(c) 1987 by Lewis D'Aubin and Kirk Madison
revised 2000 by Jeff King & Lewis D'Aubin
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My dog ran over a car today
I was trapped in a dark alley, it was bright as day
I turned up the volume and lost my sight
I go to school at day because my classes are at night I'm so confused
I am so confused
Cause I just can't, just can't lose
I am so confused
Cause I just can't...
I'm so confused cause I just can't lose
My goldfish drowned the other day
I was talking to myself and I did not know what to say
I eat from a glass and drink from a plate
I drive my car backwards so I'm always late I'm so confused
I am so confused
Cause I just can't, just can't lose
I am so confused
Cause I just can't...
I'm so confused cause I just can't lose
I motorized my furniture and drove it away
I was all alone and I still got laid
Erased some paper with a ballpoint pen
I met Barbie's husband, his name is Ken I'm so confused
synth solo
I jumped from a plane and hit the sky
I shot a bullet in the ground and the earth died
I smell like Bullwinkle and his flying squirrel
I closed my eyes and walked around the world I'm so confused
I am so confused
Cause I just can't, just can't lose
I am so confused
Cause I just can't...
I'm so confused cause I just can't lose
I took a big magnet and erased my brain
I was taking a shower and went down the drain
I blew at the sky and the sun went out
Then I walked to a gas station and filled up my mouth I'm so confused
I am so confused
I am so confused
I am so confused
Cause I just can't lose lose lose lose
I am so confused
This song is so old that it predates the original C.O.G. tape! Kirk and I were fresh out of high school when we penned this tribute to deadpan comedian Stephen Wright, who was still somewhat popular in 1987. We sat there, just adding more and more verses, and were cracking each other up so much that it took 34 takes to get the damn thing recorded!
The original recording was done live (as we had no multitrack recorder) with me handling the vocals and hitting the 'play' button on an 11 note sequence that I had recorded into my Casio SK-1 with one hand, and ringing a bell with the other. Kirk meanwhile supplied backup vocals ("whhooooaaaa!") into a Radio Shack reverb and stummed on his guitar, the Flying 'K'.
A funky version of this song was a staple in the early live performances of the C.O.G. The song had been reconfigured slightly, with a funky backbeat I had devised around 1994, augmented by a ratty sounding 'lo-fi' drum loop that I made on an old drumset in the Secret Lab.
For the live version of this song, I worked with Drumbot's creator in devising some silly looking animation to accompany the verses. Pencil drawings were done in a deliberately childish manner then scanned, colored, and animated in the Amiga. We debuted the new animation in 1998 at DragonCon. At the time it was the best (and funniest!) video accompanyment we had ever done.
The more modern remake of the song was a tad more sophisticated. Jeff was fooling around with Steinberg's loop program Acid at the time and used this song as an excuse to make up some tasty loops. I took those loops into Cakewalk and sequenced parts over them, based on the original song. There had been a previous attempt at recording this tune on 8 track linear tape, featuring an amazing bass performance by Owen Pascual. I dubbed the bass part into Cakewalk and time shifted it to account for the new faster tempo, then painstakingly synched it lick by lick to the new version of the song. Vocals were added and layered with effects. Jeff also provided some great sounding skanky guitar tracks.
Credits
Drums...........Jeff King/Lewis D'Aubin
Guitars.........Jeff King
Bass............Owen Pascual
Loops...........Jeff King
Synthesizer.....Lewis D'Aubin
Lead vocal......Lewis D'Aubin
Backing vocals..Lewis D'Aubin
Recorded and mixed 2000 at C.O.G. Secret Lab, Kenner LA