Bite Me
(c) 1999 by Lewis D'Aubin


I was born 4-hundred years to late
Life is not fair - curse my mortal fate
All day long they always pick on me
But I'll show them all, just you wait and see
Look into my eyes, and realize my desperation
In return for your service I'm willing to make a sizable blood donation

You'll admit Vam-pires are so cool
They wear trenchcoats, never go to school
Sleep all day and party every night
All I need now is a little bite
I'd seek them out but they're nowhere to be found
Perhaps I'd have more luck at the dance clubs downtown

Bite me bite me bite me
Bite me on the neck
Bite me Bite me bite me
Send my soul to heck
Bite me bite me bite me
give me all you've got
Less like Count Chocula, more like Lestat

Feel so strange
Starting to change
Feel my brain
Becoming deranged

I was bitten several times last week
But I'm not changed, still a meager geek
But I'm paler, weaker in the knees
One of those goths must have been diseased
A word of advice to all those for whom vampires thirst
If you're wiser than I, you'll arrange for a blood screening first

Bite me bite me bite me
Bite me till I bleed
Bite me bite me bite me
Give me what I need
Bite me bite me bite me
Show me where's it's at
Bite me bite me bite me
Change me to a bat
Bite me bite me bite me
Bite me on the ass
Bite me bite me bite me
Break the mirror glass
Bite me bite me bite me
Bite me where it hurts
Bite me bite me bite me
Bite right through my shirt
Bite me bite me bite me
Bite me on the neck
Bite me Bite me bite me
Send my soul to heck
Bite me bite me bite me
Give it all you've got
Bite me bite me
Buddy, fangs a lot

In the spring of 1999 I couldn't help but notice Chris (Filbert) Flattmann's growing obsession with the 'goth' style and, as usual, decided to lampoon it. The first task was to come up with a music track that Chris would be forced to think was 'cool'. It took me an evening to come up with this song, which is influenced heavily by late 80's Depeche Mode. I ruined it even more by sneaking in a really hackneyed keyboard riff from the band Europe! Once I had the music done, I came up with these horrible lyrics. As predicted, Chris loved this song and contributed some wonderful harmony vocals to the recording. The 'Oh my goth' line was taken from a video segment Chris's band 'Shudderpulp' had taped for a recent C.O.G. show.

We always had a lot of fun with this song on stage, with a part for a costumed 'vampire' character to play onstage during the performance. A list of male and female vampires would haunt the stage, threatening us while performing this song. They were usually dispatched with garlic by the end of the number. Chris always had a great time instructing the crowd in goth line-dancing during the song (plus, this song uses synthesizer bass, so he didn't have to play anything and could concentrate on silliness!)

You can imagine my delight when I heard that Shudderpulp was going to be performing in October at a big goth party, the 'Dark Cotillion' at Gallier Hall. My mind went to work, and pretty soon I talked Chris into having C.O.G. make a special appearance by the C.O.G. at the party. To make the stunt easy to stage, I recorded the backing tracks onto a CD-RW and took a compatible discman to the event along with my costume.

We had a great time wandering around dressed up as scientists, glaring at all the pallid people dressed in lace and black velvet. On the staircase, I actually found an abandoned wig similar to the one I was already wearing! After Shudderpulp played their darkwave set, Chris announced a special guest and turned the microphone over to Dr. Pinkerton, then jumped behind the backdrop and changed into his Filbert costume. I activated the CD player and the dance beat began... the crowd was loving it! That is, until they heard the lyrics and figured out that we were making fun of them. A few of them kept dancing, wearing confused expressions on their faces, but most of them eventually slunk out of the room and hid out in the kitchen. Another party ruined by the C.O.G.!!!

Guitars.........Jeff King
Bass............Chris Flattmann
Synthesizers....Lewis D'Aubin
Lead vocal......Lewis D'Aubin
Backing vocals..Lewis D'Aubin & Chris Flattmann
Special guest appearance by Igor Kitty
Recorded and mixed 1999 at C.O.G. Secret Lab, Kenner LA