Yngwie Flattstein, undisputed 6-string king of Fat City, is undoubtedly the fastest guitarist who ever managed to survive. At the legendary 1987 Sound City guitar competition, Yngwie played so rapidly that he accidentally sped up time itself, landing alive and oblivious in 1999. Since then he has been looked after by the Consortium of Genius, who periodically utilize his great powers of insight and speed metal legardemain.
Yngwie has achieved so much in his short career... from the Swiss Army guitar with its 18 foldout necks, to the world's heaviest guitar pick, forged by ancient Norse gods from dwarf star alloy, to rearranging the entire works of Grieg to be performed simultaneously by his all-guitar speed metal orchestra, 'Yngwie Flattstein's Hair Force' in just under 5 minutes, Mr. Flattstein has earned the kind of acclaim most musicians of his ilk don't even dare to imagine!
The following account is just one of many true stories about the great Yngwie Flattstein.
Yngwie Flattstein conquers Guitar Center competition
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Early on the evening of Tuesday, March 30, 2004, Yngwie showed up at Guitar Center at 7:00pm and was almost mobbed by seemingly dozens of fans, many of whom had
shown up just for that purpose. With his Roadie lighting the way to the stage with a flashlight, Mr. Flattstein paced forward loudly and
proudly, stopping to sign autographs and pose for pictures with his adoring public, much to the consternation of the other guitarists trying
desperately to compete in the contest. One by one they came and went, two blues players, a tasteless rock guitarist whose greatest skill
was tossing his hair back while sustaining a note, and a guy who claimed his only influence as 'KISS.'
Finally it was Yngwie's time to take the stage. The contest moderator announced that Mr. Flattstein was 42 years old, had been playing
guitar for 1000 years, and was influenced by 'The Devil'. Furthermore, he stated that Yngwie 'had influenced Bach, Satan, Lucifer,
Beelzebub, and Rikki Rokkit.' While this was being read, the Roadie set a Jackson Rhodes V on a stand across the stage and plugged it
into a Marshall amp. Mr. Flattstein plugged his Fender Jazzmaster into a Crate amp, mentioning to the crowd that he'd believed in Crate
from the very beginning. He then produced an iron monkeywrench and proceeded to pass it to the crowd. "Take it." he implored a
scowling competitor. "Touch it. It is metal. But what you are about to hear is HEAVY metal." The scowl evaporated as the music began.
Well, perhaps 'music' is not too precise a term for what happened next. Or perhaps not broad enough. To coin a phrase, you had to have
'been there.' Yngwie Flattstein soloed utilizing every technique that
had ever been invented. When he ran out, he invented new techniques on the spot, not even pausing to take a swig of water from
the Roadie while continuing to play. By the time Yngwie picked up
the bullwhip from the stage to 'remotely play' the second guitar while continuing to solo with his left hand, audience members in the
back were beginning to hop like pogo sticks, in total disbelief of what they were seeing and hearing. Yngwie concluded his performance
by picking up both guitars and playing them together by angling their necks together in an 'X' above his head. As Yngwie left the stage,
the audience was on its feet, screaming for more, to the disbelief of the other contestants. Yngwie Flattstein was compelled to return
twice to play two full encores - one from the famous solo he performed in 2001 on
the C.O.G. DVD.
As we all waited breathlessly for the results of the contest, Yngwie
signed more autographs, including one to a smitten girlfriend of one of the other contestents, who said, "My boyfriend would kill me
if he knew I was back here."
Finally the results were in. Two winners were announced - the blues guitarist, and Yngwie Flattstein! In retrospect, the only REAL
surprise last night was that Yngwie didn't win BOTH places. Content with the chaotic outcome of the experiment, the C.O.G. piled into
their Aircar and left the scene at 9:00pm, vowing to get back to work on their long overdue CD.