillating percussive waveforms is in fact using one of his old brains as a central processing unit, but...

At the sentence "On my right..." Keith and George and the 'Bot begin playing LoveKill, really mild at first, then gradually heavier and louder and louder. As the drums kick in in earnest, room lights are extinguished and stage lights flick on green and blue. The front tables are removed. The robot drummer comes to life, bashing away with abandon. A flashing computer bank stage right, monitor screens throughout the stage, and glowing test tubes and beakers stage left fill out the scene. By the time Pinkerton has reached the last sentence, the music is so loud you can hardly hear him. Just then, the telephone starts ringing. Pinkerton, of course, answers it...

Pinkerton: Excuse me, I have a call. Hello?

The band plays louder and heavier, as Pinkerton's phone conversation becomes increasingly psychotic. The room lights do not come back on, though white footlights (that were under the tables) come up at the end of the song.

Pinkerton: Damn long distance companies. Now then, where were we... Ah yes. My apologies if the views of my group seem a bit extreme. Such is only to be expected of giants of the scientific community such as ourselves. Now then, I believe we were discussing the SONIC MIND PROBE. Before the following demonstration of the device's capabilities I must advise you, ladies and gentlemen, that the only way to avoid permanent damage to your skeletal structures during the following experiment is to convulse your bodies in time to the low frequency waveforms you will shortly experience. I believe this process is commonly referred to as dancing. If you fail to dance you will inevitably die. Those who do not die immediately will be lined up and experimented upon.

Dance or Die blasts through the speakers, the light show going to strobes for the chorus parts of the song.

Pinkerton: For those of you unfortunate enough to have survived the last experiment, it is my privilege to reveal to you an important scientific breakthrough made only recently by the C.O.G. What I refer to is in fact a means of travelling through time, utilizing a device I have dubbed the TIME DOOR. Let us see what awaits us on the other side of the time continuum.

The screens light up revealing the following various pictures.

Hmmm, apparently we could bring through either this Cro-Magnon specimen... (picture) or perhaps this fellow from the 30th century (picture). Here we have a fellow from the 10th century who appears to have been in some sort of battle (picture). From his general attire and accoutrements I conjecture that this fine fellow must be some sort of archer. Hmmmm, who should we send through...? Who....?

Audience: Anyone but the archer!!!!

Pinkerton: The archer, you say? Very well. In my opinion, we should have gone with that fellow from the 30th century. Ah well, perhaps next time...

Pinkerton punches some buttons on the control surface of the device, which begins to shudder as a low frequency wave emanates from all directions. Lights dim as a green glow suffuses the outline of the TIME DOOR. As smoke pours forth, the Archer jumps through the DOOR. The drums kick in...

Pinkerton: Excuse me, sir, I realize this must be a bit of a shock. Would you mind explaining your role in history?

The Archer grabs for the mic and proceeds to explain himself. The time door remains open; knights in armor, the page, and the king stumble, confused, through the TIME DOOR and begin fighting / moshing to the musical mayhem. Eventually the 10th century mob is ushered back out through the TIME DOOR as the song ends.

Pinkerton: On, err, second thought... I believe the TIME DOOR needs a bit of work. Perhaps now would be a good time for me to mention the theory of Musically Assured Destruction... what was that?

Someone in the audience shouts "Play FreeBird!!!"

Pinkerton: You wanna hear WHAT? FREE BIRD? Shucks - I ain't even worked up a sweat yet! Yeeeeehhhaaaaa! Toin' it up! Yip yip yip...yeeeeehhhaaaaaa!

Free Bird is played to an unsuspecting crowd.

Pinkerton: Excuse me, I don't know what came over me. Now then, where were we. Hmmmm.

A whirring sound is heard, and from the computer bank a computer printout reels out of a slot in the front of the unit. Pinkerton tears the paper off and examines the contents.

Pinkerton: Well, it would appear from this data that the average level of intelligence in this room has increased by 17% since the start of this lecture. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! Well the C.O.G. has created a cure for intelligence: the SONIC MIND PROBE. Perhaps one of you erstwhile people would care to assist us in a demonstration. YOU! Put that paper down and pay attention! Now, have you, sir, been having any problems with your present brain?

Man: Well, I...

Pinkerton: Excellent! A perfect test subject! Why don't you join us in demonstrating the SONIC MIND PROBE for these good people...

Man: But I'm not even a sci...

Pinkerton: Silence! I'll do the thinking around here!

Dr. Pinkerton produces a remote control device and aims it at the unsuspecting member of the audience. A beep is heard as the device is engaged, and the man stands bolt upright and marches up to the stage. The man is led to a chair on stage and seated. A device is lowered over his head - the SONIC MIND PROBE. The device has a large speaker aimed into one ear, and a transparent compartment on the other side.


Pinkerton: I observe from your general condition that you are in dire need of medical attention. A quick lobotomy will solve everything - courtesy of the SONIC MIND PROBE! Meanwhile, for those of you suffering from intelligence who do not yet have your own SONIC MIND PROBE, I will detail a low cost alternative you can employ in the privacy of your own home!

The band plays LO BO TO MY. In the middle of the song, the sonic mind probe is engaged, causing the man's brain to squeeze out of his right ear into the transparent compartment. Pinkerton seizes the brain and slam dunks it into a jar filled with green liquid. The man is given a microphone and proceeds to join the band in the last chorus of LO BO TO MY. At the end of the song he attempts to leave the stage the wrong way, and has to be pointed in the right direction.

Pinkerton: I hope you all benefit from lobotomy as much as that man just did. Well, we have but one discourse remaining to lecture upon, the topic of theology and anatomy...

Smerlington: Dr. Pinkerton...?

Pinkerton: Nyessssss?

Smerlington: Dr. Pinkerton, some of the other scientists have been saying our next song is EVIL. Are we really EVIL?

Pinkerton: (staring at him) My dear Dr. Cornelius, EVIL, spelled backwards, is LIVE. And we all want to do THAT, now DON'T we.

Smerlington: (in a flat, hypnotized tone) Yes, I agree. It all makes sense now. What was I thinking.

The music starts up for March of the Skeletons.

Pinkerton: Allow me to start at the beginning. "In the beginning, there was EVIL... etc.

As the end of the song fades, the lights slowly dim lower and lower. Eventually the video screens, computer, everything flicks off, leaving the whole audience is engulfed in total darkness. Eventually the house lights come up, revealing Dr. Pinkerton missing, replaced by a skeleton in a lab coat lying on the ground center stage.

Keith's character: Well, I guess that's the end of the lecture. Goodnight everybody, drive safely, and beware the evil one.

Smerlington: Garaj Mahal's up next. Goodnight!

For the band follows rest and well deserved applause.