Int. Shot: lab. Pinkerton is pacing back and forth in front of his troops, seen first in silhouette - Dr. A, Dr. Z, Drumbot, Filthy, & Lab Girl.

Pinkerton: So! It has been 3 months since I locked the door to the Secret Lab. Remember that I vowed never to emerge again until I invented...

Dr. A: *cough*

Pinkerton: Ok, ok, until WE invented

Dr. A: *cough* *cough*

Pinkerton: Oh, go get your drink Dr. A...

Dr. A: Sir yes sir!

<Dr. A goes off the side of the screen and re-emerges with his bottle.>

Pinkerton: ...until the invention of an invention so inventive that the world would have no choice but to bow to the C.O.G. immediately. And now it is time to unveil it!!!

<Dr. Z pulls a silk kerchief from the new CD and shows is off like a game show host>

Dr. Z: You mean we’re going to unveil our great new CD, entitled In C.O.G. We Trust, now available in finer record stores, as well as that merchandise booth over there in the back?

Pinkerton: No, Dr. Z, that’s NOT what I was referring to. But since we’re on the topic, it’s brand new, it’s available here for $5 less than the retail price, and it makes a great gift! An instant classic!!! <tosses CD away> But the topic at hand is really our evil new C.O.G. invention... hopefully something that will also rid the world of all those idiotic music critics!

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, what have you come up with?

Dr. Z: Oh, well what I’ve got here is a great new weapon. The Dr. Z shoulder-fired short range nuclear RPG!

<Dr. Z pulls out the ‘Z weapon of mass destruction’>

Dr. A: Oh, just what the world needs, a new role playing game.

Pinkerton: No, not that type of RPG, you idiot. Ahhh excellent work Dr. Z! Such craftsmanship! Now then, tell me, Dr. Z, what is the blast radius of this wonderful new weapon?

Dr. Z: Almost two miles!

Pinkerton: Excellent! Why, you could destroy a small city with this! Mooohahahaha. What’s the effective firing range?

Dr. Z: Almost a mile!

Pinkerton: Wait a minute, you mean to say... that the range... is actually less than the...

Dr. Z: errrr, ummmm <Z starts muttering about the ‘martyrs brigade...’>

Pinkerton: Dr. A, you like shooting guns, don’t you? I could use your help in testing out a brand new weapon which...

Dr. A: OK ok, but not until you check out MY new invention.

<Dr. A hands Pinkerton the space helmet, which is hooked to the Terrorscope.>

Dr. A: See, I was trying to get download some pornos into the Visorscope by hooking it to the Radio Terrorscope when I accidentally discovered a great new invention - TERRORVISION!

Dr. Z: What, you mean like the Al-Jazeera channel?

Dr. A: No, not terrorISM! Terror-VISION. See, you put this thing on your head and distills your worst nightmare, right into this bottle here. Watch.

<Dr. A puts the visor on and we get a montage of images... empty booze bottles, a ‘closed’ sign on a bar, rehab clinic etc.>

Pinkerton: Eh? Well that’s not very frightening.

Dr. A: Maybe not to you...

Pinkerton: Here Z, you try it on.

<The screen shows patriotic images, American flag, Jet fighters flying in formation, George Bush, etc. ‘America the Beautiful’ plays underneath>

Pinkerton: What is this? Is this station signing off for the night? This will never do. Oh Lab girl...

Dr. A: Well why don’t YOU try it on?

Pinkerton: NO! I mean, well, evidently, this great invention doesn’t work on... we geniuses!

Filthy: Lemme try it!

Pinkerton: Absolutely not! Drumbot, go forth and find me some test subjects! With the brain alcohol distilled from their worst nightmares, we could... TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

Drumbot: Roger roger!

Dr. Z: How is that going to help us take over the world? Dr. Pinkerton...?

<Drumbot rolls off and appears on his stage screen>

Drumbot: Hey Dr. Pinkerton, come out here. I see a LOT of test subjects out here!

Pinkerton: Excellent! Why, once I distill their worst fears, I’ll have... the POWER!

<The three scientists walk out onstage to the opening of>

POWER

Pinkerton: Excellent! The power of their minds shall be mine once we apply my brilliant new invention. Lab girl! Fetch me a guinea pig from the audience. And if you can’t find an actual pig of some sort, a human being will do. We need one who happens to be suffering from nightmares.

<Dr. Z grabs someone from the audience>

Pinkerton: Now then, sir, what is your name? Yes yes I see. And do you suffer from involuntary dream disorder? Excellent. You are a prime candidate for treatment. Have a seat. Please fill out these forms?

<Pinkerton hands the subject some nightmare-donor forms to fill out>

Pinkerton: Now then, Dr. A, what sort of nightmares do you postulate make the best fuel for the Terrorvision helmet?

Dr. A: Oh you know, ghosts, demons, dirty needles, someone drinking your booze, that kind of thing...

Pinkerton: Ahhh. Let’s see what the test subject has written down. <rips the paper away> What is this?!?? A dancehall of the undead? Skaletons? This will never do! Get off my stage! Huh.

Dr. A: Yeah, but you still gotta wonder what that would look like!

SKALETONS

Pinkerton: Wait up for me, indeed. Who comes up with this trash? Dr. Z - get me a worthy victim this time! Somebody with some real issues. Chop chop!

<a MALE volunteer is procured.>

Pinkerton: I think we’ll dispense with the forms this time around! Now then, let us simply place this device upon your cranium and we shall see what there is to see...

<The helmet starts VIBRATING. The screen shows shots from ‘Addams Family’ and ‘Evil Dead’ - of a crawling severed hand>

Pinkerton: Why, I see nothing alarming here! Nothing to be frightened of. In fact, sir, next time you dream of this sort of thing, I have a little suggestion for you.

HAND

Pinkerton: Excellent! Let us see what we've collected here.

<Pinkerton pulls the vial from the machine. It now contains white liquid. Pinkerton looks at it quizzically>

Dr. A: Oh no, please tell me that's not what I think it is.

Pinkerton: <inspecting it> Yes, it does appear to be...

Dr. Z: Oh Dr. Pinkerton, you know I already have quite a lot of that...

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, how could one ever have enough of it? Cheers!

<Pinkerton takes a drink>

Dr. A: <revolted> Urgh, how can you drink that?!??

Pinkerton: What do you mean how can I drink that? This fellow is evidently of Caucasio-Russian ancestry!

Dr. Z: What has THAT got to do with anything?

Pinkerton: Idiot! It means that this drink is a White Russian! Which in this case is comprised of brain alcohol and skim MILK!

Dr. A & Z: MILK?!??

Pinkerton: Naturally! Why, some of the most insidious overlords of all time have swilled MILK! Attend!

MILK

Pinkerton: Enough of this drinkological dissertation, we must use the machine to extract more brain alcohol from these idiots! I'm... thirsty!

Dr. Z: But Dr. Pinkerton, isn’t it Morally Wrong to take advantage of the unwitting?

Pinkerton: I’ll show you what’s Morally Wrong!

MORALLY

Pinkerton: Now that THAT’s clarified, we need another test subject. Someone suffering from NIGHTMARES. Dr. Z, bring me another lab rat.

<Someone is brought up>

Pinkerton: What is this?!?? <Pinkerton starts measuring the subject’s head with a compass>

Dr. Z: Well, you asked for a test subject...

Pinkerton: This will NEVER do, the cranium is far too puny! Why, he hardly seems brainworthy enough to perambulate! I shall have to examine the cerebellum firsthand. Dr. A, fetch THE SONIC MIND PROBE!!! <in a soothing voice> Now then, sir, kindly sit right here...

LoBoToMy

Pinkerton: You see, it’s exactly as I theorized.

Dr. Z: What is?

Pinkerton: Must I explain EVERYTHING? Well OK. Drop the needle, and I shall fill you in...

BRAIN

Pinkerton: Enough lollygagging!

Dr. A: Enough WHAT?

Pinkerton: Lollygagging! You know, donnybrooking! These facts about the brain are all elementary! It’s just a lot of... flip-flappery!

Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, I know 69 different languages but I have no idea what you are talking about.

Pinkerton: You know, prevaricating around the bush! Look, I’m trying to take over the world here, and you’re holding me back!

Dr. Z: But why?

Pinkerton: Why do we do ANYTHING around here? I’ll tell you!

WHY

Pinkerton: You see? That's why we do it! Now, it is time to get the assistance of another esrstwhile member of this audience. Preferrably somebody with some REAL brain issues! Nightmares, as it were. You! Get up here.

Another member of the audience is brought up.

Pinkerton: Now then, sit comfortably sir or madam. Are you sitting comfortably? GOOD. I promise you won't feel a thing! Put the visorscope on the test subject, Dr. Z...

The visorscope tunes in images of DEATH. Pinkerton flips up the visor.

Pinkerton: Ahhhh! I see the problem. Now sir, I can certainly sympathise with this natural fear of the ANGEL OF DEATH. As your doctor I can prescribe an effective treatment... first of all, you need to learn a theraputic gesture that helps in many of these cases. Hold your hand aloft, thusly. Now form the fingers of your fist into a devil head like this! Then raise your fist and yell, DEATH TO THE ANGEL OF DEATH!!!

DEATH

Pinkerton: Now these hallucinations of DEATH may continue for some time. In the meantime, take some of these psychoactive suppositories, and don't call us. We'll call you!

Pinkerton starts to give the guy some pills which are grabbed by Dr. A, who downs them.

Dr. A: Hey, wait a minute, these aren't happy pills! These aren't even drugs at all... in fact, if I didn't know better, I could swear these were just brown M&M's...

Pinkerton: Excactamundo, Dr. A! What, do you think I'm in a hurry to get sued? I mean, haven't you ever heard of a Placebo?

PLACEBO

Pinkerton: That's quite enough toilet humor for one episode! I must have my BRAIN ALCOHOL!!! Ahhhh hahahahahaha...

<Pinkerton guzzles the fluid from the jar and puts it back, then begins pacing back and forth>

Dr. A: Dr. Pinkerton, are you alright?

Pinkerton: It's not enough! We need more... MUCH more BRAIN ALCOHOL!

Dr. Z: Enough for what?

Dr. A: Yeah, Dr. Pinkerton, I'm an expert at addiction and you're not handling this too well...

Pinkerton: Enough excuses! Get me another volunteer! NOW!

<A new volunteer is hastily pulled from the audience>

Pinkerton: NO DELAYS! Strap them in!

Dr. A: But shouldn't you find out first whether they've been having any high quality nightmares?

Pinkerton: SHUT UP! Pull the switch!

<The titles from the Twilight Zone appear>

Dr. Z: I remember this episode!

TWILIGHT ZONE

Pinkerton: This is outrageous! It is an outrage! I AM OUTRAGED! This idiot had nothing but low grade TV quality nightmares to offer! Besides which, look at the container now. It's no longer milky at all... in fact it appears to have degenerated into... GREEN SLIME!

Dr.'s A & Z: GREEN SLIME?

GREEN SLIME

Pinkerton: I...MUST...HAVE...MORE...BRAIN ALCOHOL!!!

Dr. A: Alright, Z are you thinking what I am?

Dr. Z: Oh yes Dr. A I've had enough of this too.

Pinkerton: Wait! Stop! What are you doing?!??

<A & Z throw Pinkerton into the examination chair and slap the helmet onto his head. It starts churning...>

Pinkerton: BBRRWWRRRTTTGGGHHHHIIIJJJJKKKLLLLMMMOPPPP

<The screen shows Pinkerton as a young child, at the zoo. This is all shown at child's eye level, his mother appears as a pair of legs and a hand reaching down from above screen. They walk up to a cage with a white bunny rabbit in it, and a sign that reads: "RABBID (LEPUS HORRIBILIS)">

Pinkerton's mom: Go ahead, Milo. Pet the fuzzy bunny!

<Pinker-kid stops to pet the cute fuzzy bunny rabbit. The rabbit's eyes open wide, blood red, and it's mouth opens to reveal large fangs! The rabbid rabbit lunges at the camera.>

<Onstage, Pinkerton screams, tears the helmet off, and runs off the stage in embarrassment & terror>

Dr. A: Oh good, now that he's gone, I can get all drunky.

Dr. Z: And I can get funky!

FUNKY

Pinkerton: Gentlemen, I've found a wonderful substitute for the brain alcohol, a substance that stabilizes my cranial neurons, allowing me to better deal with my deepest-seated anxieties. The bar in the back of the room hooked me up with this. The scientific term for it appears to be 'Mad Scientist Twenty Twenty'.

Dr. A: Alright, Drinkerton, now you're catching on... <toasts Pinkerton> Skoal!

Pinkerton: Dr. Z, kindly give us a little bassic music to imbibe by.

SCIENCE PARTY

Pinkerton: Well, that concludes another rotten night, wasted. We'd better get back to the lab...

Dr. A: Wait, I'm not completely wasted!

Dr. Z: But why do we need to get back to the lab? Because Dr. A's still safe to drive?

Pinkerton: NO!

Dr. A: Because we're scientists?

Pinkerton: NO! We already did that one!

Dr.'s A & Z: OK, why then?

Pinkerton: Because it's midnight!!!

BECAUSE ITS MIDNIGHT