WE DARE YOU TO QUESTION OUR IMPECCABLE CREDENTIALS! (Click on pictures for a closer view... IF YOU DARE!) Current Faculty Geniuses-in-residence at the C.O.G. Secret Lab Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III tenure: 1996-today Specialty: EE (Evil Engineering) Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III is a proud graduate of Malign Master Mind University. After an evil childhood spent on a seemingly endless string of experiments on his friends, neighbors, and pets, this twisted genius decided to take over the world in the loudest manner possible. For this purpose he combed the earth* assembling around him a team of the most evil geniuses he could find. After the afore-mentioned geniuses nearly succeeded in killing poor Dr. Pinkerton, he fired them all and recruited the two guys shown below. He then constructed the C.O.G. Secret Lab, and now travels the world mangling the minds of millions with the most malignant melodies ever imagined... CLICK HERE FOR SOME FUN FACTS ABOUT DR. PINKERTON Dr. Formelda-Hyde Pinkerton tenure: 2010-today Specialty: Zombie Research Dr. Formelda-Hyde Pinkerton's life at the lab started recently when Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III received a phone call from his grandfather, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton I, asking him to provide some lodging for his little sister Formelda. It seems that for the seventh time in a row, her latest husband (Dr. Hyde) had just become her late husband, with his estate having been burned to the ground. Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III resents his little sister's intrusion, especially considering she always made somewhat higher grades in EVIL than he did, COG-dammit! But he'll let this slide for a few weeks, as long as she can resist the urge to litter his lab with her zombie experiments - ARE YOU HEARING ME, FORMELDA? Ahem. Their mutual granddad meanwhile has actively encouuraged Formelda to help her brother overcome his longstanding failure to uphold the family's evil name... Failure? WHAT 'failure'? Dr. Harry A. Rachnid tenure: 2005-today Specialty: The Macabre Sciences Tall, dark, and creepy, Dr. A. Rachnid slunk onto the stage while the C.O.G. was auditioning new six-stringed scientists. Disposing of his predecessor, Dr. Rachnid immediately proceeded to use a crystal ball to forecast Dr. Pinkerton's DEATH! Dr. A Rachnid has been known to bring the KANDARIAN BOOK OF THE DEAD into the lavatory for some light reading! On his resume, his major is listed as 'necromantic thaumatology.' He frequently confuses astrophysics with astrology... and rumor has it that he eats bugs and spiders! Well, whatever his merits, it would seem Dr. Rachnid is one creep we'd all better keep an EYE on... CHECK OUT HIS MYSPACE PAGE! Dr. Zaemon Abdul Siddartha Mohammad Achmell Tutmos Abram Ali Hermes Odin Mahatma Dahali Martin Luther Hussein Kali Rocka Babu Haegiegi III tenure: 2001-today Specialty: Sub-Atomic Meta-Physics Sometimes preferring to be addressed as 'Bob', Dr. Zaemon Abdul Siddhartha Mohammad Achmell Tutmos Abram Ali Hermes Odin Mahatma Dahali Martin Luther Hussein Kali Rocka Babu Haghighi III hails from somewhere in the Mid-East, and is the C.O.G.'s resident specialist in subatomic physics, ion fusion and low frequency tone generation. He is also expert at such rarified skills as 'taxicab driver', 'haremologist' and 'convenience store clerk'. We are currently investigating alleged middle-eastern terrorist links, which could aid us greatly in TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!! CHECK OUT HIS MYSPACE PAGE! Drumbot tenure: 1996-today Specialty: Percussive Mechanical Engineering Combining cutting-edge robotics with one of the spare backup brains of the Consortium's own Dr. Procyon Lotor, the video-droid known as Drumbot is a revolution in percussion generation technology. Drumbot routinely gets more fan mail than all of the above three scientists combined, and correspondingly carries an attitude to match. Filbert W. Snodgrass (Junior Scientist In Training) tenure: 1997-2000, 2003-today Specialty: Being a nuisance! Filbert W. Snodgrass graduated at the top of his class from the University of Kenner. Having successfully aided Dr. Pinkerton in 1997‡ following the mysterious disappearance of Dr. Cornelius Smerlington, Filbert has loitered around the laboratory, attempting to absorb through osmosis the necessary credits to become a full fledged evil scientist. He has succeeded chiefly in knocking things over, pressing buttons labelled 'DO NOT PRESS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES' and leveraging the laws of probablility to happen to be in the way no matter what direction one is headed. To his credit, Filbert Snodgrass did (accidentally) destroy Gargleplex-5, a planet inhabited by millions of innocent people, and was subsequently abducted by aliens, who eventually tired of Filbert's monkeyshines and beamed Filbert back to the lab three years later to wreak even more havoc! Dr. Max D. Struction tenure: ?-today Specialty: Collecting weapons and using them Using funds generated from his time in Her Majesty's Special Air Service, Maximillion David Struction attained his PhD in Personal Security with a specialization in Massive Demolitions from the University of Michael "Crocodile" Dundee on the island of Tasmania. After working in the Post-Katrina Apocalypse of New Orleans for an individual to whom he simply refers as "The Baron", Dr. D. Struction was hired by Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III to be his personal bodyguard. Though not always seen, Dr. D. Struction is never far from his employer, ready to take advantage of any and all threats on the Genius' physical health. Dr. Leonard A McLummox tenure: 2010-today Specialty: Black Hole Physics Not much is currently known about this mysterious Scottish individual, aside from his transdimensional black hole expertise that helps the C.O.G. to create convenient wormholes in the fabric of space from anywhere to anywhere... though the odd clothing and mask that he wears have certainly been the cause of some concern in the C.O.G. Secret Lab! Auxiliary C.O.G. Personnel The following individuals are on indefinite leave from the Secret Lab and may randomly reappear at any moment... Lab Girl (A.K.A. Nurse Ilsa Von Fooktoffen) tenure: 2003-2007, 2009-2010 Before becoming Lab Girl, Nurse Ilsa had been seen hanging out at many of the local labs, scoping out a scientist or two. She was always at the latest lectures, picking up the tab... or just standing there admiring the view. Nurse Ilsa, who may or may not have been working covertly for a top secret outside organization, was able to survive for three and a half years in the C.O.G. lab, leveraging their incredible resources to conduct high-energy physics research of which only Dr. Pinkerton had the slightest grasp. Becoming increasingly frustrated with Pinkerton's temper, she faked her own death and substituted Nurse Trixie, a spy, who was able to hijack the Time Door in an unsuccessful attempt to complete her mission of killing Dr. Pinkerton's grandfather. Nurse Ilsa then returned to the C.O.G. to continue her research and try to rescue her protege... CHECK OUT HER MYSPACE PAGE! Lab Girl (AKA Trixie de Havilland) tenure: 2008-2009 Specialty: Hi tech prognostication Lab Girl Trixie entered the C.O.G. Secret Lab by bizarre coincidence on the same day that her predecessor seemingly met with a strange and untimely fate. Her clear, piercing scream and familiarity with the most cutting edge technology made her indispensible around the Lab, though her strange mannerisms and last century colloquial utterances had given several scientists a source of suspicion... until she hijacked the Time Door in a desperate attempt to complete her mission of killing Dr. Pinkerton's grandfather, thus removing the Pinkerton line from history! Fortunately for the C.O.G. however, she was unable to program the Time Door correctly and has subsequently been spotted in various historical photographs, looking increasingly frustrated... CHECK OUT HER MYSPACE PAGE! The REAL Dr. A. Pentatonic tenure: 2001-2004 Specialty: Chemical Bio-Self-Reengineering Dr. A. Pentatonic was an innocent young professor at Kerville College, searching for a way to unlock the hidden strengths that all humans have. But an accidental overdose of Formula YYZ altered his body chemistry... and now, whenever Dr. A. grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. No, wait, that's the Incredible Hulk... At any rate, Dr. A slouched in, around, and under the lab for years, until an untimely encounter with 'Darth Inscrutable', the Six Stringed Sith, left him stranded in The Future (or at a low budget sci-fi convention, we're still not sure which!) The FAKE Dr. A. Pentatonic tenure: 1998-2000 Specialty: Tobacco, Drugs, and Firearms Antonioni Pentatonicci emerged from the mean streets of Brooklyn with a chip† on his shoulder, a 44 in his holster, and a six-string at his side. After breaking into a guitar solo during a bloody gang war, he was kicked out of the 'family' and squandered several years travelling the world, illegally amassing one of the greatest guitar collections ever seen. While masquerading as a doctor, he met up with the Consortium of Genius at a lecture in one of the seediest laboratories on the lower east side. Having adroitly disposed of the REAL Dr. A. Pentatonic early in 1999, he spent the next two years attempting to depose Dr. Pinkerton and take over the C.O.G.! Dr. Wolfgang Amadeus Wissenschaft tenure: 1996-1998 Specialty: Extreme Science with a Bad German Accent Following a year helping Dr. Pinkerton construct the original Secret Lab, Dr. Wissenschaft was rapidly becoming an expert in the field of Psycho-Analysis (even earning the Illustrious Diploma in the process), when he vanished without a trace into the frozen northern wastes. Rumors of the nature of his disappearance range from insanity to abduction by a yeti. Forays into the arctic regions to save him have been met only with chilling wind, bitter snowstorms, and fierce Viking raiding parties. I mean, nobody throws a party as fierce as the Viking raiders... NEWS FLASH!!! Dr. Wissenshaft has been spotted recently in the vicinity of the Florida Everglades, muttering something about recapturing Elvis. STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER UNIMPORTANT DEVLOPMENTS! Dr. Cornelius Smerlington tenure: 1996-1997 Specialty: Overwrought Conscience Dr. Cornelius Smerlington joined the original Consortium with a impeccable credentials to his name, and The Prestigious Gold Medal dangling from his neck. The estimable Dr. Smerlington was becoming a leading luminary in the scientific arts when he unexpectedly vanished while standing near The Time Door. Since then he has reappeared several times, fighting to uphold his low frequency supremacy, only to disappear again when victory seems easily in his grasp. Current C.O.G. theory points to him being on a top secret mission to infiltrate the United States Government... Dr. R. Mondo Payne appeared in lectures 64, 76, and TV episode 3 Specialty: Being an Insane Pain in the Brain Hailing from the local Terror Infirmary, this neuro-surgeon (gone mad from experimentation with the human pain threshold) first encountered the C.O.G. at an after-lecture Science Party. He has periodically resurfaced to assist the C.O.G. by providing an endless supply of human brains for dissection, analysis, training pet zombies, and delivering frozen confectionary. This brilliant but misguided individual had been attempting to gauge how much pain he could simultaneously give and receive at the same time... leading colleagues to postulate just how long Dr. Payne could escape the icy touch of DEATH! Dr. Procyon Lotor tenure: 1996-today Specialty: Animation of Living, Dead, and Painted Flesh! Most associates of the Consortium of Genius are either flesh & blood or metal & plastic... except this one, who is ink & paint! In fact, Dr. Procyon Lotor is, to date, the only known scientist to have ever achieved (and survived) a successful human-to-toon brain transplant. One of the original founding members of the Consortium of Genius, the shadowy and mysterious Dr. Procyon also happens to be both the father and mother of Drumbot, as well as designer of every C.O.G. album cover to date! GALLERY OF CONQUERED CHALLENGERS Behold the rogue's gallery of rapscallions who dared to challenge the C.O.G.! Zarglar Blinks appeared in lectures #20, 21, 70-72, 78, 91, 95 Zarglar Blinks is the chairman and chief marketing director of the Galactic League of Ultimate Evil. He claims a complete lack of responsibility for that unfortunate acronym and has been annoying the Consortium via interplanetary video for the past several months. Recently he attempted to steal the Consortium of Genius's inventions by invading the lecture hall personally. This potential problem was allieviated when it was revealed that Zarglar is less than three feet tall, and thus easily subdued by the Sonic Mind Probe. Abandoned by his space fleet on the comparatively primative planet Earth, Zarglar later went on to a post-career series of cameos on game shows such as 'Scientific American Idol'. Krazed Archer appeared in lectures #1, 5-18, 20, 21, 70-72, 78 Precious little is known about the man we have taken to calling 'Krazed Archer.' The Consortium learned of his tragic, yet strangely hilarious story when he was plucked from his own century by The Time Door. He lived during the tenth century, and seems to have been a soldier, mercenary, or more likely, a raving lunatic. During the course of a pitched battle, he had his left eye shot out by an arrow, which either pushed him over the edge into insanity, or just got him mad. He then proceeded to kill everyone around him. We do not know of anything that happened to him afterward**, except that for some reason, every time we tried to revisit what we know as the tenth century, the Time Door identified it as '1013 A.D.' and inflicted upon us another visit by the Krazed Archer. The tenth century has therefore been placed OFF-LIMITS until a the problematic time-circuit can be repaired! Darth Inscrutable appeared in lectures 79-80 Darth Inscrutable was sent by the Evil Emperor to steal that most prized invention of the C.O.G. - THE TIME DOOR. Arriving at the C.O.G. Secret Lab, Darth Inscrutable proceeded to dispose of Dr. A Pentatonic, then ransacked the lab searching for THE TIME DOOR. Not finding it, he infiltrated the C.O.G. onstage, disguised as 'Doctor Inscrutable', and almost rocked the C.O.G. into submission, before Dr. Z got wise to the subterfuge and engaged him in a fierce guitar-sabre battle! Dr. Z repelled the vicious attack with his 'fleas of 1000 camels' move. Darth Inscrutable was subsequently fired from the Empire and has since been seen loitering around various seedy cantinas in Mos Espa, Mos Eisley, and Fat City. The Brain Being appeared in lectures 2-7, 9-20 Little is known about the "Brain Guy (Girl? Thing? Entity?)" except that he (she? it? them? co? tey?) hails from the 30th century, where, through fate, accident, or happenstance, there are no more M.C.'s... only D.J.'s!!! (horror!). Also, for some reason, he/she/it seemed to recognize Dr. Pinkerton. Whether this is a sign of eventual world domination by the C.O.G. or simply a case of mistaken identity remains to be seen... Yngwie Flattstein appeared in lectures 23, 24, 32, 33, 64, 70-72, 76, 78, 91, 95, 110 and TV episode 1 Plucked from his native time-stream (Fat City, 1986) Yngwie Flattstein, World Genius of Heavy Metal, was brought forward in time to challenge Filbert in a contest of six string superiority. Unfortunately for him, Filbert knew a guitar lick from 1987! There was nothing left to do but for Pentatonic to use the Mezmoronic Ray on Yngwie and blast him into his particulate atoms. We later corrected this temporal aberration by retrieving Yngwie Flattstein from a time period before his abduction. Unfortunately, he had to be re-schooled in the same guitar methodology that he himself had subsequently invented, but fortunately we were able to re-educate him, utilizing his own series of instructional videos entitled 'Fat City Guitar Technique, vol. 1-13'. Yngwie went on to win a prestigeous guitar competition that same week! Since that time, Yngwie has drifted in and out of notoriety and alcoholism, finally surfacing at the Sharon Osborne Clinic in a desperate attempt to clean up his act. After swearing off metal and alcohol forever, Yngwie appeared in a triumphant solo appearance in New Orleans to kick off a world tour, and immediately fell off the wagon shortly before being beaten up and kicked off the stage by Crowbar. Yngwie Flattstein's current whereabouts are unknown... Damien Storm appeared in lectures 32, 33, 34, 70-72, 78 Proprietor of 1987's best Heavy Metal Ice Cream Shop, Damien Storm, disguised as the Angel of Death, concocted some of the most evil flavors of frozen confectionary ever churned. When Dr. 'A' became possessed by the real Angel of Death and tried to kill Dr. Pinkerton, it was only though the infusion of a massive amount of 'frozen evil fudge' ice cream that Dr. 'A' was able to come to his senseless senses. A master of disguises, Damien Storm later appeared as Dr. Vulcan and began mercilessly experimenting upon our own audience! CHECK OUT HIS MYSPACE PAGE! Elvis Delarge appeared in lecture 100 Dr. Pinkerton's evil plot to rewrite rock history by substituting a hardened criminal from the future for Elvis Presley in 1958 backfired when the twisted hooligan was re-exposed to the music of Ludwig Van Beethoven and reverted back to his bad old self. After a great set of classic hits, Elvis Delarge emerged at the end of Dr. Pinkerton's lecture to deliver a great set of classic kicks and punches to the hapless scientist. CHECK OUT HIS MYSPACE PAGE! Giant Roach appeared in lecture 119 Using his Enlarge-O-Tron invention, Dr. Pinkerton attempted to magnify one of New Orleans' most prolific natural resources, the common cockroach, into a giant force of terror! Instead of growing to 300' as planned, however, the roach only grew to 10' in size before the device's batteries ran out. The roach then proceeded to party with the crowd and enjoy the music instead of wreaking havoc. (Perhaps next time we'll magnify a mosquito instead... or a nutria - yeah that would really be horrible wouldn't it?! Bwahahahahahahaaaa) CHECK OUT HIS MYSPACE PAGE! The Angry Fairy appeared in lectures 84-86, 87-89, 94, 100-102, 109 and TV episode #3 A supernatural guardian of Stonehenge, this diminutive warrior was highly miffed by Dr. Pinkerton's attempt to split open the Earth by focusing a lazer on the ancient monument. Following the advice of the ska band 'Fatter Than Albert', she invaded the C.O.G. Secret Lab and managed to plug Dr. Pinkerton's microphone into an electrical outlet, frying Pinkerton during an attack by the archdemon Blarney. She has reappeared whenever the name of Stonehenge has been invoked... CLICK HERE TO SEE HER PERFORM 'Morning Grace' Horn Zombies appeared in lecture 82 and TV episode #1 Created by Dr. A Rachnid from the decaying remains of the C.O.G.'s opening act 'Egg Yolk Jubilee', these brain-hungry brass-blowing pests plagued the stage, munching on audience members until being given something to occupy what was left of their minds! CLICK HERE TO SEE THE HORN ZOMBIES IN ACTION The Evil One It's impossible to write a bio of an anthropomorphic manifestation of a metaphysical conceptualization, so we're not even going to try. So there. * with a giant robotic comblike device † intel Pentium 133 ‡ by getting him a cold cup of burned coffee ** The Archer also speaks of a fierce, savage beast called 'Rabbid.' Whether this is the product of delusion or an actual animal is still under debate, as no known specimen or fossil remains have been discovered to date. However, the legends of the creature, coupled with the Archer's "eye-witless account", tend to point to this creature's proverbial existence.