C.O.G. STAGE SCRIPT, VERSION 3.0b (REV. 2/17/99)
PINKERTON Lewis D’Aubin
FILBERT Chris Flattmann
PENTATONIC Jeff King
ARCHER Charlie Tumminello
ALIEN Amy Enyart
MIB 1 Chris Enyart
MIB 2 Charlie Tumminello
NOTE: Stage directions are generally enclosed in <carets>. Underlined sections are sequence starts.
Pinkerton logs in, then Filbert, without event this time. Next comes Pentatonic, who is initially recognized by the computer as ‘Antonioni Pentatonicci, reputed mobster’. Lights and sirens go off… Pentatonic threatens the computer with a gun. The computer re-recognizes him as ‘Dr. A. Pentatonic.’
PINKERTON: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will be a household word. I am Doctor Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius, better known as the C.O.G.!
<Pinkerton picks up the Mezmoronic Ray and waves it at audience>
PINKERTON: Perhaps you are wondering why I brought you all here. Well, soon you will cease to wonder, for within mere minutes you will lose all neural control over your motor reflexes! Filbert, engage the Sonic Beams!
DANCE OR DIE
PINKERTON: Pentatonic, you said that would work! And they're all still ALIVE!! This will never do!
PENTATONIC: <Shrugs> Sometimes, they're a little tough, y'know? Maybe we should rough 'em up a bit.
PINKERTON: You're almost as bad as Wissenschaft... say... where IS Wissenschaft, anyway? He's usually here by now... give or take a half hour or so....
PENTATONIC: Well, don't look at me. I got an air-tight alibi.
FILBERT: Me, neither.
PINKERTON: I know!! I shall use the Consortium's greatest invention, the TIME DOOR, to return to the last known sighting of Dr. Wissenschaft, and ascertain what became of him!! Let's see... ah, yes. October 2nd, 1998!!
<Goes to Time Door and sets coordinates>
PINKERTON: Now, to investigate!! Dr. Pentatonic, make sure Filbert doesn't get into any trouble. I'll be in touch via the COG-Link!
<Pinkerton leaves through the Time Door. Pentatonic closes the Time Door and presses some buttons.>
TIME DOOR 1999-998
<While Time Door is doing it’s thing, Pentatonic takes his gun and shoots out the ‘1’ in front of ‘1998’.>
FILBERT: Hey, what're you doin'?
PENTATONIC: Forget about it. I got a degree in... chrono-temporal displacement. Yeah. That'll take care of Pinkerton. And now for you. I'm gonna get medieval on your ass... literally!!
<Goes to the Time Door and presses some more buttons, which starts the TIME DOOR
TIME DOOR 1013-1999
PENTATONIC: (to audience) This here’ll be the perfect hit. Sure, there's a lot of witnesses, but who's gonna believe'em?!?
<THE ARCHER APPEARS!!>
ARCHER: WHERE AM I?!?!? WHO HAST SUMMONED ME HERE!! SPEAK!!
PENTATONIC: Hey buddy, um, listen up.
<Pentatonic puts his arm around the Archer, leading him away from Filbert.>
PENTATONIC: I got a proposition for youse. I need you to take care of the kid over there.
ARCHER: Dost thou wanst this painful or quick?
PENTATONIC: Uh, hows about painful? I could use a good laugh.
ARCHER: Then he shall suffer from <pulls out rat> the BLACK PLAGUE!!!!
<At the end of the song, the Archer throws a rat at Filbert, which misses him by a mile.>
PENTATONIC: You moron, you missed!!
ARCHER: I can't help it!! My depth perception is off!! It's my war wound!!
FILBERT: Um, mister? What happened to your eye?
<Towards the end of the song, the Time Door activates and the Alien appears.>
ALIEN: Greetings, Twentieth century humans. I come from the future, bearing... what the hell?!?
ARCHER: A DEMON!!!! KILL!!!!
<The Archer rushes the Alien, who subdues him with a Vulcan Mind Meld.>
ALIEN ~ STAR TREK MUSIC ~ TIME DOOR 1999-1013
ALIEN: I don't think so, Sparky. My mind to your... whatever. My, this is like using a jackhammer on Jello. Go in peace, and do no harm.
<The Archer stumbles into the Time Door, which is closed behind him.>
ALIEN: How wretched. Now then, where is Dr. Pinkerton?
PENTATONIC: He's uhhhh... gone for the day. Can I help you?
FILBERT: He's missing in time!!
ALIEN ~ COMPUTER SCANNER
PENTATONIC: <Waves his gun at Filber> One more woid outta you, Filbert.
ALIEN: No!! This is in error!! Computer!! Find Dr. Pinkerton!!
COMPUTER: Finding temporal coordinates… stand by…
<Time coordinates dial backwards to 998AD. Pinkerton is seen trying to find his way through a blizzard.>
PINKERTON: WISSENSCHAFT! CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME!??!
<Pinkerton’s voice is drowned out by the snowstorm>
ALIEN: Computer!! Set retrieval sequence!! Activate immediately!!
COMPUTER: Time door coordinates, locked and activated.
<Pinkerton comes through the Time Door, trailing fake snow and holding a flagon.>
PINKERTON: What a horrible experience!! I can only conclude from my journey that either SOMEONE <glares at Filbert, who protests his innocence> meddled with the Time Door, or Wissenschaft was dragged off by a Yeti. Oh, Filbert, I brought you a present.
<Hands the flagon to Filbert.>
FILBERT: Oh, boy!!
PINKERTON: On the fourth day of my investigation, I happened upon a Viking raiding party. After I proved my worth to them by demonstrating my intellectual prowess, with the invention of gunpowder, they let me in on the secret of their might in battle. There's some in that flagon, Filbert.
FILBERT: <Drinks some> It... tastes kinda weird. What is it? Some kind of potion?
PINKERTON: No, it's milk. Plain, ordinary milk!!
FILBERT: <spitting milk everywhere> MILK???!!!
PINKERTON: Why yes, Filbert! Don’t let the smooth taste fool you. Some of the most insidious overlords of all time have swilled milk! Attend!!!!
<During "Milk", the Alien first tries to get Filbert’s attention. Filbert almost knocks the Alien over with his bass. Then the Alien tries to get Pinkerton’s attention, but he’s lost in thought of MILK. Then Pentatonic. The Alien looks hard at Pentatonic, then pulls out a WANTED POSTER of Pentatonic and holds it up next to his head - a perfect match. Pentatonic shoots a threatening glance at the Alien, who then backs slowly away to the other side of the stage…>
PINKERTON: Well, now that that's over with, I think I need to take another look at the Time Door, to make sure it doesn't malfunction again... right, FILBERT?!?
FILBERT: But I didn't...
<The Alien pulls out a megaphone>
<All jump, noticing the Alien for the first time.>
PINKERTON: Where on earth did you come from?!? What ARE you anyway?!?
PENTATONIC: <whispers in Pinkerton’s ear> You want I should bend it a little, Dr. Pinkerton? Maybe grip its' head with the forceps?
PINKERTON: <whispers back> No, let's hear what it has to say first. Then, we might bend it. A little.
ALIEN: My work here is finished. I can now return to my proper time....
<The Men in Black appear! MIB 1 restrains the alien and starts to lead it off stage....>
ALIEN LED AWAY
ALIEN: (Trailing off as it is lead away) Stop. Wait. What are you doing. Don't touch me there. Get your grubby hands off me. I've got a green card. Once Zaltar finds out about this you're going to be in big trouble...
<MIB2 shoots a glance at Pentatonic, who looks away, pulling down his brim while whistling innocently. MIB 2 then flashes some ID at Pinkerton>
PINKERTON: What civic-minded nonsense is this?
MIB 2: WYES, Section 12. We'll take it from here…
PINKERTON: Where are you taking our new specimen?
MIB 2: Ah. If you gentlemen would just look right here, I believe I can explain everything....
MIB 2: [Explanation du jour] Now, why don't you stop all of this screaming and hollering and play something... I don't know, something with a little more... down home appeal.
PINKERTON: (with a bit of twang) Shucks, I ain't even worked up a sweat yet!! What do you wanna hear?!?
MIB 1: <Walking back on stage> No, that’s not right, here, give me that…
<Snatches Neuralizer back>
MIB 1: Can you just play a nice, soothing love song? Can you do that for me, and not screw it up? <Walks off>
PENTATONIC: <Shakes off Neuralizer> Hey!! Youse guys!! Wait!! You're taking the wrong one!! I got your specimen right here!! <Tugs at Pinkerton’s lab coat>
PINKERTON: (Dazed, staggering) Love, he said, that fellow mentioned love.... (Recovers somewhat) Ah, yes, at long last, love. A time when one's mind turns to happier things in life. Softer, rounder, more curvy things.... Y'know, those... thingies. What are they called again?
FILBERT: (Confidently) Pretzels!
PINKERTON: NO!! What ARE they... ah, yes, of COURSE!! WOMEN!! That's it!! Women.... (Suavely) And this one's for all the women in the front row, and beyond....
ALL I WANNA DO IS YOU
<Near the end of the song, Pentatonic, who has had quite enough, pulls a gun and aims it at Pinkerton. Filbert sees this and grabs the keyboard.>
FILBERT: NOOOOO!! LOOK OUT!!
<Filbert takes a mighty swing back and hits... Pinkerton.>
FILBERT: Oops.... Dr. Pinkerton? Are you all right?
PENTATONIC: PERFECT!! Pinkerton is dealt with, and now I can take over the C.O.G. with no interference!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Now all I have to do is learn how to operate the equipment from... (Realization dawns) Pinkerton. Oh, no. (Panicky concern) Dr. Pinkerton!! Speak to me!!! Are you all right?!?
PINKERTON: Where am I? What is this place? Where’s Lewis? (etc…)
<Pentatonic picks Pinkerton up and seats him in a chair and slaps him around a little. He then turns a harsh light on him and begins the cross-examination>
PENTATONIC: Alright, just the facts Pinkerton. Where were you on the night of the 12th?
<Pentatonic paces back and forth behind the chair, jabbing his finger out as he grilles Pinkerton>
PINKERTON: I don’t know.... I feel... odd. Confused....
PENTATONIC: Confused, eh?
PENTATONIC: Well, don’t just sit there, ya smart-ass. I want you to tell me everything you remember about the operation. Come on wise guy, start singin’.
<At the end of the song, Pinkerton stumbles a little, as if still dazed. Filbert goes to steady him.>
FILBERT: Dr. Pinkerton, are you all right?
PINKERTON: FILBERT!!! Get your grubby hands off of my freshly pressed lab coat!
FILBERT: He's cured!! This calls for a celebration!! LET'S PARTY!!!
<Pinkerton turns to Pentatonic, jabs his finger at him…>
PINKERTON: Aha! I’m on to you now, Pentatonic! Try to strand me in time, will you? Take all the credit for my inventions, eh? Well, you’re done, see? Finished, finito, caput! You’re no match for my most insidious invention, the GREEN SLIME!!!
PENTATONIC: Oh, yeah?
<Holds up Slime for all to see, then places it down in front of Filbert.>
PINKERTON: Yeah! After you drink this, you'll be nothing but a gibbering wreck, a mindless shell, willing, no, eager, to do my bidding!! Haha!
PENTATONIC: Yeah, right buddy, I got your mindless shell right here!
<While this is going on, Filbert pick up the beaker of Slime.>
FILBERT: Gee, all this excitement is making me thirsty.
<Drinks the Slime, with predictable results.>
PINKERTON: FILBERT!! NOOO!!
PENTATONIC: Thanks, Filbert. That was most entertaining.
PINKERTON: (Sarcastically) Yes, thank you, Filbert! Now, you force me to do this the hard way. Filbert, ready the Sonic Mind Probe!!
PENTATONIC: What's that?
PINKERTON: What is it? Why, it's our most fiendish invention!! It's a device which harmonizes sonic wave forms with brain wave patterns to a devastating effect!! At present, the Probe can only work on one subject at a time, such as... YOU!! Yes, you!! Get up here!!
<The subject is made to sit under the Sonic Mind Probe>
PENTATONIC: Do you really think I'm afraid of your little gizmo?
PINKERTON: You soon will be! (To the audience) For those of you who wish to replicate this demonstration, pay particular attention to the instructions we are about to provide.
LO BO TO MY
PINKERTON: Hmmm. The Sonic Mind Probe will have to be recalibrated before I can use it on you... <Turns to the Probe, with his back towards the audience.>
FILBERT: Uh, Doctors? Isn't what we just did... wrong?
MIND PROBE SEQUENCE
<Filbert backs into Pinkerton, ramming his head into the Mind Probe. Sounds are heard as Pinkerton’s body reacts as if to electrical shocks>
PENTATONIC: Don't tell me you still have morals?!?
FILBERT: What are "morals"?
PENTATONIC: Geez, Pinkerton, haven’t you taught this freakin’ douche bag anything?!?
<Pinkerton swings around, looking all "Elvislike"!>
PINKERTON: Now, hold on a moment... and watch yer language. We can teach young Filbert about morals.
FILBERT: (Excited) It works!! The Elvisator works!! My first successful invention!!
FILBERT: But, if something is wrong, doesn't that make it evil?
PINKERTON: <Taking off the Elvis glasses> Ah, Filbert, Filbert, Filbert. Don't you realize that evil spelled backward is live? And we all want to do that, don't we? If you want truly want to understand evil, you must go to the source!! You see,...
MARCH OF THE SKELETONS
PENTATONIC: Well, Pinkerton, let me explain something to you. My family... namely my Uncle DiLucca... believe that this little organization has potential. But, you do not possess the vision to use it to its most productive outcome. Therefore, they have instructed me to dispatch you with extreme prejudice and assume operational management.
PINKERTON & FILBERT: HUH?
PENTATONIC: (Frustrated) I'm gonna cack you and take over!! But, since I seem to be in over my head, I will have to call in a specialist.
<Pulls out cell phone and begins to dial.>
PINKERTON: I can deal with any two-bit assassin that comes crawling around here!! Do your worst!!
PENTATONIC: <Finishing his call> I already have. I have called our most successful hitman to deal with you. The Angel of Death NEVER fails.
<Starts to play ‘Taps’ lightly on the guitar.>
PENTATONIC: ‘Course it'll take a little while for him to show up....
PINKERTON: Do you think I'm concerned?!? Death can be dealt with.... LIKE THIS!
DEATH TO THE ANGEL OF DEATH
DEATH: Doctor Pinkerton, I have come to rub you out!
PINKERTON: But I’m right in the middle of a negotiation…
DEATH: Well you’re dead now, so shut up!
PINKERTON: You see, Pentatonic? Even the grim specter of Death can be conquered by the C.O.G.!!
PINKERTON: That, and extreme firepower!!
<Death rises!! Pinkerton hastily hands the gun to Filbert>
PINKERTON: Uh, hi, Mr. Death. I didn't do it! They made me do it! They're evil, you know.
PINKERTON: Um, sorry. You’re not going to try to kill me again, are you?
PENTATONIC: He can’t. Since the hit on you has failed, by contract he can’t take you out. But he’s got to take SOMEONE.... Filbert, I’m lookin’ at youse...
PINKERTON: I’ve got a novel idea!
<The Light Bulbs switch on with a ‘ding!’ sound>
Gentlemen... conference!! <The C.O.G. huddle quickly, then:>
PINKERTON: Mr. Death, we have decided to ask you to remove a menace to our entire way of life!! The Consortium’s way of life, anyway.
PENTATONIC: Someone, who I might add, the mob has been trying to off for some time now...
<Filbert pulls out a Barney ‘wanted’ poster>
FILBERT: Mr. Death, would you please kill Barney?
DIE, BARNEY, DIE
DEATH: <Looks at Barney poster> Agreed.
PINKERTON: Well, there’s our evil deed for the day. Now, on to our next subject....
<The Alien returns, with a MIB 1 in tow>
ALIEN THAT’S THEM
ALIEN: That's them, officer.
MIB 1: <Flashes ID again> Whatever I said before, Section 12. Listen, we’ve had some complaints about a possible copyright violation, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave the stage!
<Pulls out Noisy Cricket, while the MIB 2 comes on stage with the BIG GUN. Filbert hides behind the computer bank.>
MIB 2: Move along. Beat it. Scram. Don't look at me like that! Your mom is calling you. (To audience) Thanks for supporting evil music.
<The 2 MIB’s force the protesting Pinkerton and Pentatonic off stage. All is quiet. Presently, Filbert emerges from his hiding place, glances left and right, then wanders slowly over to Pentatonic's guitar. Gingerly he picks it up. He then produces a tape player, puts it in front of a microphone stand (where the keyboard was) and hits "play".>
ANNOUNCER (aka Filbert): Ladies and gentleman... FILLLLLLL-BERRRRRRTTTT SSSSNNNODDDGGGRRRASSSSSS!!!!
<At the end of the solo, Filbert hastily produces a rag and rubs it over the guitar as Pentatonic and Pinkerton return>
PENTATONIC: …Can’t belive it cost that much to spring us, and all I got was this lousy totebag.... FILBERT!! Put down that piece!! You want I should break you kneecaps or somethin'?!?....
FILBERT: <Returning the guitar> I was just polishing it....
PENTATONIC: ‘Allo? Yeah.... no... (to audience) Hey, did anyone here beep Keneetra?
PINKERTON: Thanks for paying off those government agents, Pentatonic. As a reward, I’ll permit you to live. Now then, the final subject of this discourse. You know, there have been a lot of recent reports of a ravenous beast roaming the wooded areas surrounding this institute. The following should serve as a warning to those of you who venture out alone...
MIB 2: <Butting in> Perhaps I could shed some light on this matter. The government is… aware of this disturbance and recommends the following course of action.
PINKERTON: Yes, well, now that I’ve got THAT out in the open, it’s time for my next subject, the proven existence of extraterrestrial life… right here, in this room!
<MIB1, the alien, and MIB2 begin herding the band off the stage>
MIB 1: Nope, I’m afraid that this little ‘lecture’ is over. Everybody move to the exits, nothing to see here, move along in an orderly fashion… go home… turn that camera off!
© 1999 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.