Pinkerton: My fellow members of the scientific community, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will become a household word. I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius, better know as the C.O.G.!

All: COG!!!

Pinkerton: Quite. Now it is your privilege to bear witness tonight to a scientific breakthrough which, in my estimation, will rock the world. As it were. For several years now, we of the Consortium have been perfecting a means of utilizing sound in the form of a series of tones, music, as it were, as a lethal weapon. Dr. Z, hand me the tape.

Z hands Pinkerton a cassette tape.

Pinkerton: Those tones, ladies and gentlemen, are recorded upon this very tape. And YOU, my estimable lab rats, will have the honor of being the very first guinea pigs I test it upon! Mwahahahahahaha!

Z: Dr. Pinkerton, don't you think we should be testing this out on Lab Monkey or Filbert instead? You're going to provoke another riot!

Rachnid: Yeah, these people came here to party, not to fight! Oy vey, it's just like last night...

Pinkerton: Indeed...

SCIENCE FIGHT

Pinkerton: That was then. BUT THIS IS NOW!!! Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING will be able to save you from the deadly musical contents of this tape!!!

Z: Not even... MILK?

Rachnid: Yeah, Dr. Pinkerton, you yourself said that milk was quite powerful and evil.

Pinkerton: Very astute, Dr. A Rachnid, some of the most evil overlords of all time have... etc.

MILK

drumbot: Hey everybody, go to the bar now and order a White Russian! They contain MILK!

Pinkerton: Silence you mechanized fool! I require good test subjects, not a drunken mob! Isn't it bad enough that the contents of this tape only affect people that were born in the South?

Z: But Dr. Pinkerton, weren't YOU born in the South?

SOUTH

Pinkerton: Of course, when I said ‘South' I really meant Antarctica.

drumbot: Uhhh, Dr. Pinkerton, I wasn't paying attention. What does that tape do again?

Pinkerton: I'm glad you asked that question, you insolent iron imbecile! The sonic contents of this tape have been formulated to be LETHAL to human flesh. Why it's practically the audio equivalent of the Black Plague.

All: The WHAT?!??

Pinkerton: THE BLACK PLAGUE

BLACK PLAGUE

Z: Dr. Pinkerton, don't you think we should inoculate ourselves against this sonic virus before deploying it?

Rachnid: Yeah, have you even tested it?

Pinkerton: Of course not! It should work the first time, because I designed it!!!

Z: I think I'll go get a test subject.

Pinkerton: YOU go get a test subject, and make it snappy! I'm a busy scientist. Now then, Dr. A Rachnid, hand me the control medication. Excellent.

The guinea pig gets onstage and we seat him/her.

Pinkerton: Hello! Now then, are you legal age? Excellent. Are you currently smoking? Drinking? Having regular sexual intercourse? Yes? No?

Rachnid: says something clever here

Pinkerton: Quiet minion! Now then, are you allergic to sugar tablets? No? Excellent, then take one of these.

Z: What did you just prescribe?

PLACEBO

Pinkerton: The subject, as you can now see, is fully medicated.

Rachnid: He/she was like that already!

Pinkerton: Silence! Now then, my fine feathered friend, how are you feeling?

Test subject says something

Pinkerton: I see! Well, I have just the cure for that. A lab coat will cure what ails you!

LAB COAT

Pinkerton: No wait, don't hit the town, on second thought, we need you to remain right here! Now then, Dr. Z, put the headphones on our estimable guinea pig. Dr. A Rachnid, hook the jumper wires to the walkman. Now... engage the recording!

PLAY button is pressed on the Walkman, and the subject is subjected to a few seconds of loud music.

Pinkerton: What is this?!?? No effect?!?? Dr. A Rachnid, fetch the Sonic Mind Probe!!! We shall examine the subject's brain firsthand for damage. For those of you who do not yet possess you own Sonic Mind Probe, I shall detail a low cost alternative that you can employ etc.

LOBOTOMY

Pinkerton: Ha...hahaha hahahahah! You laugh now, but as soon as I play this tape aloud, you will all come to envy that brain dead buffoon! Dr. Z, have you patched the tape into the PA system?

Z: Ooooh yes.

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, prepare to play the tape!!!

Rachnid: Don't do it, Dr. Pinkerton! Think of the innocent people out there!

Pinkerton: Hahahahaha I am thinking of them, and it's making me a bit giddy! Start the countdown, Drumbot!

Drumbot: 5... 4... 3... 2.. 1

Pinkerton puts his fingers in his ears

Pinkerton: Press play now, Dr. Z!!!

FUNKY FRESH

Pinkerton pulls his fingers from his ears about halfway through. Incensed by the funky freshness, he leaves the stage and comes back with Z's scimitar. Dr. Z protests his innocence, to no avail.

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, this is the last time you cross ol' Pinkerton! How does that expression go? "An eye for an eye... a brain for a brain!" Now, Dr. Z, bow to me!!!

Z kneels down and begins begging for his life.

Z: I'm sorry I'm so sorry it will never happen again oh great Vishnu save me from this fate worse than...

Pinkerton: Goodnight, Dr. Zaemon Abdul Siddartha Mohammad Achmell Tutmos Abram Ali Hermes Odin Mahatma Dahali Martin Luther Hussein Kali Raka...

Filbert: Dr. Pinkerton, wait, before you kill Dr. Z, I need to get my tape back.

Pinkerton: Your WHAT?

Filbert: My cassette tape. I've been listening to Bhangra music lately and I taped my favorite new tunes over this old tape I found lying around and I think Dr. Z took it.

Pinkerton: FILBERT!!!! You incompetent imbecile! You raving idiot, do you know what you've done?!?? You've ruined everything!!! And now I'm going to ruin YOU! Come back here, Filbert! Uhhh, kindly distract the audience during the next few moments, will you Dr. A Rachnid?

Filbert sprints offstage, Pinkerton is close pursuit with the sword. Z regains his composure.

Rachnid: Hey everybody, have you heard about the new dance sensation that's sweeping the nation? Yes, they call it the Creep!

CREEP

Pinkerton returns with Filbert's decapitated head!

Pinkerton: Now what do you have to say for yourself, Filbert?

Filbert's head: Fargenargle.

Pinkerton: You'd all best pay attention, or you will ALL be saying that, too - in the future!

Bow 2 Me

Science Party