Dr. Pinkerton - a man of letters

The Consortium of Genius regularly receive scientific inquiries from some of the greatest minds on Earth. Normally these are printed on soft tissue paper and then utilized for lavatorial purposes, but in certain instances we lower ourselves to actually reply. Here are some examples!


Dear Dr Pinkerton
Hey dr Pinkerton, can you record a full set for your band performance at the NOLA Time Fest on June 6 2015 at 8:00 pm. It would be awesome if you do that. Also, could you make videos of your previous shows that you did with the C.O.G. I would also like to know, are you gonna make any more albums with the C.O.G. I really appreciate it.
Thanks Dr Pinkerton
Sincerely jesse mckaig
P.S. Are you ever gonna make more episodes of C.O.G. TV also.

Dear Dr. McKaig,

Of COURSE I can do all these things for you! In return, I shall request a mere pittance of a 'gift' - I need 8000 lbs. of the rare element Ununseptium, delivered to my Secret Lab, via the C.O.G. P.O. Box, which you will find listed on the C.O.G. website. You'd better get cracking! I mean, hydrogen-cracking, if you get my drift.

Yours in evil,

-Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III

P.S.: look for our next album to debut later this summer - it will be a collection of all the best songs we perform that were written by other scientists, and it will be exclusively available at our live shows.


I am an aspiring evil genius and i need your advice great Dr Pinkerton. I have contructed a device that i will send into space and there it will send out brain controling waves that will bend all to my will! But the problem is, i dont have a rocket, and i wonder do you know where i can "borow" one from the government? I could ofcourse create my own rocket, but that would cost a frotune! Not that i couldent aford it, i meen you can just steal money, but it is so tiresome. So dose the government have any rockets that you with your superior inteligense know of?

Yours cincerley Mad Dr Nesbit

My dearest Dr. Nesbit,

Have you considered visiting the NASA Space Center and hijacking one of those various large rockets they have just lying about on the ground? They're generally quite unguarded; in fact, NASA tends to let the public simply walk right up to these mighty missiles of military machismo! The question of ignition is elementary as well, for as any child will tell you, it is accomplished by lighting the rocket's fuse with a household match. As for getting the rocket oriented vertically, I shall leave you to work out that little issue on your own time.

Good luck in your evil endevors... you're going to need it!

P.S.: Spell checking is a useful technology. You'd be wise to utilize it...

-Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III

Dr. Pinkerton,

You may be unaware of this (since until today, no patient of ours has been unfortunate enough to schedule an office visit with you) but we put your name on our list of HMO primary care physicians by accident. We paid good money for that list, too, I'm so pissed. Today I scratched out "Dr. John" and "Dr. Hook".

Excellent, I am in need of some new organ donors. This old organ won't stay in tune at all!

Anyway, I'm afraid our insurance company will be unable to cover the expense of that totally unnecessary lobotomy procedure on the already brainless, disparaging smarm-o-gram Paulsen.

Quite right sir, nobody at the station seemd to notice any difference after the procedure. I therefore deduce that he wasn't using a huge percentage of that brain to begin with!

If you had done something beneficial for our member like a few sessions of electroshock therapy or perhaps re-animating his decapitated head in a jar, we would be glad to cover the 40% of cost after co-payment.

Ahhhh yes, decapitation. That terror-tory is the responsibility of Dr. Z! Perhaps we shall have to pursue THAT experiment NEXT time we invade Channel 4!

In the future, please get approval from one of our customer service representatives before proceeding with any of your reckless, stage surgeries.

-Faceless Bureaucratic Entity

I'll have you know, sir, that there is nothing STAGED about our surgeries!
No regard,
-Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III

Dr. Pinkerton,

My associate, Dr. Corso is looking for information on MOUT.

Does the COG have any MOUT left lying around? Maybe you could just provide details for the Mezmoronic Ray or Deth Lazer.

Dr. S

Wait a minute, this can't be the real Dr. Smerlington! The Cornelius Smerlington I know could recite the recipe for either invention by rote! Who is this? How did you get this email address?!??!


That was Dr. Smerlington, as I just learned this afternoon, my
coworker. I asked him for some help on this ridiculous
project for work on MOUT (Mobile Operations in an Urban Terrain) and
he told me to ask Dr. Pinkerton to help because I am at a dead end.
Any ideas?

Dr. Corso

Ahhh yes! Well, now that we've straightened out who is WHOM, allow me to assist. As you are indeed stuck at what you appropriately describe as a 'dead' end, perhaps you should consider employing the un-dead! They perform quite well in urban terrain, as well as being completely expendable. For your particular needs, I would recommend summoning an army of Marching Skeletons. You should be able to enlist the aid of an local demon or standard issue Evil Tome to effect this simple procedure. Skeletal soldiers can be quite effective even when armed only with swords and shields (see Jason & the Argonauts), and as an added bonus, all but the most precisely-aimed bullets just whistle right through their empty rib-cages. Unlike robots, they will continue to advance quite menacingly, even when decapitated. In addition, these creatures tend to automatically strike fear (and therefore, respect) into the local populace. Give the Skeletons a try. What have you got to lose? Did you say, "your immortal soul?" Hahahahahahahahahaha. Ha. heh.

Another undead appendage that we have successfully employed in light-duty field operations is The Hand. This is your standard issue crawling severed hand, which you can see in action in films such as 'The Hand.' Once deployed, this little number will crawl around for weeks, seeking to clamp its clammy digits around the neck of anyone who happens to walk by. Paradoxically, the rotting effect that tends to affect this unit after a few weeks of deployment in the field merely adds to the biological impact of this handy little piece of ordinance. Ha!

So there you have it, two excellent solutions to your little M.O.U.T. problem, courtesy of the C.O.G.! And if anyone questions your use of occult, some might even say evil, solutions to your day to day problems, you should immediately question their patriotism. That'll shut 'em up!

Yours etc. etc.

-Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III

You are effing hilarious. I can't begin to attempt to summon a witty reply so I'll just say I commend you. Plus this is probably the most in depth reply I've gotten as I research this project. I had to forward these to the Great Schlehtini so he could read them.


Dr. Corso


"DEAD" End indeed! I should say more like "UN-dead end" We shall incorporate these undead engines of vengeance into our operational construct as soon as possible.

Dr. Smerlington

Dear Dr. Corso,

My reply wasn't meant to be taken humorously. As you have deemed it necessary to laugh in the face of evil, we have dispatched a death-bot to your domicile. It should be arriving shortly.

Nighty night

-Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III

If you feel you have something worthy of the attention of the C.O.G., why not write Dr. Pinkerton yourself?