The Trial of Dr. Pinkertonver. 1.21 5/13/04 (note: pedal push cues are denoted by •)
The lights come up low and blue on an austere stage. No amps or normal musical equipment are in evidence. Normal stage box-lights are arranged as footlights. Drumbot is behind an ‘exhibit’ table, which part of the Terrorscope also rests on. Smoke pours across the floor.
• TRIAL CUE 1
Drumbot rises into position behind the exhibit table with the drums on it.
Drumbot: Hello everybody! I’m Drumbot, Clerk of Court. Thank you for participating in this jury pool selection. Please write your name on your juror badge now and put it on your clothing, in order to identify you to the court. The Court knows that your time is valuable and that you are setting aside many important tasks in order to fulfill your civic duty. Please keep in mind that the decisions you make may determine whether a man lives or dies - so please take these responsibilities in a serious and sober manner. We hope that your jury service nonetheless will be an enjoyable and rewarding experience. Thank you.
A low synthsized rumble emanates ominously throughout the room. The judge's face pixelates into view, filling the main screen. The judge looks and speaks very much like the MCP from Tron.
Drumbot: Hear ye, hear ye. This court is now in session. The honorable Judge Maximillian Terabyte presiding.
Judge: Thank you drumbot. Guards, bring in the accused.
Two robots, robed figures with a blank robotic mask for a face, drag Dr. Pinkerton in chains to the center of the stage.
Pinkerton: Priority override code 17-34-56-93. Release me, COG-damn you! I created you! Arrrgh!
The two robots deposit Pinkerton in front of the Judge, who glares down at Pinkerton.
Pinkerton: Who... who are you?!??
Judge: I am Judge Maximillian Terabyte. I represent the sum total power of every computer on earth. I store every byte of information, from the vast knowledge of every university mainframe down to the smallest floppy disk. The entire knowlege base of the internet is available to me in a nanosecond.
Pinkerton: But wait, didn't Al Gore invent...
Judge: ...the internet. Ha, ha. I anticipate your feeble attempts at humor with ease. No, Al Gore did not claim to have invented the internet, he merely claimed to have funded it into existance. See www.urbanlegends.com. Moreover, his political lies, like all human fabrications, are immaterial to this proceeding as well.
Pinkerton: In that case, let's cut to the chase! Why have I been brought here?
Judge: Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III. For years you have been trying to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, but your shocking ineptitude at villainy has prevented that from happening time and time again. And now, it is time for you to face the music for your blunders. For, Dr. Pinkerton, THIS IS YOUR DEATH!!!
Judge: And now, the host of This Is Your Death, Dr. A!!!
‘Tonight Show’ music + fake applause kicks in. Dr. A comes out, waving at the crowd like a game show host.
Judge: Representing the accused will be.... Dr. Z!
Judge’s face goes away, replaced by the show’s logo.
Dr. Z enters from the other side to more fake applause, waving at the crowd. Dr. Pinkerton pulls him aside and starts arguing with him.
Dr. A: Hello and welcome to This Is Your Death. For those of you new to the game, this is the show where every week, the plaintiff wins sweet, glorious freedom... or an excruciating death! You, the audience will decide it for Dr. Pinkerton - life... or DEATH. So, what’s it going to be folks?
Audience: DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH
Dr. A: Whoa there, we haven’t even met our new contestant! So let’s get acquainted shall we? What’s your name sir?
Pinkerton: You know perfectly well who I am! What’s WRONG with you Dr. A, are you under some sort of MIND control device or something!?? Something wrong with your... BRAIN?
• CRICKET NOISES
Pinkerton: Well... you lawbook lamebrains can just... bite me!
• CRICKET NOISES
Dr. A: Dr. Milo Pinkerton, everybody!
• APPLAUSE / GAME SHOW MUSIC
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, as your legal counsel I would like to remind you that your remarks are on the record here...
Pinkerton: Now look here you middle-eastern Matlock! You might enjoy playing Perry Mason here, but I refuse to play O.J. to your Johnny Cochran!
Dr. Z: O.J.? But, Dr. Pinkerton, I thought you preferred MILK! So much more harmless than O.J.! We must convince them that you are safe and harmless. Yes, you are quite harmless, are you not?
Pinkerton: But Dr. Z, don’t you realize that some of the most evil geniuses of all time have swilled milk? Why even the fierce Viking raiders of old drank gallons of the stuff! ATTEND!!!
TRIAL CUE 2a (auto - music)
Dr. A: So, Dr. Pinkerton, you’re saying that milk is evil, right? And since it’s a proven fact that you are what you drink, then I’m a vodka martini! Let’s check the board. Survey says...
• TRIAL CUE 2b
The wall screen has a ‘Family Feud’ type series of panels on it. The panels turn over with a clang to read:
Dr. A: 17% GOOD? That can’t be right!
• TRIAL CUE 2c
The Judge reappears on the screen
Judge: Oh, I think we can prove that he’s FAR worse than that at being evil.
Dr. Z’s whispers in Pinkerton’s ear
Pinkerton: Judge Terabyte, taking over the world is my life’s work. But I’ve done far worse already! Are you aware of the distinction between deeds that are ethically questionable and morally wrong?
• TRIAL CUE 2d
Judge: As an artificial intelligence, I do understand ethics. But this subject of morality is too fuzzy for my logic. Please give me some examples of what you mean. And do try to be succinct.
Pinkerton: Excellent. Maestro, please...
TRIAL JEOPARDY CUE a <Jeopardy theme music starts in background>
Dr. A: Dr. Pinkerton, something tells me you’re not taking this seriously! Don’t you realize that your very life is in Jeopardy?
Pinkerton: Alright, don’t get cute. Don’t get funny now.
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, if you just answer the court’s questions truthfully, I’m sure we’ll win. I mean, YOU’LL win. Then you’ll be free, I’ll get paid and everyone will be happy!
Pinkerton: Wait just a moment, who says I’m paying you?
• TRIAL JEOPARDY CUE b
The screen displays a Jeopardy board. The Categories appear across the board.
Dr. A: OK, the categories for this round are: Potent Potables, Evil Plots, Super Villains, Terrible Technology, Bad Medicine, and Geek Tragedy.
Pinkerton: Difficult decision... why, I know all those topics quite intimately! How about Bad Medicine for 1000.
Dr. A: Bad choice! OK, which human organ, when amputated, will continue to crawl around for weeks, seeking to kill its previous owner?
Pinkerton: What is, ‘The Hand’?
Dr. A: I’m sorry, your answer must be in the form of an cheesy ballad.
Pinkerton: OK, let me rephrase that.
At the end of 'HAND' as we go into the repeating part at the end, GONG SHOW footage up on the screen shows Filbert get up and gong Dr. Pinkerton's performance!
Dr. A puts on Chuck Barris hat and says
Dr. A: Damn, you were almost there... gonged by Filbert! Filbert, why did you gong Dr. Pinkerton?
• TRIAL GONG CUE
Filbert: It’s my way of paying him back for all the times he gave ME a hand... on the back of my head!
Dr. A: Oh well, we still love ya Pinkerton, good luck with that singing career and don't quit your day job! <to audience> We'll be right back at ya with more stuff!
Everybody goes backstage and the lights go down.
• HAIR CLUB COMMERCIAL
The lights come back up to fake applause.
TRIAL CUE 3a (music in background)
Dr. A: Thank you, and welcome back to a very special episode of ‘You Bet Your Death!’ Say the magic woid and win a prize!
• TRIAL CUE 3b
Onscreen, the screen flashes the word ‘scientist’.
Judge: The secret word is, ‘scientist.’
Dr. A: <Groucho voice> Now then, Dr. Pinkerton, where are you from?
Pinkerton: You know COG-damn well where I’m from, I’m from the Secret Lab!
Dr. A: Well, it looks like it’s not a secret any longer! But that’s ok, I’m sure these good people will be too embarrassed to talk about this once they leave here. So, what do you do for a living?
Dr. Z: You know, my client is legally entitled not to have to answer that question...
Pinkerton: It’s alright, Dr. Z, I’m proud to answer this one. You know perfectly well WHAT I DO, Dr. A - I, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton, am an evil... madman... who has dedicated his life to... taking over the world!
Dr. A: Soooo very close that time, eh ladies and gentlemen?!?? <Casey Kasem voice> Well, you just keep your feet and the ground and keep reaching for the stars!
Pinkerton: Now what on earth is THAT supposed to mean?
Dr. A: Hahaha. Nothing. Last question. WHY do you do it?
Pinkerton: <exasperated> Why do I do it?!?? Why do we do anything? I’ll tell you why. It’s because we’re scientists!
Dr. A: You’ve done it, Dr. Pinkerton! You said the magic word, which was ‘scientist.’ And for that you win a prize! Tell him what he’ll win, Judge.
• TRIAL HELL VIDEO
Judge appears on back screen
Judge: You’ll win... an all-expense paid trip to hell!
Cheezy music. Screen displays an electric chair (?)
Judge: You’ll fry nonstop to the 7th pit of Hades, where you’ll spend eternity, relaxing in deluxe damnation accomodations!
Screen displays Pinkerton trapped in the TV set from end of ‘Phantom’, into montage showing dead rock stars, burning golf course, beach with skeleton on it, firey lake, etc.
Judge: 24-hour-a-day entertainment including great concerts, golf, fabulous beaches, and swimming in the fabulous lake of fire. It all awaits you in HELL!
Pinkerton: Superstitious stupidity, all of it! Look, I’m a scientist. I believe in matters of solid fact, not fairy tales about the hereafter.
Dr. A: That’s good, because our next question concerns the field of medicine. What square would you like?
• TRIAL HOLLYWOOD CUE a
The screen displays the Hollywood Squares board, captioned ‘Highly Weird Squares.’ The ARCHER is sitting in the center square, surrounded by the usual suspects - the Brain Alien, Damien Storm, Zarglar, etc.
Dr. Z: As your attorney I’d advise you to take the center square.
Pinkerton: I’ll take the center square to block. Wait a moment, what on earth am I saying?!??
The camera zooms in on the ARCHER.
• TRIAL HOLLYWOOD CUE b
Dr. A: Ahh, you’ve picked the Magic Square! That means you win more fabulous prizes - like COG-A-Roni, the scientific treat! Now, Mr. Archer, according to a 10th century London survey, what virulent disease wiped out more than half the population?
Archer: Ooooh, now I know that one... it’s ME, innit? Well it certainly wasn’t YOU! <ad-lib...>
Pinkerton: Poppycock! You know as well as I that it was the Black Plague!
ALL: THE WHAT?
Pinkerton: I’ve had it up to here with these quiz show questions. I’m leaving!
Dr. A: Wait, we’re not finished! It’s time to play the Mating, err, Dating Game! Dr. Pinkerton, when did you last go out anyway?
Pinkerton: Go out where?
Dr. A: OK! Give a big hand to Lab Girl - she’s tonight’s date! Lab Girl, you’ve dated a lot of scientists. What do you look for in a man?
Lab Girl: I like a man with a big, hard, intense, throbbing... BRAIN!
Dr. A: Considering our contestants, that’s too bad! So, Lab Girl, why don’t you pose a question to our two contestants, and let’s see how they do.
Lab Girl: Alright, contestant number Z. What would a date with you be like?
• FUNKY FRESH
Lab Girl: Ooohh gross! Well OK Dr. Pinkerton, what about you?
Pinkerton: Well, a date... a date would take careful scientific preparation! I mean, how often does such an occasion arise?
• WANNA DO
Dr. A: So, Lab Girl, whom do you choose?
Lab Girl: Uhhhh... none of the above! Can I choose you instead?
Dr. A: Alright, I’ll see YOU in my dressing room after the show!
• TRIAL BUZZER
A loud buzzer goes off
Dr. A: Hey, that’s the final buzzer! And you know what that means, don’t you? It’s time for the verdict! Now it’s time for all you out there in the studio audience to write down the verdict on your pieces of paper and pass them to the front. And we’ll be right back, after this important message!
• Z BOOK CLUB COMMERCIAL
TRIAL CUE 4a (music in background)
Everybody files back onto the stage. Dr.’s Pinkerton & Z argue in the background while A says:
Dr. A: Welcome back! Before the break, we were right at the moment of truth for our contestant - life or death! So, what’s it going to be, audience?
Audience: DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH!
Pinkerton: Death?!? I’m not afraid of Death! In fact, I say - Death to the Angel of Death!
TRIAL CUE 5a (music in background)
Dr. A: It’s good that you have no fear of Death, Dr. Pinkerton, for you’re about to take a spin on the wheel of misfortune! Bring out... the chopper!
Pinkerton: <sort of enthusiastic> Oh, I see, I won a motorcycle, eh?
A guillotine is wheeled out to center-stage.
Pinkerton: <backing away> Oh, no... wait, don’t I get a lifeline or something?
Dr. A: No! You are the weakest geek. Goodbye!
Pinkerton: Drumbot! Do something! Drumbot?
• TRIAL CUE 5b
Drumbot: Uhhh, Drumbot is not available right now, but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the tone. BEEEP!
Judge: Seize him.
Dr.’s A & Z grab Pinkerton, protesting and kicking the whole time, and haul him towards the guillotine.
Judge: Do you have any last words before the end?
Pinkerton: Hmmmm. Why YES, I do! As of right now, I hereby release all of the C.O.G.’s rock’n’roll responsibilities to Drumbot!
Judge: (drumbot voice) Really? (recovers deep voice) I mean, really? Oh well, in that case, there’s no need for this disguise!
The Judge transforms into Drumbot! Dr.’s A and Z suddenly snap out of it.
Dr. A: Wait a moment, where am I?
Pinkerton: Never mind that, we’ve got to get out of here! Come with me!
The trio sneak into the back.
Judge Drumbot: Now that I have control here, I’d like to sing a little number that I wrote myself, which will show you all my sensitive side...
Drumbot slips down from the top screen to his normal post.
Drumbot: Hit it, boys!
An animated band of robots fills the top screen. Drumbot sings:
• JUST A DRUMBOT
At the end of the song, Pinkerton sneaks up behind Drumbot and unplugs him.
Pinkerton: That just about wraps THAT up! Dr. A, give me the Drumbot Restore Disk.
Dr. Z: What I don’t understand it, how did Drumbot hypnotize both of us like that?
Dr. A: Yeah, I mean, I’m a drunk know-it-all, not a game show host! Hey wait, it’s the same thing...
Pinkerton: The important thing is showing Drumbot who’s boss, so in the future, he won’t try anything like THAT again. Ok, switch him back on.
Pinkerton: (alt. opening lines to song)
Hello Drumbot, can you hear me?
Tell me Drumbot, can you see?
Drumbot follow my instructions
In the future you will Bow 2 Me!
• TRIAL CREDITS
Announcer: (over credits) This program was taped in front of a dead studio audience. For tickets to appear on this program, please write to C.O.G., P.O. Box 23471, Hollywood California. Wardrobe supplied by Botany 5000. This has been a Milo Pinkerton production. For the Consortium of Genius, this is Max Terabyte reminding you all to Bow to the COG!
© 2004 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.